Chemo Tuesdays

As I wrote about in my catch-up post, my dad is undergoing chemo treatment for lung cancer. What started as a six hour infusion every three weeks became a weekly three hour infusion because the man couldn’t stay out of the hospital. So far, it’s worked. He’s been getting his chemo in and he hasn’t been back to the hospital (knock all of the available wood and then some).

His very first chemo treatment back in December was on a Thursday. After two hospital stays in quick succession at the end of the month (the first for anxiety, the second for the flu which he got while in the hospital for anxiety) threw off his chemo schedule, he got back on the cancer treatment horse in January, this time on a Tuesday. He made two chemo appointments in a row (January and early February) before he fell off the wagon, landing in the hospital at the end of February with pneumonia.

Once he got sprung, his oncologist made the call to switch to weekly treatments. Since March, I’ve been taking him to his chemo treatments every Tuesday morning, three weeks on, one week off, but that off week is a check in appointment with the oncology NP to make sure he’s doing okay.

So, every Tuesday since the beginning of March, we’ve been making a thirty-five minute drive to the oncology/hematology office. We park in the tricky, too small lot with the entrance that desperately needs to be graded. I go to the bathroom as soon as we get here because I’m over 40 and my morning blood pressure medicine has a water pill in it. We see the same receptionists, the same phlebotomists, the same nurses, the same patients.

This has become our routine.

It’s a lot of people’s routine. As I said, we see a lot of familiar faces on Tuesday. It seems most people like to keep a routine, too. Not all of them end up back in the treatment room, and Dad is usually too busy coloring to pay much attention to the other patients, but he’s come to recognize a few of them when he sees them.

Camping out in the waiting room, though, I’ve become very familiar with many of the patients as well as the ebb and flow of the Tuesday schedule.

Tuesdays are the clinic’s busiest day. The morning is particularly busy. The word “bustling” was made for the waiting room on a Tuesday morning. Patients are checking in, getting their blood work done, getting their vitals taken, going to their appointments, getting their treatments. Some days there’s a real ocean feel to the waiting room, the crowd swelling and the chairs filling, and then receding as patients are taken care of. The tide goes out around eleven and the pace slows over the lunchtime hour and for the rest of the afternoon.

I’ve come to expect the faces of certain people in this sea. Amber and her boyfriend. Miss Stephanie and her son. Miss Shirley and her son. Miss Fay. Anita. Wayne and his wife. Janet and her granddaughter. Diane and Lisa, two long-haulers who’ve become good friends, joined by their disease. I can see how this happens. You see the same faces every week. For a bunch of sick people, everyone is friendly, typically in a good mood. So, you say hello, get to chatting, and the next thing you know, you’re friends for life. I imagine that it helps to see a familiar face when you’re going through something as difficult as an extended cancer treatment. You might not look forward to the chemo (or more accurately, the after effects), but you’re more motivated to make your appointment when you know a friend is waiting for you.

The staff have a great handle on this. Even if you don’t have a chemo buddy, you’re going to see some familiar, friendly faces that are going to make your day easier. Going weekly, Dad has quickly become a favorite person to some of the staff. He has a way of being endearing when he’s giving you shit.

There’s the unfamiliar faces, too. The new people filling out their induction paperwork, looking nervously around the waiting room, trying to adjust to their new health circumstances and getting the vibe. I want to tell them that they’re in good hands. That if they’re in here often enough, long enough, these faces are going to become familiar. They might even make a friend to help get them through.

My favorite part of Chemo Tuesdays (if you can have a favorite part) is the visits from the therapy dogs. Andrea brings Alfred and Ernie in to get pets from the patients and anyone in the waiting room. Ernie and I have become good friends because I’ve ended up seeing him the most. A third dog, Fritz, is going to be joining the rotation, but I’m not sure I’ll get to meet him.

This week is Dad’s last chemo treatment on the schedule. He’ll get a PET scan and then we’ll go from there.

I really hope that the cancer is dead, done, and dealt with. I hope this is our last Chemo Tuesday.

But a little part of me will also miss the Tuesday waiting room crowd.

Especially the dogs.

