Writing–July Projects

July 3, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I don’t really have a lot going on this month, if I’m going to be honest.

I’ve finished cutting down and revising the Ivy novel into a novella. I did that at the end of last month after unexpectedly finishing everything I had planned over a week early. I needed to do something productive and that was it. I’m going to let it rest a couple of weeks and then go through another round of revisions on it.

Remember how I said the short story anthology I was working on was subject to change? Well, a change has come. I think one of the stories would work for a short story contest. All I’ve got to do is cut about thirty words from it to hit the word limit. So I’m going to do that. Meanwhile, I’m going to revise the new stories written for the anthology (again) and then start really looking at putting the thing together. I think I’ve got more holes in this plan than I initially thought, even before submitting one of the stories.

And…that’s it. All that’s left are little things, like doing a couple of essays I’ve got ideas for, but keep putting off doing and doing some organizing stuff.

Now watch. I think this month is light and I’ll end up racing to get it all done by the end of the month.

The Reality of “Let’s Be Brave”

July 1, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Last year I posted about a dream I had in which a young Michael Nesmith came to me and said, “Let’s be brave”. And I decided that it was a great idea and these were words I should live by.

I declared it my new motto.

Almost a year later I can safely say that I haven’t been too good about living up to those words.

In some ways, I have. Little ways. I bit the bullet when it came to my sewing, pushing aside the idea of making a mistake and wasting a shirt or a pair of jean or a handkerchief and turning those things into bags and skirts and dresses.

I’ve self-published a couple of novellas in that time and I’ve been less shy about being a writer, though I’m still pretty restrained when it comes to bugging people to read what I’ve published.

I’ve given fewer fucks about what people think about me and I’m embracing who and what I am and I’m less afraid about being that person in front of everyone more and more.

But in a lot of important ways, I’m still a coward.

My life has advanced very little. My need for security keeps me petrified. My ability to make money being tied to my self-esteem, my inability to be more creative about making money, the constant berating that goes on in my head about not having a “real” job and how everyone judges me as a failure for it, those things I haven’t been brave enough to even face, let alone conquer or let go.

I still can’t ask for help; my ego won’t allow it. I’m not brave enough to admit that it’s okay to ask for help and that, maybe, people would be willing to help me. I’m not a failure for asking for help, even if I feel like I am and like I don’t deserve it.

I’m still ashamed of so many aspects of my life. The bravery that I feel when facing them falters when I have to admit them to other people. I still have too many fucks to give in that department.

And don’t even get me started on the downright terror that complete paralyzes me when it comes to matters of the heart.

Who would have thought that turning brave from chicken wouldn’t happen overnight? Or even in a year?

I acknowledge the progress that I’ve made and I hope to keep making more, but I can’t help but be disappointed that I haven’t gone farther in a year.

I’ll never be able to stitch “Let Be Brave” on a sampler if I don’t live up to those words.

Writing–I’m Done…Now What?

June 26, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I finished my last pass on The World (Saving) Series. So now I’m faced with the questions I didn’t want to answer earlier this month when I was making out my goals list.

Now what do I do?

I can’t go any farther with the manuscript on my own, that’s for sure. I’m not going to see any other changes that need to be done (though it’s possible that I could find grammar errors that I missed). I don’t have a regular beta reader and of the few friends that I’ve used in that role, I’ve never had them read a full-length novel manuscript before. I’m not sure I can impose on their time like that.

But even if I do eventually have this thing go through beta or ultimately decide not to, then what? What do I want to do with it? Do I want to try to use it to land an agent? Do I want to try to get it published with a traditional publisher? Do I want to self-publish it? Or do I want to just shelve it, chalk it up to learning since first novel manuscripts don’t usually sell anyway, and then move on to to something else?

I’ve asked all of these questions before, probably on this blog, but now they’re not hypothetical. They’re not in the future. They’re really here, in front of me, waiting to be answered.

And I don’t have the answers right now.

I think, right now, at least for a little while, it’s going in a metaphorical drawer. I’m just going to enjoy the doneness for a bit, the sense of accomplishment that I actually saw a novel manuscript through to the end. Put off the questions for a little while longer.

