Fashion Advice From a Fat Girl

January 31, 2014January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

You may think that someone of my size couldn’t possibly know anything about fashion, let alone be in the position to give out advice, but let me assure you, I’m quite qualified.

Think about it.

I’m a person that society doesn’t want to even look at it. I’m not supposed to even leave the house and inflict my fat self upon them. But if I have to leave to do things, could I at least cover up in some sort of burka type ensemble so they can just see me as the shapeless blob we all know I am. (This is not a slight on those who wear burkas, by the way; just the only example of head-to-toe clothing I could think of at the moment.)

The fashion rules aren’t written for a person of my size.

But since the fashion “rules” are a made-up, bullshit concept to begin with, don’t you think you should be taking advice from someone who makes up her own? Damn skippy.

Lucky for you, I only have two rules to follow.

Rule #1-Dress for yourself

To head off any “buts” right at the beginning, I understand that sometimes you will want to dress for a partner or to attract the attention of a certain someone. Wearing your husband’s favorite outfit or wearing a shirt you look dynamite in to attract the attention of a cute girl is fine. So long as you are also dressing for yourself.

What I mean by that is wearing what you want to wear. That’s it. You feel more confident in clothes that you like, that you’re comfortable in, that you want to be sporting. And because you’re rocking out your way, you automatically look better than you would if you tried to wear stuff that society’s fashion rules tell you to wear.

When I was in my early twenties, I wore purple lipstick, pro-wrestling t-shirts over prom dresses, combat boots, had my eyebrows pierced, and colored my hair all sorts of colors. People said I did it to get attention and didn’t believe me when I said that I didn’t. No doubt I attracted attention. When you look like that, people notice. But I looked that way because that’s the way I wanted to look. I thought I looked good like that. It was the look I wanted to rock.

The picture at the top of the post? That’s what I look like today, right now, as I’m typing (okay, not as I’m typing as it is obviously a bathroom selfie, but you get the point). I’m wearing a bright red and orange flannel over a black cami, dark wash bootcut jeans, and combat boots (I love combat boots; it is a pure love). Yesterday I wore a blue cableknit poncho over a white longsleeved t-shirt (both of which my youngest niece picked out for me for Christmas).

I will wear skinny jeans. I will wear boots with my denim pencil skirt and tights. I will wear a bright purple scarf with my olive shirt dress. I will wear red owl socks with my gray owl sweater over a blue buttoned down shirt.

I wear it because I like it and that’s what I want to wear that day. I dress for myself.

Rule #2- Wear clothes that fit

I cannot stress this rule enough because it’s very important.

I’m not just talking about clothes that are too tight either. Honestly, I don’t know how that’s comfortable for anyone when their t-shirts are constricting movement and their pants are cutting off their circulation. This isn’t just for the big folks either. Just because you’re skinny doesn’t mean you get a free pass to look like you’ve swaddled yourself in a boa constrictor going in for the kill.

On the flip side, don’t wear clothes that are too big. I realize, particularly for big girls, people do this to hide their bodies because society has shamed them for their size. Well, let me put this in bold print and all caps: YOU ARE FOOLING NO ONE. You can throw a circus tent over an elephant, but baby, there’s still an elephant in that tent and everybody knows it.

Clothing should fit. Even if you’re just doing a t-shirt and jeans, they should FIT.

The ass of your jeans shouldn’t be sagging, they shouldn’t be dragging the ground, you shouldn’t be hiking them up all the time. They shouldn’t be so tight that you can’t sit down without unbuttoning them, that every ounce of fat from below the waist is spilling out over the top because it has no place else to go. You shouldn’t be in danger of your skirt falling down or hiking up.

Your shirt shouldn’t be so tight that it’s a twenty minute wrestling match to get it on and then you spend the rest of the day pulling it down. It shouldn’t be so big that a family of four could camp in it either.

Think skim. Your clothing should skim your body. Loose enough to be comfortable, but tight enough so you don’t look like a slob. Even if you’re slumming it in a ratty t-shirt and jeans that have more holes than a prairie dog village and stains from unidentified sources on them, you automatically look less like a lazy, dirty grub if they fit.

So if you weight 300 pounds and want to rock a belly shirt, by all means, do so, just make sure that shirt is the right size. Jeans, too. A good bra is also a must, but that’s another post (it’s a Holy Grail quest, fellas). All about the booty shorts? Terrific. Make sure that those booty shorts aren’t so tight that they’re squeezing the booty out of the top.

