Bad Movie Bliss

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

If someone invites me to the theater or over to their house to watch the latest critically acclaimed masterpiece that doesn’t feature dwarves, elves, and Andy Serkis, I’m probably going to take a pass to watch a cable chopped version of Alien:Resurrection. Why? Because bad movies are where I live.

I’m not a big movie person to begin with. I like movie trivia, but I was voted least likely to sit through one (if such a vote ever took place). I’m no end of frustration to my friends because when they ask if I’ve seen a movie, nine times out of ten I haven’t. That tenth time, the movie is probably horrible and I’ve seen it a dozen times. The only reason I’ve seen some of the more popular/critically acclaimed/so-cool-I-can’t-believe-you-haven’t-seen-it movies in the past couple of decades (Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, American Beauty, Clerks, Fight Club, the list goes one) is because somebody MADE me.

This isn’t a recent phenomenon. I can remember being little and my beloved Papa making me watch The Princess Bride. I had absolutely no interest in seeing it. My attitude was not unlike Fred Savage’s in the film. By the end, I was hooked and wanted to watch it again. And again.

While most people’s guilty pleasures are the crappy movies I live on, mine are the opposite. Two of my favorite films are Delicatessen and My Dinner With Andre. At first glance, Delicatessen is right up my alley. It’s a black comedy. Why is it a guilty pleasure? It’s French. It’s a foreign film. I have to read subtitles. Just the fact that it’s from another country should automatically put it out of my league.

And My Dinner With Andre? It’s two guys sitting and talking for pretty much the whole film. That’s it. It contains nothing the movies on my shelves have going for them.

But this isn’t about the good. It’s about the bad.

Horror movies are my favorite. Naturally, I love the greats like Halloween, Psycho, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Jaws, Alien, Friday the 13th, and so forth. But I also love their sequels. I’ve been known to waste afternoons watching Friday the 13th movies that I even I think are crap just because I’m still watching Jason Voorhees and that beats anything else playing at the moment.

The SyFy channel was made for me. Those B-movie concepts are my cup of tea. I’ve been known to cancel plans for Pterodactyl, Sharktopus, and Mega Piranha. I can put those on and enjoy without being expected to think. If it’s possible to less than think, then that’s what I do watching those movies.

With Halloween approaching, my TV should soon be glutted with horrible delights, if I’ve got any luck at all. Between SyFy and AMC, I should get more than my fill of both the good and the bad. It’s something I look forward to all year.

And am always disappointed when they put the best stuff on at 3AM so they can show Constantine and Return to the House on Haunted Hill.

Some bad even I won’t touch.

Writing–Not Quite Ready For Primetime

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Earlier this month I invited people to pay some money to purchase a book of my rejected short stories and then give me their honest feedback about why they thought I couldn’t get anyone to publish them. Thankfully, nobody took me up on the invitation.

Why am I thankful for that?

Because despite trying to make this self-published venture look as professional as possible, I still made a boneheaded mistake that would make me look like anything but professional.

In reviewing my file to prepare it to be acceptible to distribute on Amazon, I realized that I had messed up the numbers on the table of contents. Okay, maybe it’s not an earth shattering mistake, but it’s still a stupid one and one I’m really embarrassed about and thankful that I caught.

But I should have caught it sooner.

The mistake happened because I’d originally set-up the book with a different template. I decided to go with a different one and switched everything over, neglecting to change the page numbers on the table of contents.

Even better is that I actually have a physical copy of the book and have looked at several times, but never caught the mistake.

It’s possible no one would catch the mistake, but that’s not the point. The point is that it never should have gone out that way and the fault is all mine.

I was in too much of a hurry. There’s a ticking clock in my brain that’s always telling me how behind I am and that I need to hurry. The sooner I get this book out, the sooner I can promote it, the sooner I can get the word of mouth going, the sooner I can build a fanbase, the sooner I can…the sooner I can…

I got ahead of myself. I rushed and I paid the price. Thankfully, not a heavy one. I’m embarrassed, but not nearly as embarrassed as I would have been if more people had bought the book before I caught the mistake.

This incident once again reminds me that nothing good comes of me rushing through something and I’m at my most dangerous when I think I know what I’m doing.

It’s Hip to Be Square

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I’ve never been a cool kid. I’m sure you’re shocked by this revelation, but it’s true. Growing up, I lacked all of the necessary skills to be cool. I was too smart, too weird, too awkward, too shy. There was nothing about me that would have made me popular even in a one room school house with only two students. It was just not in my genetic make-up.

