Have a Bad Day

I woke up from a dead sleep at 4am with an anxiety attack. It had something to do with the day job, an insignificant thing that my broke-ass brain decided was a much bigger issue and decided to flail about it despite my repeated attempts at logic and reason. It took almost two hours for me to get back to sleep and even then, I ended up having fitful anxiety dreams.

This set the tone for my day. It colored everything I did. How I interacted with other people and dealt with them, how I went about my writing and my day job shift. When I finished my exercises in the morning (because I made myself do them), I sat on the floor with my head in my hands for twenty minutes, inert. I knew that it was going to be a day. I was going to be out of sorts.

And you know what?

I let myself have a bad day.

There’s this idea that bad days should be avoided at all costs. Do whatever you can to not have one. Don’t let that one moment ruin your twenty-fours hours. Change your attitude, change your perspective, other people have it worse, don’t let it get you down.

Granted, no one wants to have a bad day, but I think so much of that is because people don’t like dealing with other people having a bad day. It makes them uncomfortable. It’s awkward. They don’t know what to say or what to do. So, they tell you not to have one so they don’t have to deal with it. Which perpetuates this idea that bad days are some kind of failing. To have one means you’re not fighting hard enough to be happy and therefore not burden the other people in your life with your unpleasant, unkempt shit.

In the past, I would have struggled to turn my frown upside down and that struggle would have made my bad day worse. I would have pushed and everything I touched would have gone to instant shit. Like the Midas touch, only crappy. Instead, I knew from the minute I woke up with that anxiety attack that I was going to have a bad day and I accepted it. I didn’t wallow in it. I didn’t take it out on anyone else. I just acknowledged that this was the day that I was having and it was okay. I was allowed.

The result?

My day wasn’t great, but it didn’t get worse. It was bearable. I was more productive than I thought I’d be because I didn’t push myself. I gave myself an out for everything on my schedule. I forced nothing. I took nothing personally and I ate comfort food for dinner. I let myself be, I had my bad day, and I didn’t make anyone else uncomfortable in the process. My day ended up being grey instead of black.

And it ended better than it started.

Two bowls of cereal have that power.

November Writing Projects–This Year’s NaNo

It is once again that time of year in which I torture myself by writing 50,000+ words in 30 days. This year I’m going back to writing a novel.

This year’s NaNo project is The Support Group Meets on Wednesday. I’ve already written it as a short story (which is really just like a bad first chapter) and it was my entry in the script writing contest last year. So I’ve already got a synopsis and the first fifteen pages of a script for it. And maybe one day I’ll get around to finishing that script.

But in the meantime, I really do want to get this idea out in its entirety in some form (really, it would make a good script or novel) and I think it will be make a good NaNo project. I like the idea, I’m interested in it, and I think it’s hearty enough to get me to 50,000 words without much trouble.

Provided I can be productive, of course.

If all works out like usual and I’m done before Thanksgiving, I’ll get back to revising (Vampires) Made in America. I didn’t finish it last month (I didn’t think I would), but I’ve only got less than 100 pages left to revise.

I probably won’t get it finished before the end of this month, either.

Maybe before the end of the year.

The official promo for Season 4 of Murderville goes live for patrons this month. So become a patron and don’t miss out on the next Munsterville mystery and who will be solving it starting January 2020.

Episodes 5 and 6 of Book ’em, Danno went live last month. I’ll do my best to get another episode out this month, but since I got behind and never really caught up and now it’s NaNo, I can make no promises. Didn’t I warn you about this? I believe I did.

Book ’em, Danno–Episode 6

Episode 6 covers “By the Numbers” and “Yesterday Died and Tomorrow Won’t Be Born”. Johnny Crawford exhibits poor decision making skills and has a rough time in Honolulu. Steve has an even rougher time on the beach. It’ll be the first of many times our main man is either shot or blown up during the run of the show.

Listen in on Soundcloud or iTunes.

Visual reference for when I mention Johnny Crawford’s less-than-attractive shirt.

Writer’s Apathy

I think the last time I had a true writer’s block was back in my early twenties when I was transitioning from writing mostly fanfiction to writing mostly original stuff. As the fanfiction ideas disappeared, the original ideas weren’t quite there, and there was a time when I didn’t write anything at all. There was a certain amount of anxiety preventing me from trying. I wasn’t sure that I could write anything if I wasn’t writing fanfiction and I wasn’t sure I was good enough to even bother trying.

But, I got passed that. Obviously.

What I have now isn’t writer’s block. It’s writer’s apathy.

It’s like having writer’s block, but instead of being unable to write, I don’t know what to write because I kind of don’t care.

I mean I do, but I don’t.

I’ve got my projects list and I’m currently revising (Vampires) Made in America again, but it’s more for something to do -to say that I’m writing- rather than because I really want to.