Remember the rules.

And don’t let anyone shame you for what you wear.

Those folks should be ashamed for being such assholes in the first place.

Sewing Back to the Beginning

January 27, 2014January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

When I first started my attempts at sewing by hand, I made pillows. They seemed like the easiest things to do. Sandwich two square pieces of fabric together, fold over the edges to hide the roughness, sew three sides, stuff it, sew the last side. Simple. It was actually a great way for me to hone my sewing skills.

The very first pillow I made was as a present for a friend. I’ve probably made at least fifteen or twenty since then. Most of them were white with a picture on the front (I used t-shirt transfers, printing out pictures on them and then ironing them on to the white fabric) with handkerchiefs as the backing. The way I folded them over made for a nice border. They were my thing for a long time.

As you may remember, my mother asked for kitty curtains and coasters made out of a particular fabric for Christmas. I fulfilled her request, but was left with a bunch of extra fabric. I asked her what she wanted me to do with it. She told me she’d like a pillow for the school room.

And so I went back to my sewing beginnings.

The pillow I made for the school room (it sits in my chair at the desk) was made basically like the ones I used to make back in the day. I sandwiched the two pieces of the leftover fabric together, folded the sides, sewed, stuffed, sewed.

Unlike my decorative pillows of yore, I didn’t want this one to be too stuffed. First of all, I didn’t have enough stuffing to stuff it that full anyway. Second of all, it was going to spend most of it’s time in a chair. It needed to me a little more squishy and malleable. Plus, it’s longer than any of the other pillows I did. I didn’t want a log.

It probably could have used a bit more stuffing, but I’m pretty pleased with it. Works well for my chair.

Not bad for my first pillow in years.

Turning 34

January 13, 2014January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I turned 34 yesterday and I’m not exactly thrilled with it (not to be confused with the actual birthday part, in which I enjoyed myself very much).

It’s not the getting older part that I don’t like. I prefer that to the alternative (aka dead). And I’m not one of those people that protests their own birthday because of the whole getting older thing. Are you kidding? This is MY day! I can do almost anything on the basis that it’s my birthday.

No, it’s not any of that. It’s just the number. 34. It sounds like a drag.

I’ve talked before about my weird number quirks. I like 3’s and multiples of 3. I was really excited to be 33 because, holy cow, that’s TWO 3’s! Double your 3 pleasure! Better yet, 33 adds up to 6! A multiple of 3! An actual doubling of 3’s pleasure!

34…that’s not a multiple of 3. Worse, it adds up to 7. Everyone else raves about that number, but it’s my least favorite. In fact, it leads me to believe that my entirety of 34 is going to be a huge bummer, as opposed to 33, which I felt sure would be fabulous simply based on the 3 factor.

Okay, yes, I’m weird. Weird to the point that I’ve been thinking of just telling everyone I’m 36 for the next few years (I’m not sure I’m digging 35 just yet either), so I can avoid being 34, at least in spirit.

Hey, if age is just a number, I should be able to do that, right?

Saying I’m 36 might also give my perception of really spending the year being 34 a boost. I don’t have high hopes for the year because of that number. Maybe I can use the 36 magic to boost my spirits some and make it a better year than I anticipate.

You never know. Maybe that little number manipulation might make me change my mind and claim to be 34, really own it.

Sure, why not?

It’s all in the math, baby.

*I have been reminded of Internet Rule #34. I’m not sure if that will make my year better or worse, but it definitely made my view of it more interesting.

I Don’t Know How You People Do It

December 18, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

In the next week I’ll have a holiday party, three Christmases, grocery shopping, one floorset shift, and hopefully a haircut.

I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

And I can feel my anxiety rise every time I look at my calendar.

It’s not that I don’t want to do these things (okay, I’m not a big fan of grocery shopping), but it’s just a lot of me to do in a week. For once, this has nothing to do with my laziness.

I’m an introvert.

Someone explained it that when it comes to social interactions, extroverts take in the energy from being out and about while introverts expend it. As an introvert, this means I will be expending some level of energy for every activity I do the week in question. The routine stuff, like floorset and grocery shopping, doesn’t require as much energy as the holiday party and the Christmases will, but it will all cost me. I’m going to be more than wiped out by the time it’s all said and done.