Maybe in that time, when the glamour wears off and I start feeling the weight of that finished beast sitting on my hard drive, I’ll come up with the answers.

Or maybe at least find a beta reader that I don’t mind punishing.

“Are You Really Writing Books?”

June 24, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

A friend of mine posted that on a link to my Amazon Author’s Page that I posted on Facebook, my meager attempt to try to drum up a little business.

People who frequent my blog on Wednesdays or happen to catch the appropriate Tweet on my Twitter feed might think this is a stupid question. But, actually, it’s valid.

Yes, I am writing books. I’m also writing short stories and novellas and blog posts and journal entries and non-fiction blobs and episode summaries of a TV show that doesn’t exist. Some of these will be published by a real publisher, some will be self-published, and some will never see the light of day. It’s a thing that’s happening whether I talk about it or not. Like my exercise routine or specific food intake. Even if I don’t feel compelled to tell people about it, it’s still happening.

Now, I talk a bit about my writing on the Internet, specifically on Wednesdays. I mention it on occasion on my Twitter. I post about my stories getting accepted and rejected and my self-publishing ventures in between. But I don’t talk about these things much off the ‘net.

Why?

Well, because.

Because I don’t want to answer all of the questions that inevitably come up after I mention that I’m a writer. “What do you write?” is always the lead-off and then it goes from there, down the rabbit hole of awkwardness because, see, I don’t make a living off of my writing (yet) and I’m not at all a best-seller (yet) and I’m definitely not famous (I’m cool with that). You’re not going to find my stuff on the shelves (yet). And the conversation sort of fizzles and dies because, well, how can I possibly be a REAL writer if I’m not making a living off of it?

The lead-off question has another pitfall. I answer that question honestly by saying, “Horror fiction mostly”, which leads people to say, “Oh, like Stephen King?”

I adore Stephen King. We all know that. But the answer is no, not like Stephen King. Stephen King is an educated, literate, well-read man who can craft eloquent sentences and amazing imagery despite his sometimes gruesome subject matter.

I, on the other hand, am a three-time college dropout, who doesn’t read anything she’s supposed to and definitely not as much as she’s supposed to, and only by virtue of chance can string together a few words to form coherent sentences that sometimes illustrate her bizarre and sometimes horrific imagination.

I am nothing like Stephen King and neither is what I write. Our genre is the only thing that connects us.

The other reason I don’t talk about my writing is simply because I get the feeling no one is interested. It’s not like a regular job. It’s hard for other people to relate to what I do. And since I don’t like to talk much about works-in-progress, the conversation is pretty short if steered in that direction. As for talking about the works I’ve done, well, horror isn’t everybody’s bag. It isn’t most people’s bag. And if they don’t like to read it, then they don’t like to talk about it.

I guess I’ve become accustomed to not discussing my writing life outside of the Internet. Which is a problem when it comes to me trying to get people to read my work, but the funny thing is, I don’t look past the Internet for readers either. In fact, when it comes to my writing life, it only seems to exist online.

Maybe I should consider branching out.

Writing–Format This

June 19, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

In my quest to accomplish my goals for this month, I need to publish Gone Missing and Night of the Nothing Man on Amazon.

My biggest obstacle to this is formatting the stories to be published on Amazon.

It’s my least favorite chore when it comes to self-publishing. I can do it, but I don’t like to do it. The act of following the directions so I can properly format my manuscript awakens some sort of perfectionist Kraken in me that makes my life difficult. I’m not saying that I shouldn’t strive to do my best; but that bit of perfectionist in me denies that I’m capable of anything close to best. So when the Perfection-Kraken comes out, the task becomes about six times harder than it needs to be.

And then there’s that tendency I have from childhood that demands I get everything right the first time. I need to be able to know it and do it immediately. The fact that I’ve done this before (even if it was a few years ago) amps up that demand. I shouldn’t have any trouble with this because I’ve done it before and once was enough. For whatever reason, this line of thinking also leads me to believe that there are no do-overs. That it is essential that I get it right the first time because I won’t be allowed to fix anything, which isn’t true.

