I wasn’t actually going to do this post considering *gestures at literally everything*, but fuck it. World’s on fire. Doesn’t mean I have to burn. I can still catch a vibe.
Actually, this year, I’m looking to set two vibes.
The first vibe is to get healthy. Not lose weight. Get healthy. I could never lose enough weight to be loved in this society, so yeet that idea from your brain pan. This is about getting healthy. This is a mind/body/spirit venture. This involves me correcting bad habits, creating good habits, and hopefully getting rid of the tendonitis that has plagued me. Yes, it will involve taking better care of my soul’s meat vehicle, but it will also involve taking better care of my mental health, the health of my relationships, the health of my environment, the overall health of my life.
This is actually going to be a rather difficult vibe shift for me to achieve because for all of my selfishness (and I am a very selfish person), it does not translate into taking good care of myself. I’ve never been good at it. I have subtle, self-destructive tendencies that have proven hard habits to break. I’m addicted to negative self-talk disguised as being realistic. I have been subsisting on stress and anxiety for decades.
If I do not have patience and tolerance for people doing bad shit to others out in the world, then I can no longer have patience and tolerance for me doing bad shit to me in my existence. That kind of hypocrite behavior isn’t sustainable.
Related to this first vibe is the second vibe I want to set. I’m going to be more authentic. I’m going to be truer to myself. Does this mean I’m doing to be a better person? No. Absolutely the fuck not. At my core, I’m not a good person. Did you miss the part about being selfish? I’m not very thoughtful. Kindness does not come quickly or easily to me. My self-awareness is sometimes profoundly lacking. I struggle to be considerate. I judge like it’s my job and I get paid commission. I’m not gifted at helping others even when I want to or I try to. I have my flaws and defects and I am very aware of them.
However, I’m tired of restricting myself. I no longer want to hold myself back out of fear or perceived lack or possible rejection or inferred weakness. I don’t want happy and angry to be the only emotions I’m allowed to display. Worrying about how I’m perceived and what the neighbors might think has fucking exhausted me.
I want to openly and loudly care about who I care about in my own knobby, awkward way whether they like it or not. I’m not going to cross boundaries or be a doormat, but I’m going to support them and they’re just going to have to deal with it. I want to express unbridled joy and I want to feel my sadness and I want to be nervous in a healthy, excited way. I want to have tears of all kinds and not be ashamed of any of them.
I have been hard for so long. I’m ready to be soft. I’m ready to be authentically squishy. This doesn’t mean that I won’t have boundaries. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to allow someone to cross me or people I care about. Just because I choose to be softer doesn’t mean I’m not fierce and I’m no longer capable of violence. Remember what I said about being authentic. At my core I am a bad person. I will hurt your feelings and I will not feel guilty about it.
I already started leaning into these vibe shifts before the end of 2025. It felt right and I didn’t want to wait.
I don’t need anyone else’s starter pistol to tell me to go.
Kiki Writes About... 