As an introvert, I require a certain amount of preparation and recovery time from social interactions. Sometimes it’s not much. Sometimes it’s a lot.

This means I don’t go out as much as my friends. I’m not as socially active. I have one friend that I know might be home for dinner one or two nights a week, maybe. She’s always running. After work there are all sorts of activities that she or her husband or her kids are involved in. And that’s great! But I have no idea how she can manage it because for me, it would be so draining that I’d be dead within a week.

She is an extrovert. And I’m little jealous of that.

Being an introvert can be a bit tiring. I don’t go out as much with my friends as maybe I should or maybe I’d like to. There are times when my energy is riding high and I’m good to go. Lots of times, it takes all I can muster just to get through the regular social interaction of my day. As a result, people stop asking you to do things because they know the answer will “always” be no. It’s kind of a bummer.

I’m not trying to whine about it. I’m sure there are bummer aspects to being an extrovert, too. I’m just not sure what they are.

I’m too busy looking on in amazement at how people can be so socially active and not need a day or a weekend or a week (or month, or…) to recharge. To me, extroverts are like the Energizer Bunny, just going and going and going.

Meanwhile, as an introvert, I feel like a dying laptop battery that’s gotta be charged every couple of hours.

I wonder if I can get a replacement off of Amazon.

A Sew-Sew Gift

December 13, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Usually I have to ask my mother what she wants for her birthday or Christmas, and when I do, it’s usually rather entertaining (she’s asked for everything from a candle to some of my artwork to a new shirt of my choosing to a Kid Rock CD).

This year, however, I didn’t even have to ask. Mom was ready with her request.

Having moved into a new house she found herself in need of two things. One, coasters. Two, kitty curtains.

Mom has seven cats. She decided that a good place for one of their litter boxes would be in a cabinet in her mudroom where she has her washer and dryer. She’d take a panel out of one of the bottom doors and make an entrance for the cats. But she wanted to dress it up a little so it didn’t look like your run of the mill hole. So she bought some black and white cheetah print fabric and asked me to make curtains of them.

With the rest, she wanted some new coasters, at least six. Mom prefers cloth coasters because they don’t stick to your glasses like other kinds do.

These two projects were kind of an interesting challenge because I’d never attempted either.

I took measurements for the curtains, cut two panels, did some hems, and then attached the two panels so they were overlapping. Mom did the rest, attaching velcro to the top and then to the cabinet. She then screwed hooks into the sides of the door and held back the curtains with, of all things, hair ties. It turned out really cute!

As for the coasters, I went back to the days of my first sewing project: pillows. I cut the squares and then sewed them the same way I used to sew pillows. Instead of stuffing the coasters with fluff, though, there’s a square of old towel sandwiched in there to help absorb the moisture while leaving them washable.

Mom is rather pleased with her gifts.

I am, too. Not bad for a self-taught hand-sewer.

Making Grinchmas

December 9, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I make as many presents as I can for Grinchmas. The present depends on the person. My nieces always get jewelry, but what kind of jewelry varies from year to year (and request to request; I’ve been making them jewelry for years so they anticipate it now). Other folks I try to come up with something unique, but if I can make several for different people, I find that handy.

Last year a couple of my friends got little recipe books that I personalized for them while several of my family members got mason jars that I wrote on with hot glue and then painted silver so the writing would show up. I filled the jars with either tea or hot chocolate and attached candy canes with ribbons.

This year I found a recipe to make dough for Christmas ornaments and decided that would be a good idea. Creative and unique and I could make several of them for different people. Of course I’m making jewelry for my nieces (including the newest one I picked up through my sister’s marriage) and my cousin’s girlfriend, and my mother requested that I sew her some kitty curtains and coasters for her new house (I’ll post an explanation with pictures about all of that later).

While it’s nice to have everything known and lined out and whatnot, I’ve found that once again I’ve put the pressure on myself time-wise. And I even started earlier this year than last year!

Part of the pressure comes from trying to do all of these things between three jobs and writing. The other part comes from the fact that some of this stuff has to be mailed and if I want it there before the holiday, I need to have it done sooner than everything else.

The biggest part of the pressure, though, comes from my brain. I feel like I need to have this done NOW. And I won’t be happy until it is all done. Never mind that I sew by hand and that I have to wait for my charms to arrive by mail and that paint needs to dry. Now. NOW.