Finally, there’s my paranoia that if I do mess something up, I won’t be able to fix it and it will break the delicate balance of the Universe and the blood rain will be all my fault.

Okay, what I’m getting at is that just knowing that I have to format a manuscript for self-publishing sets my anxiety choo-choo in motion, pulling cars and cars full of procrastination.

It’s only until I make myself do it that the anxiety abates and by the time I’m finished, I’m kicking myself for not getting to work on it sooner.

It was worse this time around because all I had to do was some minor changes and do a little battle with Night of the Nothing Man‘s table of contents. All told it took me about an hour, maybe an hour and half to get both of them done and uploaded.

Yep. Two weeks of anxiety and procrastination for less than two hours work.

At least they’re done now.

Gone Missing

Night of the Nothing Man

I Was That Weird Kid: Food Edition

June 17, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Even though I don’t get summer vacation anymore, summer still makes me think of being a kid. And when I think of being a kid, I think of how weird I was as a kid.

All kids are weird by nature because society has yet to really enforce all the rules of “normal” on them, but even for a kid I was weird because I didn’t like normal kid things, food in particular. Not a big deal, really, but my mother ran a daycare while I was growing up. Feeding eight kids was simple for her: you ate what you got and if you didn’t eat it, I’m terribly sorry for your misfortune. Wait it out until snack time. The thing is, while Mom aimed to feed us all healthy lunches, she did feed us the typical kid foods. And the trouble with that was I didn’t like a lot of them.

I hit my limit on hot dogs really young. I remember eating them as a kid, but I was still early on in grade school when I could no longer stomach them (to this day I can only eat a hot dog if it’s a corn dog for some weird reason). Same thing happened with bologna.

The kid’s drink staple of summer is Kool-Aid. I didn’t like Kool-Aid. There was only one flavor that I’d drink (it was called Rainbow Punch and just saying the name conjures up memories of the taste of it) and when they discontinued it that was the end of my Kool-Aid run. My mother could never find another flavor that I’d drink.

I think we’ve chronicled my hatred of Jell-O enough, but I’ll say it once again. I hated Jell-O as a kid just as I hate it now.

How about Lucky Charms? Kids love colored marshmallows in their cereal! I don’t like marshmallows. My mother likes to remind me that when I was three, she found me picking all of the marshmallows out of my bowl so I could eat the cereal without accidentally ingesting one.

Push-pops? No. Ice pops? No. Cream pops? No.

I realize this makes me sound like a picky eater, but in fact, I was one of the easiest kids to feed. I liked most things and I ate a lot of things that most kids wouldn’t eat, like spinach, brussel sprouts, cooked carrots, and such. And I did like a lot of kid foods like Spaghetti-O’s, fish sticks, chicken nuggets, and macaroni and cheese.

I just didn’t like THOSE foods.

Weird kid.

Pictures: CornBelters Game 6/7/13

June 14, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

What follows is photographic evidence that I had a good time at the CornBelters game last week, even if they did lose.

A corn dog at the Corn Crib for the CornBelters game. I'm sensing a theme. — A corn dog at the Corn Crib for the CornBelters game. I’m sensing a theme.

Writing–I’ll Get It Right Eventually

June 12, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I first got the idea for “The Backroom” about six years ago (has it been that long?). When I started writing the story, though, it ended up being something different. After a couple of rounds of revisions I re-titled it “Customer Service” and ended up self-publishing it in Rejected.

But the original idea, one that never really made it down on paper, stayed with me. For my latest self-published anthology project (should it come to be), I decided to give it another go.

I wrote the first draft and typed it up. It was closer to my original idea than “Customer Service” ever was, but it still wasn’t there yet.

And so, I’m re-writing it. This time, I’m going to nail it. I swear. Really. It’s going to happen.

That happens sometimes. The transition from idea to written word doesn’t always go the way I think it will. Sometimes it works out in my favor and I end up with something better than my original idea. And sometimes it works out like “The Backroom”. “Customer Service” isn’t better than my original plan, just different. It doesn’t satisfy the thought bubble surrounding this story that’s floating around in my head.

