I Was Pretty Then

May 13, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ 1 Comment

A couple of weekends ago, I drove myself crazy looking for a few of pictures of me as a kid. They’re my favorites: one of me at about three, wearing my favorite pants; one of me at about 6 or 7 months old, drinking my first beer (I was the first grandchild, so they had a lot of fun with me); and one of my R2-D2 birthday cake when I was three or four.

I finally found them, but in the process, I found a couple of other pictures of me and I was struck by them.

One was of me when I was about 17. A friend of my dad’s was a photographer and agreed to do a photo shoot of my dad, my sister, and me for free so she could build up her portfolio. Dad, who isn’t big on pictures and usually looks like he’s about thirty seconds away from a homicidal rampage in them because he doesn’t smile, agreed because it meant he could give copies to Grandma and get her off his back about new pictures of us.

I remember that day because I felt stupid getting my picture taken in a bunch of different spots at Weldon Springs and I got reamed by my boss at Taco Bell because for an establishment that served questionable food products, they had pretty strict dress code rules and I got busted because I forgot to take all of my earrings out before I showed up for my shift (I have my ears done three times, but I was only allowed to wear one pair of earrings because that shit matters, man).

The second picture I found was taken when I was 21. I was at a hotel in Chicago with my boyfriend at the time. I was sitting on the bed in just a t-shirt, putting on my make-up. My hair was a pink mess and I was suffering from a serious lack of sleep. My ex had grabbed my camera and snapped a picture of me before I could protest.

I remember that day pretty well, too. I was getting ready that morning to drive him to the airport so he could go home. It was the end of long a trip for him, the longest the two of us had ever spent in each other’s physical presence during our entire long-distance relationship.

Looking at those pictures, I wasn’t just struck by the memories. I was also taken with just how pretty I was.

I never thought that at the time. How could I? Back then when I looked in the mirror I saw what everyone else saw: a fat girl with massive breasts and too-wide hips and too-broad shoulders. I was the opposite of what pretty was. Or what I was constantly being told pretty was.

Looking at those pictures and seeing it with the perfect vision of hindsight, I’m amazed that I remained oblivious that whole time. And I’m amazed that everyone else did, too. How many boys and girls missed out because my pants size was in the double digits? Holy hell! Look at that face! How did anyone manage to resist me? Well, I admit it. I helped them out a lot in that department. A little more confidence would have gone a long way back then.

I look at those pictures and I’m struck by the missed opportunity to enjoy being pretty. I’m not pretty now, mostly because of the stuff I did when I was the ages I was in those pictures. It takes too much work to be pretty now. But back then, I did it without a second thought and didn’t realize it.

Because I wasn’t pretty like everyone else, like I was supposed to be, like society wanted me to be.

Such a waste.

**I feel like I should add a disclaimer to this post. I’m NOT fishing for compliments. I’m just saying that I was too stupid back in the day to realize I was pretty then and marveling over the fact that some distance in the form of time has finally let me see that. I hated those pictures for years because I didn’t think I was pretty. I’m finally old enough to change my mind about that.**

Writing–I’ve Never Been This Close to Done Before

May 8, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I completed my latest round of revisions on The World (Saving) Series. I was about half-way through when it occurred to me how little revising I was actually doing. Then it dawned on me that I was doing little revising because the story, for the most part, is done. As in, I’m not adding or deleting any more scenes, I’m not changing any more of the plot, I’m not doing anymore tinkering.

The heavy-lifting is officially done.

And that’s when I had my little moment of panic.

I’ve never been this done with a novel manuscript before. This the farthest I’ve ever gone.

I’m scared out of my mind.

It’s like a trick or something. I’m at the point in revising when I’m moving more to polishing than really revising. Now it’s all down to the nuts and bolts, the word choice and phrasing. The little things.

So naturally, I’m paranoid.

Not having ever been this far, I’m now thinking that there must be SOMETHING that I’ve missed. Some giant, glaring error. Some heavy-lifting off in a corner that I’ve walked by a dozen times, but never noticed.

Because I can’t possibly be this close to being done.

It’s a weird feeling, like when you think you’ve left the iron on (do people still iron?). You’re just sure that it’s on, but it’s not, but you can’t shake the feeling that the damn thing is still on. I cannot shake the feeling that I can’t possibly be this close to being done.