It’s like there’s a self-imposed deadline is in my head. More like a clock ticking down to detonation. If I don’t get this all done by a certain time everything will blow up.

The clock was running down for me this past weekend. I could see it in my head, ticking down to Sunday night. Which was kind of silly. Of everything that I still had to do (most of the jewelry and the kitty curtains were already done), only the coasters HAD to be finished (I delivered the curtains last week and I promised the coasters by Tuesday). Most of the ornaments won’t be delivered until Christmas Eve/Day. Of those that have to be mailed, I still have time for that. Ditto with the bracelet I have to make (the one for my niece’s birthday, which is a week before Christmas, is a little more pressing, but not that much really).

So I spent the weekend frantically thinking about all of the things I needed to have done and doing those said things.

Not the most restful weekend, but at least I’m almost ready for Grinchmas.

Now I just need to start wrapping things.

But that’s another post.

Rebuilding My Wardrobe

December 6, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Not having a steady income flow means that I’ve learned to be very cheap in order to get the bills paid. This means that the things I want are no longer options and many things I need are relegated to want status because I can find a way to live without them.

This is why I went for several years without buying new clothes. Oh, I’d buy a new shirt or a pair of jeans if I absolutely needed to, but clothes became a “want” item and I couldn’t afford to want anything. As such, my look and my style suffered. I’ve posted before about my fat girl style and let me tell you, I’m not much into fashion, but it’s a real drag when I can’t keep up with my own style the way I want to.

However, lately, the income has picked up and gotten steady and I’ve been able to capitalize on it. In other words, I’m buying new clothes.

And it’s a glorious feeling!

I’m finally able to do some of the trends that I’ve be admiring: skinny jeans tucked into boots, cute cardigans and scarves, bright colors, things that actually fit. I’ve felt so dumpy in my old stuff. I’ve got sweaters that are a decade old and are, unfortunately, showing it. I got tired of always wearing t-shirts and jeans that were patched within an inch of their lives. Like I’ve said, I’m no fashionista, but dammit, I like to look good. This is my fat body and my fat body deserves to look its best. I know other folks would rather I dress this bad bitch in a muumuu and never leave my house, but that’s not going to happen. (Unless I can find one of those fabulous 1970’s Hawaii Five-0 muumuus, but I’ll still be leaving my house to show that bad boy off.) I’m enjoying this whole experience of getting new clothes and rocking them hardcore.

But this little bit of extra money coming in doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned my cheap ways. I’m still only buying clearance or sale stuff, still waiting for days when I can take an extra 25 or 30 or 40% off. I’m still trying to stretch my dollar to the limit, getting the most I can for what I pay. And there are still things I’d love to buy, but that price has to come down more first.

I’ve waited for so long to be able to get to this point in which I could buy new clothes that I’m worried that I’m overdoing it, that all of this spending, even if I’m not spending that much at a stretch, will come back to bite me in the ass. That’s the trouble with being money-less for so long. Having money doesn’t eliminate the worry of going back to not having money.

But in the meantime, while I work to make sure I’m not money-less again, I’m bound and determined to look good doing it.

The Definitive Grinchmas Post

December 4, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ 2 Comments

The purpose of this post is to concisely explain Grinchmas to anyone who might be curious as to what I’m talking about when I refer to it on Twitter or Facebook (because I’m usually not being an actual Bah Humbug when I talk about it) or tell folks to Rob Whoville instead of one of the standard December sayings. It might also be used as a sort of blueprint in case anyone else would like to celebrate or create their own December holiday alternative.

The Origin of Grinchmas (in a nutshell)– I created the holiday in reaction to the material gluttony of Christmas and the Christians telling me I HAD to say “Merry Christmas”, but shouldn’t be allowed to celebrate it because I’m not Christian.

How I Celebrate Grinchmas:

-I bid people “Rob Whoville” instead of saying “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Holidays”, or any of the other standard phrases. When the Grinch robbed Whoville, the reaction of the Whos made him realize that Christmas was about more than presents and his heart grew three sizes that day. “Rob Whoville” means more to me than “Merry Christmas”.

-My Grinchmas decorations (which curiously look a lot like Christmas decorations) are put up on December 1st and come down on December 31st, completely contained within the month of December.