To take it a step further, I couldn’t even try to be cool. To this day, my sister has to keep me up-to-date on slang and explain the correct context in which it is to be used. In effect, my much hipper younger sister has to translate cool for me because I do not speak it. I march to the beat of my own drummer and that drummer tends to play the oldies.

Going through school as not very popular (not be confused with not having any friends, because I did and they were very good ones and I’m glad I spent my time with them), it baffles me now at the age of thirty bonus year that I would be thought of as cool and be popular, but I am, at least in a two very specific sections of the population.

The first section is Walmart. To pinpoint it even further, the people I worked with at my tiny Walmart here in town. Walking into that store is the closest I’ll ever get to being a rock star.

Okay, so this is mostly because I’ve worked there twice and racked up a few years and I got along really well with most of my co-workers. We chitchat and play catch-up. If I want to get out of there in under two hours, I have to time my visits very precisely.

However, I am something of a legend in that Walmart. I didn’t realize it until I went to work there the second time when I had associates that I’d never even met before know who I was. I guess that happens when you dye your hair mutliple colors, have fun at work (while busting your ass to do your job well), and aren’t afraid to get an attitude with the customers when necessary.

My legend, I’m told, continues on.

The other small contingent that thinks I’m cool are people younger than me. People my own age and people older than me look at me as something of a failure as I never finished college, never got married, never had kids, and live with my dad and a roommate while insisting that I can make some sort of career as a writer while periodically holding day jobs.

Younger people, however, seem to ignore all of that status stuff and instead hone in on the fact that I’m a quick wit that can give objective, practical advice when necessary. In some ways, I’m totally on their level. In other ways, I’m 100 years wiser. It’s an attractive blend, or so I’m led to believe. They think I’m cool.

I never expected that years after high school I would find popularity and some sort of cool factor, however minute and unimportant in the grand scheme that it might be.

Don’t worry. I won’t let it go to my head.

The Last Trip to Wrigley (For the Season)

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Tuesday I took my last trip to Wrigley for the season. I went by myself and did everything I could to soak it all up.

Unfortunately, it was 3 dollar beer night in the bleachers, so there was definitely some stuff I didn’t want to soak up.

I got a freebie floppy hat, took pictures of my favorite players, nearly got run over multiple times by herds of grown men chasing batting practice home runs, ate a helmet of ice cream for dinner, sung the 7th inning stretch with Gale Sayer, met what could be the only cool Brewers fans alive, and endured a wicked bus ride while strap hanging.

This experience has to hold me until next season.

Yeah, I’ll be jonesing for another trip before the season ends next week.

Save my place, Billy Williams.

Writing Wednesday–Writing Magazines

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I subscribe to two writing magazines: Writer’s Digest and The Writer. I love them both. Even when I was broke as a joke, I still found the money to renew my subscriptions.

I like reading them because they put me in a writing frame of mind. I don’t know why, but reading the articles gets my juices flowing. They make me want to write. More than once I’ve busted a slump by spending a day reading (or re-reading) issues.

It’s uncanny how at least one article in each issue pertains to something I’m dealing with in my writing world at that moment. If I’m thinking about writing about personal essays, the next issue might have an article about them. It’s like they know, man.

I’m terribly behind on my reading. I’ve got a stack of them on my dresser that I wasn’t able to get to while I was working my former day job. Slowly but surely, I’m catching up.

And as I catch up, I can feel the juices start to flow once again. It’s like rain after a drought. I’m feeling good.

Let’s hope some good stuff starts to grow.

Avoiding the Limelight

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Teenagers crave attention. With the benefit of a few years of distance, I can see that clearly. Everything that happens to two them is either the best, but usually the worst thing ever. Every notable quality about them is better than any of your notable qualities. Every incident, word, interaction, look, and choice is magnified to the extreme, all for the sake of LOOK AT ME!

Now, I’m not just picking on the teenagers I know now. I was just as guilty of all of those things when I was their age and so were my friends. I have more than one memory of me acting in such a way that just makes me cringe now. If my parents had been paying better attention, I wouldn’t have blamed them for locking me in a closet for being annoying.

However, I was really BAD at getting attention. It usually backfired or was in some way ineffective. Mostly, I was out attention-got by someone else that was better at getting attention. In competitions like that, I’m woefully unskilled to compete.

