This past Sunday would have been Carrie’s 52nd birthday.
Carrie wasn’t the biggest fan of her birthday because it was a reminder that she was getting older, and she didn’t want to be reminded of that. I suppose she’d like her birthday more now since she’ll never get older.
No doubt there are some people who might think that observation was in poor taste, but she wouldn’t. She’d get what I was saying and she’d agree.
If you thought you missed me saying something about Carrie’s birthday on Sunday, let me assure you that you didn’t. Thanks to social media, I found another way that I’m weird.
It turns out that I don’t like publicly acknowledging the birthdays of those close to me who have passed or their association with certain holidays or the anniversaries of their departures from this mortal plane, the dates they stopped getting older. I know a lot of people do this and it’s perfectly fine and acceptable and I do not begrudge them in the least. I’ve read some very sweet and touching posts in this vein. It’s just not something I want to do. I’m not comfortable grieving publicly. I’m not given to sharing the bitter and the sweet of some memories online.
“But what about this post?!”
I need you to not be pedantic for two seconds, okay? You know what this is. This is me defending my apparent insensitivity because I don’t feel comfortable publicly expressing my grief with memorial posts on social media.
I once joked with Carrie that I wrote “happy birthday” on her Facebook even though we lived in the same house because it doesn’t count unless you say it on social media. Sometimes I feel that way when I see people post sweet things about departed loved ones on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. I feel like people think that I’m not grieving or keeping loved ones in my heart and thoughts if I don’t say it out loud for everyone to like, heart, and care.
This is 100% a perception thing. I certainly don’t think that about other people. But I have a tendency to think the worst of myself, so I believe that everyone else does, too. I’m sure not everyone does. They probably should, but I’m sure they don’t. The most likely scenario is that they don’t think of it at all. It wouldn’t occur to them to judge me like that. I don’t occupy their thoughts the way I occupy mine.
But in case it does cross your mind, in case you do wonder, in case you are inclined to judge, I do mark the birthdays, the holidays, the anniversaries. I just do it quietly, to myself. I dwell on it as long as my heart can take and then I go on with my day.
There is no wrong answer here when it comes to dealing with such complex and complicated feelings. Some people feel better opening up and some people keep it close.
I’ll keep mine (mostly) to myself.
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