We all have hills we’re willing to die on.
Many hills are serious business. Like, I will die on the hill that everyone deserves food, housing, and healthcare. Full stop. No exceptions. Genocide is bad. Always. Non-negotiable. Trans rights are human rights. Leave those folks -especially the kids- alone. I got no problem identifying as a problem. I’m pro-immigrant. Abolish the boarders. They’re made up property lines anyway. I’m anti-billionaire. They’re a parasitic class that should not exist. I said what I said.
But there are some hills that I’m willing to die on that are the pettiest hills to plant my tombstone on and I will do so with glee. Here are a few.
Stop calling it a manbun. It’s not a manbun. First of all, you’re gendering hair and that’s weird. Why are you being weird? Also, it’s usually not a bun. It’s a topknot. If you’re going to be condescending, then be right. Also, why the fuck do you care? You got some unfun hang ups about performative masculinity or something?
Stop putting raisins in things. Raisins belong in raisin bran and my great-grandma’s raisin cookies and that’s it. Quit putting them in oatmeal cookies, stuffing, mac and cheese. I am looking so hard at you right now, fellow whites. Knock that shit off. This is more obnoxious than trying to turn cauliflower into everything. Leave that ghost broccoli alone while we’re at it.
Stop saying, “They didn’t teach us that in school.” Yes, they did. You weren’t paying attention. If you were in high school with me and you say this about teaching taxes or budgeting or some other life skill, I will personally kick you in the back of the knee. That class was called Consumer Ed. and it was required to graduate. It’s no one else’s fault that you were too busy talking and didn’t learn shit.
Related and this is very specific: Stop saying, “I never use algebra!” Yes, you do. You use it all the time, but you don’t recognize it because it comes in the form of a word problem instead of an equation. You’re still solving for X. Also, all that learning you did in school -whether you use that specific information or not- developed neural pathways in your brain that you use today. Or maybe not because you’re saying stupid shit like you never use algebra.
This last one is controversial, but I’m going to say it anyway. If you are a parent, stop complaining about the kids these days. These little shits aren’t springing from the ground fully formed with an iPad and a grandiose sense of entitlement. If you think kids are better off playing outside without screens, then do that. You’re literally in charge here. This goes for grandparents, too. You should have done a better job, I guess.
These are just a few of my petty hills and I fully acknowledge how petty they are. They literally don’t amount to the beans the hills are made of, but they’re mine and no, I will not change my mind. That’s the point. I’ll die on these petty hills.
Put it on my tombstone.
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