Some people grow out of this ultimate need for attention. Some don’t. Some just evolve their attention getting methods.

I went in the opposite direction.

Once I realized that I wasn’t good at getting attention by any means, I gave up on trying to get it. And when those around me continued to get attention and tried to get attention, it really turned me off to trying to get it.

You know those people that have to one-up you? The ones whose lives are always worse/better than yours depending on the situtation? Yeah. I’ve been acquainted with too many attention-getters like that. It’s turned me off to sharing bits and pieces of my life because I’m tired of being used as a stepping stone to conversation stardom. I’m tired of being reminded about how their lives are so much MORE than mine.

So, I don’t share. Sometimes, I’d like to, but I think better of it and keep it myself. In the end, I have secrets.

I don’t tell people about my writing projects. There are people I haven’t told about my jewelry making. No one at the former day job new the actual extent of my new gig. I’ve gotten very comfortable with operating in the shadows and being overlooked.

But, it’s hurting me as well. You can’t live your whole life unseen (unless you’re some sort of James Bond spy, and I know I’m not cool enough for that life). I’ve gone so far the other way when it comes to seeking attention that to get attention is disconcerting. I get almost paranoid about it. Why are they looking at me? What do they want? Why does what I do matter to them?

It also doesn’t help because I’m at a point in my life when I need attention. I need the attention to create and grow a fanbase. I need the attention to sell books, sell jewelry, sell myself.

Going so long avoiding attention, I’m struggling trying to figure out ways to acquire that kind of attention.

It’s like wearing make-up. If you go for an extended period of time not wearing make-up and then you put it on, you think you look like a painted doll, even if you don’t. If you go for a period of time not trying to get attention, then you start trying, you think you’re being an annoying in a “hey, look at me!” kind of way.

As nice as it is in the darkened wings of the stage, I need to work my way back towards the limelight, even if I can only stand its glare for short periods of time.

Rerun Junkie– Perry Mason

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

The opening strains of the theme song are immediately recognizable even if you’ve never seen an episode of the show. And if you haven’t, you should. Perry Mason is classic TV, quite literally. The show ran for nine seasons, starting in 1957.

The show centered around title character Perry Mason (Raymond Burr), defense attorney, his always dependable assistant Della Street (Barbara Hale), and private detective Paul Drake (William Hopper). The law side of things was often represented by state’s attorney Hamilton Burger (William Talman), Lt. Tragg (Ray Collins), and Lt. Anderson (Wesley Lau).

Our heroes in classic black and white.

Each episode revolved around an innocent person being accused of a crime they didn’t commit. Perry would take their case and with the help of Della and Paul, he’d prove their innocence, usually in dramatic courtroom fashion.

Most of the cases involved a murder and some of them were quite over the top. Several faked deaths and lots of rich people doing horrible things. And Perry seemed to know a whole lot of people quite conveniently. It was how he got involved and/or how he solved the case.

With so many suspects, bad guys, and innocents, there was plenty of opportunity for guest stars. Bette Davis, Jerry Van Dyke, Alan Hale, Keye Luke, Adam West, Lee Merriweather, Victor Buono, James Hong, Denver Pyle, David McCallum, Jackie Coogan, Elisha Cook Jr, Gavin McCleod, Gary Collins, Louise Fletcher, James Best, and James Coburn all made appearances. Don’t recognize some of the names? Look them up. Most of them guested on the show before they landed the roles that you might know them from.

No matter the guest star or the storyline, Perry always came out on top. It made you almost feel bad for Hamilton Burger. I’d like to think that he won every case that didn’t feature Perry Mason on the defense.

Watching the episodes now, the black and white isn’t the only sign that it’s an old show. Back in the late 50’s/early 60’s people smoked freely, could easily board planes, were restricted by landlines, still sent telegrams, had to research by going through papers and files by hand, and social security numbers, birth certificates, and adoption records were more easily forged. There’s at least one thing (usually more) in each episode that could not be done today. Times have definitely changed and it’s fun to compare while trying to solve the case.

And that’s where you can find me most afternoons. Helping Perry, Della, and Paul solve a murder.

 

Where I Watch It

Writing–My First (Self) Published Book!

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Considering anyone can self-publish a book these days, this isn’t exactly something to crow about. But considering the issues I have that I outlined a few Wednesdays ago, I think it’s quite the step forward for me.