It’s been a little while since I’ve really wanted to write anything. I thought that much of my problem had to do with my depressive episode earlier this year. But that’s abated and the apathy remains. No matter how many times I ask myself “What do you really want to work on? What do you really want to write?”, my answer is always “I don’t know.” I look at my projects list, I look at my idea notebook, and nothing really jazzes me so much that I feel like I have to work on it right now.

I’m hoping that NaNo helps snap me out of this. I like the project that I picked (even if I don’t have that feeling of urgency to do it), so I’m hoping that it will re-energize my writing mojo. Otherwise I’m going to have to start asking myself some really uncomfortable existential questions like “Do I still want to be a writer?” and “Who am I if I’m not one?” And frankly, I’m just too shallow for those kinds of questions.

The question that I need to answer is “What do I really want to write now?” because “I don’t know” isn’t cutting it as an answer. I need to keep asking until I get an answer because I think that there is one. I’m avoiding it for some reason. Maybe because I know I won’t like the answer. Or maybe because I know that the answer will take me out of my comfort zone.

Whatever it is, I need to do myself a favor, stop dodging the question, and just answer it.

Time for a resolution.

Book ’em, Danno–Episode 5

Episode 5 of Book ’em, Danno is all about “The Ways of Love” and “No Blue Skies”. Dating men with criminal tendencies turns out to be hazardous to your health and theirs. Who knew, right? Steve goes undercover for the first time and we’ve got a singing cat burglar. It’s a real good time.

Listen on Soundcloud and iTunes (link coming soon).

I don’t have any pictures that go with this specific episode, so here’s a picture of Danno. He goes with every episode.

October Writing Projects

It’s NaNo time!

Yes, it’s October and October means NaNoWriMo prep. I’ve known what I want to write for NaNo for months and I already have a reasonable outline available (I’ll reveal the project next month as usual). What’s left is refining the plan and outline I have. I’m a little bit ahead of the game this year, so I hope it bodes well.

I’m also going to continue revising (Vampires) Made in America. I’ve been taking my time with it because after I rewrote the beginning and got rid of the first chapter, I realized that it wasn’t another point of view that I needed, but another personality. Trust me when I say that makes sense. I’m not sure I’ll get done with it this month, but now that I know what I’m doing and I got through that initial first chapter rewrite, things are moving along much faster.

I’m also going to try to be a bit more productive with Book ’em, Danno this month. I’ve gotten a little behind in my recording and I really need to get my pineapples picked before NaNo, so to speak.

As for Book ’em, Danno, episode 4 went live last month on Soundcloud and iTunes for your listening enjoyment. Episode 5 will be available for your ears later this week. Do listen, like, subscribe, review, recommend, force upon friends, family, and strangers, etc. That sort of support is very much appreciated.

Now is a great time to become a Murderville patron because the Season 4 preview episode goes live on October 8th and you can read that for as little as $1 an episode. If you go for $2 or more, you get a sweet bonus every other month, including this month, which happens on October 22nd. Season 4 starts January 14th of 2020!

The Purge, But for My Stuff

Image by drewplaysdrums from pixbayAt the day job, sometimes we get projects. My first project involved going through the mess of empty DVD cases we have (they’re used for the collection of movies, TV shows, and games we have to loan out), weeding out the bad ones, and organizing the rest. It took a couple of weeks, but I got it done.

For an organizer like me, the project was great. For a pack rat like me, it was a challenge.

I’m the person that will hang onto the most random, useless things just in case. I will attempt to salvage things that can’t or shouldn’t be salvaged. It was tricky for me to get through that part of the project, but I eventually got the hang of it.

Then I brought it home.

I have a several To Do Lists. I have the writing To Do List of Doom. I have daily/weekly To Do Lists. And I have the To Do List of the Year. Stuff that needs to be done, but I don’t have a time limit on them. It covers things like getting new glasses (when I have the money), getting a tattoo cover-up (when I have the money), finishing sewing projects, transferring pictures from my phone to my computer. Stuff like that.

Many of the items currently sitting on that list involve getting rid of things. Cleaning out my writing drawer, cleaning out art drawer, cleaning out my make-up, cleaning out my nail polish, cleaning out my bookcases, cleaning out my email folders. Purging. Getting rid of that which no longer serves me.

This past week I brought my work home with me, so to speak. I’ve started going through my To Do List of the Year, accomplishing a couple of smaller tasks before setting my sights on the things that need to go. I’ve cleaned out all of my email folders. (Who the hell saves four year old coupon offers? Me. That’s who.) I’ve thrown out some nail polish. The make-up is next.

You see, not only do I have to seize these productive moods, but I also have to go with the pitch it flow. I’ve been throwing things out for two weeks now. I’m in the rhythm. I can carry that rhythm to moisturizer I’m never going to use and I know I’m never going to use. It’s okay for me to get rid of those things and create that much needed space.

I need to lighten my load, so to speak.

So if anyone needs any barely used eyeshadow, let me know. I might have your shade.