But I am.

Oh, I’m not stupid. I’m sure a good and proper editor would have a field day shredding this manuscript and exposing every single flaw it contains (and I’d be fine with that). But the fact that I’ve gotten this manuscript to the point where I could polish it up and submit it without (much) reservation is a milestone. Never have I been so close to this kind of completion. To me, it counts for something.

It also brings to the forefront of my mind that I should have an idea of what I’m going to do with this manuscript. Do I try to submit it to agents to attempt to get representation? Do I just go ahead and shelve it and start working on something else since first novels almost never get anywhere? I don’t know. I’m in new territory here.

I never thought I’d ever get this done.

And I never thought getting this done would be so scary.

Writing–May Projects

May 1, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Uhhh…I’m kind of at a loss of what I should be working on this month.

I’m going to finish up the latest round of revisions on The World (Saving) Series. I’m going to continue working on the short stories that I’m either going to submit or use for the self-published short story collection.

I’ve now got three sooper sekrit projects and I plan on continuing to work two of them (one of them I’ve kind of lost the heart for).

And aside from that…I don’t know.

It sounds like a lot, but it’s not really. I may take a look at a few of my other manuscripts, just to see if there’s anything I want to start working on, but I’m not sure I want to start another big revision project before I’m done with World.

Maybe I should take advantage of this slow month and catch up on my reading. I’ve been slacking the past couple of months.

Shut Up, Brain

April 29, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I’m one of those people that has trouble with ruminations. Ruminating, if you don’t know, is going over and over and over (and over) something in your head. I tend to replay stupid things I’ve done or said in mind, sometimes for hours. It keeps me from falling asleep. It keeps me from concentrating on other things that I need to be doing. It ratchets up the anxiety to the point that I think my head is going to pop off.

For example, last week I had some text message confusion with some people I work with at the clothing store. Long story short, my phone doesn’t like group messaging, reply all is a fucking crime, and I should have put that phone list in my phone when I got it. When I finally figured out what was going on and why, I felt like a total idiot.

And so, my brain set to work not only replaying that whole fiasco out, but also trying to come up with a way to explain myself should it come up in conversation during the next floorset about how I’m a moron without looking like a huge moron.

For two hours, I tortured myself with this garbage that everyone else involved likely laughed off and probably won’t even remember the next time I see them. But I don’t like being an idiot or looking like one, so I must be punished, I guess.

Finally, after driving myself crazy, I decided to try a little meditation. I do yoga daily and though I don’t usually do the meditation portion at the end of my workouts, I will do it on occasion when I’m feeling stressed or anxious, or in this case, dumb. And it worked! I did a quick meditation and immediately felt better, the anxiety and burden of stupid lifted off of my mind.

So what did my brain do?

Marvel at the fact that I was no longer thinking about it by trying to think about it again. Like someone with a sore tooth realizing the tooth is no longer sore and then poking around to see if they find any trace of that soreness left, thereby making the tooth sore again.

Yes, I’m that kind of dingbat. Or at least my brain is.

So, of course, I started thinking about it again. And then I meditated again. And then I poked around again until I started thinking about it again. And so I deleted the evidence from my phone. And I meditated again.

And then I said, “You know what? I need a blog post for Monday. Here. Let me just write about how stupid my brain can be and how stupid I can be. THAT will fix it.”

So there. Maybe now my brain will shut up about it for good.

Well…maybe a little more meditation.

Mystery Solved! “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)”

April 26, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Meatloaf’s rock opera “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” is a great song, one that got a lot of airplay when I was younger. And the one thing that people always brought up (aside from the epic rock opera-ness of the song and the Beauty and the Beast theme of the video) and still bring up to this day is that Meatloaf never said what he wouldn’t do for love.

Except he did.

This is something that has bugged me since this song has come out because even as a kid I knew exactly what he wouldn’t do. If you’re not familiar with the song or you need to refresh your memory, check it out. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Did you hear it? It’s right there, plain as day.

No?

Listen closer.

When the pretty lady is singing and flying around on the couch, she sings, “Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around”.

And Meatloaf replies…

“But, I won’t do that.”

THAT IS WHAT HE WILL NOT DO FOR LOVE. HE WILL NOT SCREW AROUND.

Mystery solved!

You’re welcome.