-I make as many Grinchmas gifts as I can. The few Grinchmas gifts I buy are bought with gift cards that I earn through a market research program (and those gift cards are specifically for Grinchmas; I don’t consider them mine to use for myself for the most part). The only money I spend on Grinchmas is for any materials I might need to make gifts.

And that’s about it. That’s how I roll in December. It’s the way I prefer to celebrate the holiday season. I can still blend in and do Christmas with my family and friends and such, but for me, doing Grinchmas is much more fulfilling. Instead of going through the motions like I used to do, the motions now have some meaning.

Grinchmas is a made-up thing and I’m sure it will continue to evolve with the years, but these are the basics, the FAQs, if anyone ever asked me about it. I’ll add to this post if I need to.

I don’t think I’ll need to.

30 Things I’m Thankful For

November 11, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know how your Facebook feeds are running, but I’ve got several people on mine saying one thing they’re thankful for each day. I don’t know if they’re doing it for the whole month, or just up until Thanksgiving (which is basically the whole month), I was not briefed on the exact rules. But I figured instead of me trying to remember to post every day and what not, it’d just be easier for me to post a list of thirty things I’m thankful for right here and then people can refer to it during the month whenever they need to be reminded that I’m thankful for various things.

So, here we go. Thirty things I’m thankful for.

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Pets

(Gotta get those three easy ones out of the way.)

4. Reruns

5. Me-TV, TVLand, Hallmark Channel, INSP, Cozi, Netflix, Hulu, and YouTube for giving me reruns.

6. My TV boyfriends, Danno and Artie, even though I don’t get to see Artie much anymore.

7. Reading

8. Writing

9. Music

10. The Monkees, which combine my love of music and reruns.

11. Horror movies

12. Baseball. And the Cubs. (When they start winning a few more games, they can get a number of their own.)

13. My Aunt Jo and cousin Nancy making holiday dinners. Not only do I get to take the day off of cooking dinner, but they’re fabulous cooks as well.

14. Ice cream on Thursday nights.

15. NaNoWriMo

16. Being able to pay my bills.

17. The military, cops, firemen, paramedics, and other such folks who keep people safe for crap pay.

18. This blog (even if I can make it a pain in my butt sometimes)

19. Twitter. I keep my funniest people there.

20. My jobs, no matter what they are and how many I have at one time.

21. Crockpot chicken noodle soup.

22. Making my nieces’ Christmas presents.

23. My nieces asking me to make them Christmas presents.

24. Witty, snappy dialogue.

25. My daily blessing jar that I’ve been filling up all year.

26. My health. It’s not perfect, but I’m vertical and ventilating.

27. My angel collection. My cicada collection. My evil clown collection.

28. My sewing abilities. Something else not great, but serviceable.

29. Dancing, belly and otherwise.

30. My life. The ultimate thing not the greatest, but it’s mine and I’d rather not do without it.

My Yearly Descent Into Madness aka Christmas Season

November 8, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Oh yes. That time of year after my beloved Halloween ends and the jolly faithful completely skip over Thanksgiving and go right to shoving tinsel down my throat.

That time of year when Christians start screaming at me to say “Merry Christmas” but then tell me I’m not allowed to celebrate THEIR holiday (though if I’m going to be honest, folks on my FB started that crap in September; you know who you are). Nothing puts me in the mood to love my fellow humans quite like it.

That time of year when my horror films are replaced with saccharine holly jolly flicks about what a wonderful time of year it is. Six weeks of syrup drizzling all over my channels.

That time of year when Christmas songs start creeping into the playlists on the radio and in stores, gradually building until that’s all you hear because somehow people think that six weeks of this music will put everyone into the spirit instead of driving folks, particularly the poor folks working in retail, to homicide.

That time of the year when most people become obsessed with shopping and deals and getting and spending. So this is more retail PTSD, but when you’ve dealt with as many nasty, rude people as I have all for the sake of some joyous gift-giving holiday, your dislike of crowds, shoppers, and materialism becomes part of your fight-or-flight response.

That time of year when I’m subjected to false-cheerfulness and ho-ho-ho and very special episodes and endless commercials for toys and elves and Santa and white chocolate and peppermint in EVERYTHING.

Oh yes. That time of year.

I wish we could keep Christmas in December so I can eat my damn Thanksgiving turkey in peace.