Writing Confidence (I Don’t Have Any Lately)

~ Kiki Writes ~ 2 Comments

There was a time in my writing life when I thought I was pretty hot shit.

Okay, maybe that’s something of an exaggeration. I’ve never quite been so keen on myself. But there was definitely a good stretch where I felt solidly competent in my writing work.

I miss those days.

I think that stretch I spent in which writing was hard did more damage than I’d like to admit. When I was writing easy and often, I felt good about what I was putting onto paper. I felt like it was worth reading, even if not too many people wanted to read it.

When I hit that skid, though, I tripped harder than I thought. I’ve recovered when it comes to ideas and the writing being easier, but I think I lost some confidence along the way. I have no real faith in anything I’ve been writing lately. It’s not that I don’t like it or that I don’t enjoy the process, but once that draft is done, I’m at a loss. As much as I enjoy what I wrote, I don’t think it’s good enough for anyone else to enjoy.

Rejection is a natural part of writing, and there was a time when I was getting rejected regularly because I was submitting regularly. When I hit that dry period, the submitting also hit drought mode. When it came time to get back in the game, I found that I really had no game left. Not for lack of trying, either. I subscribed to my writing magazines again, started trolling for places to submit, even submitted a few things, but for the most part, I’ve felt out of my element. I lost my mojo, and I lost my place.

It’s a little bit demoralizing to be honest.

I’ve been working on the novel length version of Stateline for months now, unable to make a whole lot of progress quickly due to the current stress test that is my life. As I’ve progressed through the story, I realize that it’s not exactly what I envisioned, but then again, I’m not entirely surprised by that because I didn’t exactly do the greatest outlining/planning. I jotted down my main beats, but there were a lot of words that needed to fill in the blank spaces between those beats. This isn’t unfamiliar territory for me. I’ve done this before. And there have been moments where I’ve really enjoyed the story I’ve been writing. A line here, a turn of phrase there, a conversation, an interaction. I’m having a good time writing this story even if it is meandering and destined to be in need of much revising.

But too much of it strikes me as a regression of my craft. There are times when I’m writing it that I wonder why I’m writing it because I’ve clearly lost some of my skill. I used to think that writing poetry would help to keep my prose sharp, but it seems like this blade is forever dull.

I keep thinking that I’ll get my confidence back as I go along. After all, I’m going to keep writing. That’s not going to stop.

I guess I don’t know what this means right now.

Look at that. I don’t even have confidence in this blog post.

Hey, Man, Let Me Catch You Up

~ Kiki Writes ~ 4 Comments

I’m not one of those people who puts everything on the internet. Hell, I’m not one of those people that puts everything out in my meat space. I have been conditioned to only discuss my existence in the most general of terms because no one really has the attention span for much more. It doesn’t occur to me to say more, even when I probably should say more.

So here’s what I haven’t been saying since October 1st of 2024.

From October 1st until December 31st, between my dad and my roommate Carrie, there were-

  • 10 ER visits
  • 5 hospitalizations
  • 3 911 calls
  • 2 surgeries
  • 1 death

During this time period my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer (good prognosis with treatment), congestive heart failure, and COPD; I lost count of all of the doctor’s appointments; a long time bestie was also diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastectomy, and had new boobs planted (good prognosis there, too); and my dad’s first chemo treatment happened just days after Carrie died. I also had my own visit to the doctor for a med check and was given a second blood pressure medicine because the only other alternative was to lower my stress, and baby, that ain’t happening. There’s probably a bunch of other stuff that happened during that time, but I can’t immediately recall it.

Since this time period, there’s been another hospitalization, a change in my dad’s chemo schedule from every three weeks to weekly, and I don’t know how many medication changes.

In the past month, I’ve played catch up with a couple of people I haven’t talked to for a while. They asked me what’s been going on in my life, and I honestly didn’t know how to answer that question. How do you answer that question when a great bit of your life for the past 8 or 9 months has been this? It’s not the cheery catch up people expect, that’s for sure. When I have talked about it, the people on the receiving end have been kind and empathetic and supportive. I’ve received many offers of help if I need it, which I appreciate, even though I’ll never let myself accept it. But I haven’t talked about it much because I struggle with exactly what to say.

I also kinda don’t want to talk about it. Standing hips deep in the swamp, I’d rather not discuss it, I guess. While I’m getting better about talking about what’s going on with my dad, I’m still not ready to talk about Carrie’s death.

People talk about processing things. I honestly have no idea what that means or how to do it. Right now I’m just going from one thing to the next. One appointment to the next. One task to the next. One responsibility to the next. I’m in the now, experiencing things as they happen, and dealing with them as they come. I have no idea what to do beyond that, but I guess I’ll figure it out. At this point, I’m kinda hoping I’m processing as I go and don’t realize it.

I’m still working on how to condense all of this into an easily digestible, quick answer for the next time I have to catch someone up.

Maybe I can just direct them to this post.