Writing–And Then I Reconsider

April 24, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I sold my first story of 2013 last week. Yay! “Someone to Hold” found a home!

And while I’m very excited about this as placing a story always gives me a satisfying rush because it’s public acknowledgement that I’m a real writer, it has given me pause on another project.

I’m seriously considering self-publishing another short story anthology. The anthology would use the seven stories I’ve been flogging around for a while that are ready to go plus five new stories written with the anthology in mind. It’d be set up like a sort of calendar. I like this idea. I thought it’d work for a late year release.

And then “Someone to Hold” found a home.

Immediately, I started wondering about the seven stories that are sitting there waiting to be sent out. Since Duotrope went paid and I can’t afford to use it, I haven’t made much of an effort to send any of them out. Now I’m wondering if I’m not selling them short by self-publishing them.

Aside from the fact that they’ll never know the joy of having someone other than myself finding them publishable, the honest fact is that even if I was paid a one-time token rate of ten bucks for one of the stories, that’s probably more than the whole anthology would make in a year (or more, if I’m going to be REALLY honest).

This anthology idea that I thought was so great is now being viewed in a different light, professionally, creatively, and monetarily. It’s amazing how one little success can throw a wrench in something else.

So now I have to make a decision. Do I want to try to sell these stories or do I want to go with the anthology idea? Which would be better for the stories? Which would be better for me? Do I want that victory rush? Or another project that collects change?

Right now I don’t know.

I’ve got a lot to consider.

Sew, Whatcha Doing?

April 22, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

My grandma attempted to teach me how to use a sewing machine when I was a kid. It was a fruitless endeavor. Between not being very interested at the time and being one of those people that gets easily frustrated when I’m not instantly adept at something, it was a learnin’ that I did not get. My sister, on the other hand, picked up the sewing machine and learned how to crochet and has always been able to cook. She can also bust a forty bottle just right in order to cut a bitch. I’ve always been jealous of my sister’s innate abilities.

Anyway, though I never learned how to work a sewing machine (I have intentions to teach myself or have my great-aunt learn me up), I did teach myself how to sew by hand. As such, I’ve actually made quite a few things. I’ve made several pillows over the years as gifts; I created a DragonCon costume; I’ve made a few stuffed animals; and I repair a lot of my clothes. I’m pretty good with hand sewing combat skills.

My latest project is turning a t-shirt into a bag. I don’t remember what gave me the idea. I’ve got a bunch of old t-shirts that I don’t wear, but I don’t want to get rid of because I think they’re neat and I just can’t bear to part with them. I don’t like waste and right now they’re just sitting in a bin under my bed. At some point, in my sifting through multiple ideas over the past few years, I came up with turning a t-shirt into a bag.

This idea has been months in the making, I’ll have you know. I picked a t-shirt that I was okay with destroying, looked at it. And then I put it away in one of my craft drawers. A few months later, I pulled it out again and looked at it. Then I put it away again. I couldn’t figure out how I wanted to make this transition and if I could make it work.

A couple of weekends ago, I finally said, “screw it”, and committed to the project. I cut off the bottom of the t-shirt, sewed that bit up and lo, the bottom of the bag was born. Since then, a bit at a time, I’ve turned the sleeves into pockets, turned strips of the excess material into a strap, and decided where to attach the strap. This past weekend I bit the bullet and attached the strap and refined the pockets and the bag is now done (aside from testing it to see how well the stitching holds up). So yeah, this project that I didn’t think I’d ever do is now done.

Sometimes, I forget that I’m capable of doing stuff like that. In addition to being one of those people that thinks they should be instantly adept at new things, I also have it in my head that stuff should be done all in one go. And some things should be. But other things don’t have to be and in fact, it’s a better approach to do a little bit at a time. The overall result is better and the process isn’t as overwhelming.

If only I could apply this sewing project approach to my life.

Writing–On Fanfiction

April 17, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I wrote fanfiction for years. By the time it was all said and done, I’d written easily over 100 stories in twelve fandoms (that I remember). It’s very easy for most people to dismiss fanfiction (if you ignore the people that reconstituted their fanfic into bestsellers and you’re not one of the authors that likes to sue fanfic writers), but I cannot deny the contribution it made to my writing.