Writing Confidence (I Don’t Have Any Lately)

There was a time in my writing life when I thought I was pretty hot shit.

Okay, maybe that’s something of an exaggeration. I’ve never quite been so keen on myself. But there was definitely a good stretch where I felt solidly competent in my writing work.

I miss those days.

I think that stretch I spent in which writing was hard did more damage than I’d like to admit. When I was writing easy and often, I felt good about what I was putting onto paper. I felt like it was worth reading, even if not too many people wanted to read it.

When I hit that skid, though, I tripped harder than I thought. I’ve recovered when it comes to ideas and the writing being easier, but I think I lost some confidence along the way. I have no real faith in anything I’ve been writing lately. It’s not that I don’t like it or that I don’t enjoy the process, but once that draft is done, I’m at a loss. As much as I enjoy what I wrote, I don’t think it’s good enough for anyone else to enjoy.

Rejection is a natural part of writing, and there was a time when I was getting rejected regularly because I was submitting regularly. When I hit that dry period, the submitting also hit drought mode. When it came time to get back in the game, I found that I really had no game left. Not for lack of trying, either. I subscribed to my writing magazines again, started trolling for places to submit, even submitted a few things, but for the most part, I’ve felt out of my element. I lost my mojo, and I lost my place.

It’s a little bit demoralizing to be honest.

I’ve been working on the novel length version of Stateline for months now, unable to make a whole lot of progress quickly due to the current stress test that is my life. As I’ve progressed through the story, I realize that it’s not exactly what I envisioned, but then again, I’m not entirely surprised by that because I didn’t exactly do the greatest outlining/planning. I jotted down my main beats, but there were a lot of words that needed to fill in the blank spaces between those beats. This isn’t unfamiliar territory for me. I’ve done this before. And there have been moments where I’ve really enjoyed the story I’ve been writing. A line here, a turn of phrase there, a conversation, an interaction. I’m having a good time writing this story even if it is meandering and destined to be in need of much revising.

But too much of it strikes me as a regression of my craft. There are times when I’m writing it that I wonder why I’m writing it because I’ve clearly lost some of my skill. I used to think that writing poetry would help to keep my prose sharp, but it seems like this blade is forever dull.

I keep thinking that I’ll get my confidence back as I go along. After all, I’m going to keep writing. That’s not going to stop.

I guess I don’t know what this means right now.

Look at that. I don’t even have confidence in this blog post.

Hey, Man, Let Me Catch You Up

I’m not one of those people who puts everything on the internet. Hell, I’m not one of those people that puts everything out in my meat space. I have been conditioned to only discuss my existence in the most general of terms because no one really has the attention span for much more. It doesn’t occur to me to say more, even when I probably should say more.

So here’s what I haven’t been saying since October 1st of 2024.

From October 1st until December 31st, between my dad and my roommate Carrie, there were-

  • 10 ER visits
  • 5 hospitalizations
  • 3 911 calls
  • 2 surgeries
  • 1 death

During this time period my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer (good prognosis with treatment), congestive heart failure, and COPD; I lost count of all of the doctor’s appointments; a long time bestie was also diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastectomy, and had new boobs planted (good prognosis there, too); and my dad’s first chemo treatment happened just days after Carrie died. I also had my own visit to the doctor for a med check and was given a second blood pressure medicine because the only other alternative was to lower my stress, and baby, that ain’t happening. There’s probably a bunch of other stuff that happened during that time, but I can’t immediately recall it.

Since this time period, there’s been another hospitalization, a change in my dad’s chemo schedule from every three weeks to weekly, and I don’t know how many medication changes.

In the past month, I’ve played catch up with a couple of people I haven’t talked to for a while. They asked me what’s been going on in my life, and I honestly didn’t know how to answer that question. How do you answer that question when a great bit of your life for the past 8 or 9 months has been this? It’s not the cheery catch up people expect, that’s for sure. When I have talked about it, the people on the receiving end have been kind and empathetic and supportive. I’ve received many offers of help if I need it, which I appreciate, even though I’ll never let myself accept it. But I haven’t talked about it much because I struggle with exactly what to say.