I decided to go through Lulu, as several of my friends have used their services with great satisfaction. After getting over the hurdle of signing up (it was a day long battle as I couldn’t get the cookie settings right on my laptop to get the registration to work; it was all solved after a frustrated tempertantrum, switching computers, and feeling like an idiot), I read through all of the instructions, learning how to properly format my document and all of that. My paranoia of getting things right and knowing what I was doing led me to watch the how-to tutorial five or six times just to reassure me.

I downloaded the template I wanted to use (actually, I downloaded two different ones because I wasn’t sure which would work better) and did some copy pasta to put my short story book together. It was actually pretty easy.

Naturally, I couldn’t resist editing everything one more time. All of the stories have been edited several times before, but the last thing I want to do is put out a sloppy product. I imagine, in inviting people to critique my work as I did, I’m going to get slammed over any grammar or spelling mistakes that managed to slip through. But for the most part, I wanted it to look as clean and professional as possible.

I think I’ve achieved that.

Content is another story and one of the big reasons I published this book of short stories. I want feedback from readers on why they think these stories didn’t get published. I’m opening myself up to some harsh criticism and, I’m sure, some down right bashing. But they’ll have to buy the book (or download) to achieve that. And at least I’ll know that someone is reading it.

If you want to be one of the readers, you can purchase Rejected: Nine Stories I Couldn’t Get Published here or check out the Rejected page for more information.

Any kind words of feedback would be appreciated. Any mean words, too. I can take it.

Bring it on.

Best Laid Plans

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I’m not very good at making plans. The fact that I’ve been improvising my life since I graduated high school aside, even planning on the smaller scale is a skill I lack.

Oh, I like to plan some things out, like business and budget stuff, but I have a way of sabotaging myself. For example, this jewelry side business. I got it all in my head how I was going to set up my own store sight and build up my inventory and promote it with Moo cards. I went through with that plan. I bought the webhosting, set up the front page to the site, got the Moo cards.

And then I realized that I’d be better off setting myself up on Etsy because it’d be easier to promote and control my inventory since I was going to be short on cash for materials until I could really get going.

So I’ve spent the past couple of days canceling my webhosting account, getting my shop set up on Etsy, and redoing the Moo cards with white out and a pen to correct the store’s url. Time that could have been better spent, for sure.

I’m really good at this sort of thing. Getting everything laid out, drawing up what I think is a great plan, beginning to execute it, and then realizing that I should be doing it another way.

That’s if I make a plan at all. When it comes to making money or budgeting money, I’m all about a plan. When it comes to spending money, like with a trip, I have no plan.

Oh, I have a loose idea of what I want to do and what I need to do, but when it comes to drawing up those solid diagrams I make with other things, they’re lacking when I come to planning a trip. It’s why I usually try to go with someone else. Not just for the company, but because the person I go with is usually better on the planning. They’re better at booking hotels, planning routes, getting airline tickets, knowning what ot pack, that sort of thing.

I’m going it alone to Wrigley next week. Not such a big deal because it’s nothing more than a day trip. But the game is next Tuesday. I still haven’t bought my ticket. I still haven’t plotted the route I need to take to drive up there (though riding up just last month, I’ve got a pretty good idea how I need to go). I’m just now looking into how much gas money I’ll need. These things will get done, but I bet I’m up late the night before printing out directions and my last stop out of town will be the ATM because I’ll remember that I’ll need money to eat.

Now, if someone were going with me, I’d be totally prepared to go days in advance. The tickets would have been purchased weeks ago (and I would have been the one to do it, too), the directions would have been obtained (my co-pilot probably would have done it), and the cash would be sitting in my Boob Job Fund jar waiting for me.

It’s amazing how my trip planning skills get better when I’m flying as part of a flock instead of solo.

They say make plans and God laughs. Apparently, I was born with the same philosophy.

Writing–September Projects

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I’ve only got two main things going on this month.

First, I need to get the book of short stories, hereby titled Rejected: Nine Stories I Couldn’t Get Published, published. I’ve already started with the formatting bit of the process and I hope to have it all said and done by the end of the week.

Next week, I’ll go into more detail about both the project and the process.

Second, (and you should know this by heart now) I’ve GOT to get The World (Saving) Series revised. I know I acknowledged a setback with the revisions last month (namely having to go back to the beginning because I missed a few key scenes), but haven’t made much progress since. I think I thought about opening it up and looking at it a couple of times, but that’s about as far as I made it. No excuses, but I do have plenty of explanations (full blame on me) if anyone is interested in hearing them.

Yeah, I thought not.