Poem–“Mating Ritual”

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

It’s the last day of National Poetry Month! You made it! The torture is over!

With this last poem.

The final poem featured from the November Poem-a-Day Challenge comes from the theme Disguise. I admit to playing fast and loose with this theme, but you have to admit that my free verse isn’t wrong.

Mating Ritual

I pluck hairs
from my face
to hide that
I’m a mammal.
Men don’t date
within their species.

Poem–“Frayed”

~ Kiki Writes ~ 2 Comments

We’re almost through National Poetry Month. You guys are such sports.

The theme of this poem from the November Poem-a-Day Challenge was Nerves. A fitting theme at the time because my nerves were, well, frayed.

This poetic form is called a nonce. It’s a poetic form created by a poet for one time use. The rules of this particular nonce is three words a line and nine lines for the poem. Easy peasy.

Frayed

going too fast
on black roads
shiny and wet
glaring like ice
hit the brakes
expect to slide
hope to stop
before I skid
thru the light

Poem–“Careless Syllables”

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Good news! You’re half-way through National Poetry Month and my poetic torture. Our half-way point poem from the November Poem-a-Day Challenge features the theme…Poetic Form. Write a poem in a poetic form. Hey! I’ve been studying for this one for months!

Many of the poems I wrote during November were done using scraps of ideas that I’d jotted down. This is one of them. I just crammed that idea into a tricube.

Careless Syllables

I’ve said things
that dug scars
in soft skin

used too much
teeth on a
tender spot

but for me
it was just
a Tuesday

Poem–“Rube Goldberg Revisited”

~ Kiki Writes ~ 2 Comments

National Poetry Month torture continues with our second poem of the month, which was written on the 22nd day of the November Poem-a-Day challenge. The theme for that day was Machine, so I wrote about the kind of machine I could really use.

This poem is a stornello, which has fast become a favorite form. I have no idea why I like everything lower case in my stornellos, but we’re just going to flow with it.

Rube Goldberg Revisited

i need a machine to make my life easy
the difficulty level makes me queasy
a fan-like device should make it all breezy

Poem–“Hot Flashes”

~ Kiki Writes ~ 2 Comments

I regret to inform you that it is once again April, and April means National Poetry Month.

This year’s selections all come from the Writer’s Digest November Poem-a-Day challenge. Every day in November, participants were given a theme and best wishes to write a poem. Eleven of the poems I wrote that month were put into a chapbook at the end of the challenge and submitted for funsies. That leaves nineteen poems with nothing better to do.

Let’s get started, shall we?

The first poem of the month features the theme Fire/Ice, and it’s written in my default free verse.

I’m easing you in, kiddos.

Hot Flashes

ice in my veins
fire on my skin
freezing hot
burning cold
maybe it’s love
maybe it’s menopause

Sorry, That’s Not My Problem–Religious Edition

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Earlier this month I had a patron complain that we held a Meet the Candidates event for the mayoral candidates on Ash Wednesday, and with all due respect (and the respect due him was none because he opted to be a jackass in his complaint), that’s not my problem. Your religious observances are none of my concern.

Your religion is not my problem.

I feel like of all of the public-related things that are not my problem, this is the hardest one for people to fathom. Let me assure you that I respect the existence of your religion, I respect your right to your religion, I respect the requirements, restrictions, and obligations placed upon you by your religion. HOWEVER. Those requirements, restrictions, and obligations are not my problem. They do not apply to me. I am not of your religion.

For example, Judaism, Islam, and some Christian denominations prohibit the eating of pork. I respect that. I would never insist or trick those people into eating pork, and if I were feeding them, I would be mindful that whatever meal I was serving was either pork-free or had pork-free options. However, I’m still gonna eat me some pig. That restriction doesn’t apply to me. I do not belong to any of these faiths.

Like my complainer above. Ash Wednesday is his responsibility, not mine, and not the library’s.

I think it’s the Christians that tend to struggle with this concept the most. Capitalism co-opted a couple of their holidays (Christmas and Easter) to make some bank and now they have it in their heads that their religion should be exclusively catered to. Being the most popular religion in the US doesn’t help their egos, either. If anything, it only encourages them to scream persecution if they don’t get their way.

I’m not persecuting them. I’m not discriminating against them. I’m just not one of them. Their religion is not my problem.

But it seems to be the Christians that work the hardest to make their religion my problem. The “this is a Christian nation” crowd. The “bring back prayer in schools” crowd. The “my religion is the only religion and my god is the only god” crowd. They are fascinating in their disrespect as they swing Bible verses like cudgels to defend their own abhorrent behavior while claiming to love everyone in the name of Jesus. The expect everyone to honor their religion while dismissing and denigrating anyone else’s -or their lack thereof.

It’s just happenstance that Christianity became a major religion. In another timeline, they’d all be beating their Quarans instead of their Bibles, quoting the Islamic prophets instead of the Christian ones. “No, we wouldn’t!” Oh, but, you would. For those people, religion isn’t about faith or spirituality; it’s about power. It’s about their ability to control other people.