I also kinda don’t want to talk about it. Standing hips deep in the swamp, I’d rather not discuss it, I guess. While I’m getting better about talking about what’s going on with my dad, I’m still not ready to talk about Carrie’s death.

People talk about processing things. I honestly have no idea what that means or how to do it. Right now I’m just going from one thing to the next. One appointment to the next. One task to the next. One responsibility to the next. I’m in the now, experiencing things as they happen, and dealing with them as they come. I have no idea what to do beyond that, but I guess I’ll figure it out. At this point, I’m kinda hoping I’m processing as I go and don’t realize it.

I’m still working on how to condense all of this into an easily digestible, quick answer for the next time I have to catch someone up.

Maybe I can just direct them to this post.

Poem–“Mating Ritual”

It’s the last day of National Poetry Month! You made it! The torture is over!

With this last poem.

The final poem featured from the November Poem-a-Day Challenge comes from the theme Disguise. I admit to playing fast and loose with this theme, but you have to admit that my free verse isn’t wrong.

Mating Ritual

I pluck hairs
from my face
to hide that
I’m a mammal.
Men don’t date
within their species.

Poem–“Frayed”

We’re almost through National Poetry Month. You guys are such sports.

The theme of this poem from the November Poem-a-Day Challenge was Nerves. A fitting theme at the time because my nerves were, well, frayed.

This poetic form is called a nonce. It’s a poetic form created by a poet for one time use. The rules of this particular nonce is three words a line and nine lines for the poem. Easy peasy.

Frayed

going too fast
on black roads
shiny and wet
glaring like ice
hit the brakes
expect to slide
hope to stop
before I skid
thru the light

Poem–“Careless Syllables”

Good news! You’re half-way through National Poetry Month and my poetic torture. Our half-way point poem from the November Poem-a-Day Challenge features the theme…Poetic Form. Write a poem in a poetic form. Hey! I’ve been studying for this one for months!

Many of the poems I wrote during November were done using scraps of ideas that I’d jotted down. This is one of them. I just crammed that idea into a tricube.

Careless Syllables

I’ve said things
that dug scars
in soft skin

used too much
teeth on a
tender spot

but for me
it was just
a Tuesday

Poem–“Rube Goldberg Revisited”

National Poetry Month torture continues with our second poem of the month, which was written on the 22nd day of the November Poem-a-Day challenge. The theme for that day was Machine, so I wrote about the kind of machine I could really use.

This poem is a stornello, which has fast become a favorite form. I have no idea why I like everything lower case in my stornellos, but we’re just going to flow with it.

Rube Goldberg Revisited

i need a machine to make my life easy
the difficulty level makes me queasy
a fan-like device should make it all breezy

Poem–“Hot Flashes”

I regret to inform you that it is once again April, and April means National Poetry Month.

This year’s selections all come from the Writer’s Digest November Poem-a-Day challenge. Every day in November, participants were given a theme and best wishes to write a poem. Eleven of the poems I wrote that month were put into a chapbook at the end of the challenge and submitted for funsies. That leaves nineteen poems with nothing better to do.

Let’s get started, shall we?

The first poem of the month features the theme Fire/Ice, and it’s written in my default free verse.

I’m easing you in, kiddos.

Hot Flashes

ice in my veins
fire on my skin
freezing hot
burning cold
maybe it’s love
maybe it’s menopause

Sorry, That’s Not My Problem–Religious Edition

Earlier this month I had a patron complain that we held a Meet the Candidates event for the mayoral candidates on Ash Wednesday, and with all due respect (and the respect due him was none because he opted to be a jackass in his complaint), that’s not my problem. Your religious observances are none of my concern.

Your religion is not my problem.

I feel like of all of the public-related things that are not my problem, this is the hardest one for people to fathom. Let me assure you that I respect the existence of your religion, I respect your right to your religion, I respect the requirements, restrictions, and obligations placed upon you by your religion. HOWEVER. Those requirements, restrictions, and obligations are not my problem. They do not apply to me. I am not of your religion.

