I’m forty-five years old. I came out as bisexual at seventeen. I knew from a young age that I was into both men and women.
It’s very easy to assume that my sexuality journey was short, sweet, and to the point. There’s nothing more to learn. Like those concrete heterosexuals, I knew from a young age that I was 50/50 on my bi-ness. Done and dusted.
For some people, that is very true. The journey is more like a trip to the mailbox. Got my info. I’m good to go. And I thought that was what my journey was. I had myself sorted from a young age. I was good to go.
But that’s not quite how it worked out for me.
When it comes to my own bisexuality, I find myself regularly checking in to verify that I’m still bisexual. After all, there’s a lot of messaging from both the queer and straight communities that bisexuality isn’t valid. Maybe I am confused. Maybe I’m pretending to be something I’m not. But every check-in has verified my bisexual identity so far. Sorry, haters.
As I’ve gone through my life, the questioning has continued in light of other people’s journeys intersecting with mine and my continuing education in and from the queer community. Am I attracted to trans people? Am I attracted to non-binary people? What does it mean if I am or if I’m not?
I’ve adjusted my identity a little as result of my answers to these questions. Trans men are men and trans women are women, so they fall in my already determined attraction categories. I’ve also found myself occasionally attracted to people who identify as non-binary, gender fluid, or agender. While I still use the bisexual label, I will also refer to myself as Bi+ or queer. Pansexual might apply, but it doesn’t feel right for me, so I don’t use it.
Recently, I had an epiphany that has once again altered my self-perception a little, a shift within my bisexual identity.
Quick recap: Sexuality is who you are sexually attracted to. Romantic attraction is who you’re romantically attracted to. Sexual attraction and romantic attraction often match up, but not always. In my case, I always thought that they did. I considered myself 50/50 sexually attracted to men and women, and 50/50 romantically attracted to men and women. Bisexual, bi romantic.
Turns out, that’s not entirely accurate.
I am bisexual and I am bi romantic, but it’s not the 50/50 split I always thought it was.
I’m not exactly sure what the process was that led me to this realization. Like I said, it was something of an epiphany. Whatever the case, it occurred to me that I’m actually more sexually attracted to women and I’m more romantically attracted to men.
In retrospect, this is obvious. I knew I was attracted to women before I realized I was attracted to men, yet most of my romantic crushes were on guys. It’s easier for me to find women attractive than it is for me to find men attractive. But when I think about having a partner, I think about that partner being a man more often than I think about them being a woman. Part of that could be latent heteronormative conditioning, but I think it’s more just how my romantic attraction works.
I look forward to exploring this new found understanding of myself.
Another twist on the journey I thought I’d finished.
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