I’m Fine (Never Mind the Trauma)

White figure bent over with pain dashes coming from its back on a green circle background. Image by 8thBox from Pixabay.A couple of weekends ago, I went to see Dad Shorts play at a bar in a town about 25-30 minutes away from where I live. I was dead set on going because I hadn’t missed one of their gigs and I wasn’t ready for this one to be the first. In order for me to do that, I needed to make sure I had my dad squared away.

As I’ve mentioned before, my dad has been having some health problems, namely lung cancer, COPD, and congestive heart failure. The lung cancer is under control. He’s finished his chemo and is on immunotherapy for maintenance. His COPD is controlled with medication and environmental manipulation. His congestive heart failure became an issue over the summer, but adjustments to his meds have it back under control. I’ve been his primary caregiver since this started, so I’ve gotten used to configuring my life around his health needs.

So, in my mind, if I was going to go to the Dad Shorts gig, I was going to need to get a sitter.

Okay, not a literal sitter. But, I wanted to make sure one of my neighbors or friends would be in town in case something happened. If he needed someone, I wanted him to be able to get a hold of someone who could get over to him in five or ten minutes rather than 25 or 30.

I explained this to my father and he instantly bristled at the idea. He then proceeded to point out that he hadn’t been having issues with his breathing lately. He’s been getting around better, not even using his cane in the house. My rebuttal was pointing out his penchant for doing yard work when I wasn’t home and how he’d fallen twice doing that. He understood my point about having someone closer by just in case and agreed not to do yard work while I was gone and agreed to take his cane, emergency inhaler, and phone with him if he did go outside for any reason. Just in case.

He also had a point, even if he didn’t directly articulate it.

It’s been a year as of the beginning of this month that my dad’s health problems began. It’s been a roller coaster of bad, badder, better, but I’m still acting like he’s at his worst. I’m still anticipating the shit to hit the fan at any moment. Going to this gig made me realize that even though I know things are grooving along pretty well, I’m still living in the moment of 3am wake ups for 911 calls, of ER visits and hospitalizations, of endless problem solving for pain and breathing problems. Things are better, but I haven’t stopped being ready.

I’ve said before that I didn’t think I’d fully processed everything that had been happening in my world since October 1st of 2024 and that weekend really slapped me in the face with it. I’ve been wading in the trauma for so long that I don’t even realize my shoes are wet anymore. It’s become my normal.

It’s not a good normal.

There’s nothing wrong with being prepared and being cautious, but being in a constant red alert is no way to live.

Think I better get around to processing and find a way to unclinch.

We both deserve better than this stress.

Chemo Tuesdays

As I wrote about in my catch-up post, my dad is undergoing chemo treatment for lung cancer. What started as a six hour infusion every three weeks became a weekly three hour infusion because the man couldn’t stay out of the hospital. So far, it’s worked. He’s been getting his chemo in and he hasn’t been back to the hospital (knock all of the available wood and then some).

His very first chemo treatment back in December was on a Thursday. After two hospital stays in quick succession at the end of the month (the first for anxiety, the second for the flu which he got while in the hospital for anxiety) threw off his chemo schedule, he got back on the cancer treatment horse in January, this time on a Tuesday. He made two chemo appointments in a row (January and early February) before he fell off the wagon, landing in the hospital at the end of February with pneumonia.

Once he got sprung, his oncologist made the call to switch to weekly treatments. Since March, I’ve been taking him to his chemo treatments every Tuesday morning, three weeks on, one week off, but that off week is a check in appointment with the oncology NP to make sure he’s doing okay.

So, every Tuesday since the beginning of March, we’ve been making a thirty-five minute drive to the oncology/hematology office. We park in the tricky, too small lot with the entrance that desperately needs to be graded. I go to the bathroom as soon as we get here because I’m over 40 and my morning blood pressure medicine has a water pill in it. We see the same receptionists, the same phlebotomists, the same nurses, the same patients.

This has become our routine.

It’s a lot of people’s routine. As I said, we see a lot of familiar faces on Tuesday. It seems most people like to keep a routine, too. Not all of them end up back in the treatment room, and Dad is usually too busy coloring to pay much attention to the other patients, but he’s come to recognize a few of them when he sees them.

Camping out in the waiting room, though, I’ve become very familiar with many of the patients as well as the ebb and flow of the Tuesday schedule.