For example, Judaism, Islam, and some Christian denominations prohibit the eating of pork. I respect that. I would never insist or trick those people into eating pork, and if I were feeding them, I would be mindful that whatever meal I was serving was either pork-free or had pork-free options. However, I’m still gonna eat me some pig. That restriction doesn’t apply to me. I do not belong to any of these faiths.

Like my complainer above. Ash Wednesday is his responsibility, not mine, and not the library’s.

I think it’s the Christians that tend to struggle with this concept the most. Capitalism co-opted a couple of their holidays (Christmas and Easter) to make some bank and now they have it in their heads that their religion should be exclusively catered to. Being the most popular religion in the US doesn’t help their egos, either. If anything, it only encourages them to scream persecution if they don’t get their way.

I’m not persecuting them. I’m not discriminating against them. I’m just not one of them. Their religion is not my problem.

But it seems to be the Christians that work the hardest to make their religion my problem. The “this is a Christian nation” crowd. The “bring back prayer in schools” crowd. The “my religion is the only religion and my god is the only god” crowd. They are fascinating in their disrespect as they swing Bible verses like cudgels to defend their own abhorrent behavior while claiming to love everyone in the name of Jesus. The expect everyone to honor their religion while dismissing and denigrating anyone else’s -or their lack thereof.

It’s just happenstance that Christianity became a major religion. In another timeline, they’d all be beating their Quarans instead of their Bibles, quoting the Islamic prophets instead of the Christian ones. “No, we wouldn’t!” Oh, but, you would. For those people, religion isn’t about faith or spirituality; it’s about power. It’s about their ability to control other people.

That’s the problem we have now. People using their God as justification for control. “The Bible says…” The Bible says a lot of things. The Bible says a lot of contradictory things. The Bible says a lot of things that they ignore for their own convenience (helping the poor, plucking your eyes out, do unto others, false idols, etc.). Ultimately, the Bible says a lot of things that ain’t got shit to do with me because I’m not a Christian. That’s not my handbook.

Your religion isn’t my problem.

Stop trying to make it one.

What Is My Writing Endgame Now?

I feel like it’s important as a creative to check in on myself and my creative goals beyond just what projects I’m working on and what deadlines I need to meet. I’m thinking of the big picture, the reason for my creative existence, as it were.

Basically, what the fuck is the point?

My answer to this question has changed. When I first started pursuing a serious writing career in my late 20s, the goal was getting published. Getting published enough would translate to a stable, successful writing career. That was the endgame. Having a writing career and supporting myself with my writing.

The means changed in the ensuing years, utilizing self-publishing and Patreon as a means of making money and establishing a fanbase that would hopefully help me gain more traditional publishing opportunities. But the endgame remained the same. Have a writing career and support myself with my writing.

At some point, though, the endgame changed. Sort of.

As much as I would love to have a writing career and support myself with my writing, it’s become evident in the last few years that this goal is no longer attainable. Even if the world wasn’t currently on fire, traditional publishing has changed enough that lowlifes like me don’t have a chance of making a career of it. Publishers are more invested in their own profits than their authors, looking mostly for writers that already have an established large following online that will translate to guaranteed sales and justify their shrinking commitment to marketing and promotion.

In short, I will never be popular enough to get published by any of the big, traditional publishers or their imprints. That makes me a much less profitable client to take on as an agent, which means I’m much less likely to land one.

This is already a hard business to break into and I have handicapped myself tremendously by my inability to be popular and, I think, by my lack of education. Every author giving advice in the pages of Writer’s Digest has an MFA. I don’t even have a college degree. There is the also not small issue of me not writing stories that people want to read. Even if I had everything else, my brain doesn’t produces the tales the masses want to consume.

And right now, I’m not even really that interested in writing those stories. I am working on Stateline, of course, but I haven’t been inspired to write a short story in months. I’m more invested in writing poetry at the moment, and that’s an even harder sell. As much as I love writing it and as much as I enjoy reading it, I lack what it takes to be truly good at it.

So what is my writing endgame now?

Honestly, I’m not really sure. The dream of supporting myself with my writing remains in the back of my mind, but right now, the writing is more for myself and for the small group of readers who’ve been enjoying my work. Right now I’m content with doing what I’m doing.

I know it’s not the endgame, but for now, it’s enough.