This newest version of “The Backroom” idea is going to be the closest I’ve come to getting what’s in my head down on paper. It’s not exactly the way I want to do it, but it will satisfy the idea itch that I’ve been carrying around for years. It will likely be re-written again, if not heavily revised.

But that’s the goal, isn’t it?

Eventually, I’m going to get this story right.

My First CornBelters Game of 2013

June 11, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Things are a little different this season. Yeah, there was again a significant roster turnover in the off-season (I recognize a couple of names, though!) and we’ve got a new manager again, but this team came out of the gate winning. Winning so much that they’ve got one of the best records in the Frontier League and were in first place in the division by the time I went to this game. That’s pretty spiffy for a team that couldn’t buy a win last year.

Of course, they didn’t win at the game I went to. In fact, the first two innings, they looked a lot like the team I watched last season. Three errors and nine runs in the first two innings; six of those runs scored on two outs. I thought I was looking at another blowout (I watched them challenge the need for a mercy rule last year in one of their games). But, they managed to shore it up and didn’t allow another run for the next seven innings. In fact, they played pretty good ball after that.

Except for the scoring part. Three runs was all they could manage despite some pretty nice offensive numbers from several of their players.

Ah, well. It was a good time anyway. I took my three nieces to the game. For three girls that aren’t really that much into baseball, they love the Corn Crib. And it’s not even the distractions like the video board, face painting, kid zone, Corny, and/or food that get them going (especially since the only running around they’re allowed to do once the game starts is to go to the bathroom). It’s just the whole ballpark experience. They really enjoy themselves. Particularly when they’re able to make up dances to the walk-up music. Romulo Ruiz and David Medina are now their two favorite players because of this.

The after-game fireworks set to classic rock is a big winner, too.

The one drawback was a guy sitting near us who felt that it was his duty to yell encouragement to every ‘Belter that came up the plate. For every pitch.

Folks, I cannot stress enough that you should not be this guy. This is not little league and you are not their parent (even if it was little league and you were their parent it would still be annoying, but at least understandable and you’d only be doing it for your kid, not every player). It’s cool to applaud and whoop when the guy comes up to bat, but he doesn’t need your extra loud words for every pitch. And if at any time your unnecessarily loud voice is used to say, “Kill the umpire!” or call the umpire a ref when you’re heckling him, then you need to find a well to throw yourself down. Because you’re not cool. You’re an asshole.

Rule of thumb: When an eight year old wants to fight you, you’re being obnoxious.

But never mind the jerks.

Let’s go Corn!

I Don’t Owe You An Explanation for Being Fat

June 10, 2013September 28, 2021 ~ Kiki Writes ~ 1 Comment

I’m fat. This is apparent. Laws knows that I’m not trying to hide it and I don’t think I could if I wanted to as that sort of cover-up would no doubt make me look larger.

But I don’t have to explain my fatness to you. I don’t have to defend it. I don’t have to justify it. I don’t have to apologize for it. It is what it is and if you have a problem with my appearance, then YOU HAVE THE PROBLEM.

I don’t have to assure you that I’m doing healthy things with my life despite my weight. I don’t have to apologize for leaving the house not weighing 120 pounds. I don’t have to argue that I have just as much right to exist as you do because my pants size is bigger than yours.

Let me say it again.

YOU HAVE THE PROBLEM.

My fat is my own. I’m the one that deals with it on a daily basis. I dress it. I touch it. I move it. I wash it. And you know what? I don’t have nearly as big of a problem with it as you do.

Because you think I should be ashamed. You think I should be apologetic. You think I should change.

Don’t tell me I should lose weight for my health because we both know you don’t really think that. You don’t give one shit about my health. You want to me to lose weight so I’ll fit into the socially acceptable appearance box. You want me to lose weight so you’ll be more comfortable in my presence, sitting next to me, talking to me, walking past me, walking around me.

Me losing weight in this context has nothing to do with me and everything to do with YOU.

So when I don’t lose weight, when I insist on existing in my fat state, it offends YOU. Because you’ve made MY weight about YOU.

YOU HAVE THE PROBLEM.

I don’t.

So please understand when I exist against your wishes, without apology or justification.

Because this is your hang-up, scooter, not mine.