Tuesdays are the clinic’s busiest day. The morning is particularly busy. The word “bustling” was made for the waiting room on a Tuesday morning. Patients are checking in, getting their blood work done, getting their vitals taken, going to their appointments, getting their treatments. Some days there’s a real ocean feel to the waiting room, the crowd swelling and the chairs filling, and then receding as patients are taken care of. The tide goes out around eleven and the pace slows over the lunchtime hour and for the rest of the afternoon.

I’ve come to expect the faces of certain people in this sea. Amber and her boyfriend. Miss Stephanie and her son. Miss Shirley and her son. Miss Fay. Anita. Wayne and his wife. Janet and her granddaughter. Diane and Lisa, two long-haulers who’ve become good friends, joined by their disease. I can see how this happens. You see the same faces every week. For a bunch of sick people, everyone is friendly, typically in a good mood. So, you say hello, get to chatting, and the next thing you know, you’re friends for life. I imagine that it helps to see a familiar face when you’re going through something as difficult as an extended cancer treatment. You might not look forward to the chemo (or more accurately, the after effects), but you’re more motivated to make your appointment when you know a friend is waiting for you.

The staff have a great handle on this. Even if you don’t have a chemo buddy, you’re going to see some familiar, friendly faces that are going to make your day easier. Going weekly, Dad has quickly become a favorite person to some of the staff. He has a way of being endearing when he’s giving you shit.

There’s the unfamiliar faces, too. The new people filling out their induction paperwork, looking nervously around the waiting room, trying to adjust to their new health circumstances and getting the vibe. I want to tell them that they’re in good hands. That if they’re in here often enough, long enough, these faces are going to become familiar. They might even make a friend to help get them through.

My favorite part of Chemo Tuesdays (if you can have a favorite part) is the visits from the therapy dogs. Andrea brings Alfred and Ernie in to get pets from the patients and anyone in the waiting room. Ernie and I have become good friends because I’ve ended up seeing him the most. A third dog, Fritz, is going to be joining the rotation, but I’m not sure I’ll get to meet him.

This week is Dad’s last chemo treatment on the schedule. He’ll get a PET scan and then we’ll go from there.

I really hope that the cancer is dead, done, and dealt with. I hope this is our last Chemo Tuesday.

But a little part of me will also miss the Tuesday waiting room crowd.

Especially the dogs.

Hey, Man, Let Me Catch You Up

I’m not one of those people who puts everything on the internet. Hell, I’m not one of those people that puts everything out in my meat space. I have been conditioned to only discuss my existence in the most general of terms because no one really has the attention span for much more. It doesn’t occur to me to say more, even when I probably should say more.

So here’s what I haven’t been saying since October 1st of 2024.

From October 1st until December 31st, between my dad and my roommate Carrie, there were-

  • 10 ER visits
  • 5 hospitalizations
  • 3 911 calls
  • 2 surgeries
  • 1 death

During this time period my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer (good prognosis with treatment), congestive heart failure, and COPD; I lost count of all of the doctor’s appointments; a long time bestie was also diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastectomy, and had new boobs planted (good prognosis there, too); and my dad’s first chemo treatment happened just days after Carrie died. I also had my own visit to the doctor for a med check and was given a second blood pressure medicine because the only other alternative was to lower my stress, and baby, that ain’t happening. There’s probably a bunch of other stuff that happened during that time, but I can’t immediately recall it.

Since this time period, there’s been another hospitalization, a change in my dad’s chemo schedule from every three weeks to weekly, and I don’t know how many medication changes.

In the past month, I’ve played catch up with a couple of people I haven’t talked to for a while. They asked me what’s been going on in my life, and I honestly didn’t know how to answer that question. How do you answer that question when a great bit of your life for the past 8 or 9 months has been this? It’s not the cheery catch up people expect, that’s for sure. When I have talked about it, the people on the receiving end have been kind and empathetic and supportive. I’ve received many offers of help if I need it, which I appreciate, even though I’ll never let myself accept it. But I haven’t talked about it much because I struggle with exactly what to say.

I also kinda don’t want to talk about it. Standing hips deep in the swamp, I’d rather not discuss it, I guess. While I’m getting better about talking about what’s going on with my dad, I’m still not ready to talk about Carrie’s death.

People talk about processing things. I honestly have no idea what that means or how to do it. Right now I’m just going from one thing to the next. One appointment to the next. One task to the next. One responsibility to the next. I’m in the now, experiencing things as they happen, and dealing with them as they come. I have no idea what to do beyond that, but I guess I’ll figure it out. At this point, I’m kinda hoping I’m processing as I go and don’t realize it.

I’m still working on how to condense all of this into an easily digestible, quick answer for the next time I have to catch someone up.

Maybe I can just direct them to this post.