I’ve read some of my old stuff before, by now over ten years old in some cases, and I cringe. It’s filled with a voice so passive it doesn’t have a pulse. The descriptions are like vacant lots. Some of the stories are downright drivel (those, oddly enough, tended to be my most popular ones). None of them do I read and go, “Yeah! I can redo that and sell it!” because, yeah, no.

However, they’re not at all a waste. From the very first story, it was obvious that I had a good ear for dialogue. The quality of the stories improved over time. I was pretty good with tone and pacing. I was very good at picking up the canon and the characters. That’s something I pride myself on to this day. I was once able to write a good, in canon story in a fandom for a movie I’d never seen. My friend just told me the details I needed to know. The feedback praised my ability to write the main character so well. I still preen over that little victory.

Because I was at one time pumping out several stories a month, it was like a writing bootcamp in a way. Just by the sheer volume of words I was writing, I had no choice but to get better. Stephen King said that to be a writer you had to read a lot and write a lot and at that time, I was writing A LOT. It wasn’t all good, but it was something. And the something I was getting down helped me get better whether I realized it or not.

Now, I didn’t learn everything writing fanfiction. It wasn’t until well after my constant gush of words trickled to a drip of a story every once in a while that I learned the art of revisions. It was about then that I really got the hang of my passive voice problem. It’s been the years since then that I really refined my writing process into something that almost works well.

But, I can’t help but think how far behind I’d be if I hadn’t been writing all of those stories. Fanfiction gave me an opportunity to get better with immediate feedback and the a safe place to explore, experiment, and most importantly, write.

So, feel free to write fanfiction off.

Because I’m happy I wrote it.

My Favorite Scar

April 15, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I’ve got lots of scars. That’s the fun of having pale skin and not healing very well and doing stupid things.

Of all of my many scars, though, I think the one I got from a ceramic hummingbird is my favorite. First of all, it’s right across the bridge of my nose. Second of all, when I say I got it from a ceramic hummingbird, people automatically want to know the story because, dude, how do you get a scar on your nose from a ceramic hummingbird? There is no mundane way something like that happens.

So, here’s the story.

When I worked in the jewelry department at the local Wal-Mart, we had a gift wall that featured ceramic figurines, jewelry boxes, snow globes, and the like. Mother’s Day and Christmas were two of the holidays that those gifts were supposed to focus on. The trouble was that nobody wanted to be a ceramic mother figure for their mother and as a result, the gift wall looked like someone with a hoarding problem trying to be neat instead of a display.

Overstock was supposed to go on the riser above the wall. On the day in question, I was on the ladder rearranging the riser shelf to make room for yet more boxes of these ceramic nightmares, trying to figure out how to stack all of this stuff without breaking safety codes.

As I was moving some of the boxes of ceramic humming birds, I noticed too late that one side of the shelf had come out of its slot. Before I could fix it, that side of the shelf fell, sending a row of ceramic humming birds right at my face. I was unprepared for the aviary onslaught and one of the boxes hit me in the face, the corner of it busting open the bridge of my nose. I don’t know if you’ve handled much in the way of ceramics, but they can be quite weighty. Those humming birds were a lot heavier than their living counterparts. I got rocked pretty good.

Bleeding, seeing a couple of stars, I climbed down off of the ladder, applied a Kleenex and some pressure to the wound…and then helped a customer because apparently he really needed to see a pair of earrings and my need for a Band-Aid could wait.

Once I did get the Band-Aid applied, I then had the fortune of telling every one of my co-workers why I had a Band-Aid on my nose. They all thought it was hilarious. Except for one. When she pointed out how easily I could have been killed (if the bird had hit me a little bit harder, it would have knocked me out and I would have been in bad shape going unconscious at the top of a ladder), it wasn’t quite as funny anymore.

Now, though, with the scar so faded most people don’t notice it, the humor has returned.

With a story like that, though, my favorite scar still manages to get some attention.

Rerun Junkie– My Top Five Theme Songs

April 12, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I like a good TV show theme song. It sets the tone, you know. There are some fabulous theme songs out there. There are some clear cut classics and everyone has their own preferences. And being a rerun junkie such that I am, you had to know that I would have my own list of the best.

This is a very subjective top 5 and it’s one that’s not in any particular order because I’m wobbly like that. But odds are if you ask me what my favorite theme song is on any given day, it will be one of these.