That’s the problem we have now. People using their God as justification for control. “The Bible says…” The Bible says a lot of things. The Bible says a lot of contradictory things. The Bible says a lot of things that they ignore for their own convenience (helping the poor, plucking your eyes out, do unto others, false idols, etc.). Ultimately, the Bible says a lot of things that ain’t got shit to do with me because I’m not a Christian. That’s not my handbook.

Your religion isn’t my problem.

Stop trying to make it one.

What Is My Writing Endgame Now?

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I feel like it’s important as a creative to check in on myself and my creative goals beyond just what projects I’m working on and what deadlines I need to meet. I’m thinking of the big picture, the reason for my creative existence, as it were.

Basically, what the fuck is the point?

My answer to this question has changed. When I first started pursuing a serious writing career in my late 20s, the goal was getting published. Getting published enough would translate to a stable, successful writing career. That was the endgame. Having a writing career and supporting myself with my writing.

The means changed in the ensuing years, utilizing self-publishing and Patreon as a means of making money and establishing a fanbase that would hopefully help me gain more traditional publishing opportunities. But the endgame remained the same. Have a writing career and support myself with my writing.

At some point, though, the endgame changed. Sort of.

As much as I would love to have a writing career and support myself with my writing, it’s become evident in the last few years that this goal is no longer attainable. Even if the world wasn’t currently on fire, traditional publishing has changed enough that lowlifes like me don’t have a chance of making a career of it. Publishers are more invested in their own profits than their authors, looking mostly for writers that already have an established large following online that will translate to guaranteed sales and justify their shrinking commitment to marketing and promotion.

In short, I will never be popular enough to get published by any of the big, traditional publishers or their imprints. That makes me a much less profitable client to take on as an agent, which means I’m much less likely to land one.

This is already a hard business to break into and I have handicapped myself tremendously by my inability to be popular and, I think, by my lack of education. Every author giving advice in the pages of Writer’s Digest has an MFA. I don’t even have a college degree. There is the also not small issue of me not writing stories that people want to read. Even if I had everything else, my brain doesn’t produces the tales the masses want to consume.

And right now, I’m not even really that interested in writing those stories. I am working on Stateline, of course, but I haven’t been inspired to write a short story in months. I’m more invested in writing poetry at the moment, and that’s an even harder sell. As much as I love writing it and as much as I enjoy reading it, I lack what it takes to be truly good at it.

So what is my writing endgame now?

Honestly, I’m not really sure. The dream of supporting myself with my writing remains in the back of my mind, but right now, the writing is more for myself and for the small group of readers who’ve been enjoying my work. Right now I’m content with doing what I’m doing.

I know it’s not the endgame, but for now, it’s enough.

“Your Hair Is So Cute!”

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Help me figure something out here.

Recently, I’ve been getting frequent compliments on my hair. Usually, it’s when I’m at work and the compliments generally come from older women (and by older women, I mean older than me). The exchange is typically along the lines of:

“Your hair so so cute!”

“Thanks!”

“I never know what to ask for when I go to the salon.”

“I cut my own hair.”

“Really? It’s so cute!”

I have had a version of this conversation multiple times over the last few months and I am truly baffled by it. Not that people think my hair is cute because obviously it is. But the frequency with which I’ve been having these very similar conversations with different women is curious.

I’ve had my hair like this for at least a couple of years now (maybe, I dunno, I’m too lazy to really figure it out), and have had occasional compliments on its cuteness, but it’s really picked up lately, and I don’t know why. I haven’t done anything different with it. Sure, my cutting technique has refined and evolved over time and as a result my hairstyle has changed a little, too, but not that much. Certainly not enough to garner an influx of praise, especially recently. I’ve actually fucked it up more in the last few months than I have gotten it right, as it were. Too many times when I cut it lately, I was in a hurry and/or wasn’t mindful about what I was doing.

I have one theory as to what has caused the uptick of compliments and similar conversations, and it is a wild one.

I think it’s because I haven’t colored my hair in months.

I’ve colored my hair a couple of times since I got it cut, but lately I’ve been too lazy and not bored enough to bother. Life has been too demanding as of late for me to want to commit to the upkeep of coloring my hair even if I was in the mood. So, it’s back to my natural medium brown with the coppery tinges and the sparkles of silver. Except I’ve noticed that there’s a lot more of that sparkle than there used to be. A lot more. Thanks aging and stress!

Most of the time I don’t think about how my silver hair is viewed by others. When it comes to my hair, I think of it more as a whole entity, as in “Does my hair look like shit?” I don’t think of how the new abundance of silver might be perceived. It catches my eye in the mirror sometimes, but it doesn’t always show up that well in selfies, so I guess I figured that most people don’t notice it.

But maybe they do. And maybe it just so happens that the silver is what this haircut needs to really shine.

So what do you think? Am I on to something here?

Or am I just looking for meaning where there’s nothing more than a pattern I happen to be noticing?

After all. It’s just hair.