What Bill Watterson Said

September 6, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

The wonderful thing about Twitter is that it exposes me to things that I might not normally make contact with. Sometimes that can be a curse, but much of the time it’s a blessing.

Someone linked to a Slate article about this blog, particularly the Bill Watterson entry. Gavin Aung Than is a freelance cartoonist and for this blog, he takes inspirational quotes and turns them into cartoons. For the Bill Watterson quote, which was taken from a speech he did at Kenyon College in 1990, Mr. Than drew the cartoon in the style of Mr. Watterson (and did a pretty fabulous job, if you ask me, which no one did, but I’m saying it anyway).

Combining the essence of Calvin and Hobbes with a solid, meaningful quote is a great way to speak to me and this little bit did. It’s basically saying what I’ve been struggling with for the past six years in pursuing my life as a writer. I’m viewed as a failure because I’m not out to get that brass ring everyone’s heard tell about. I’m not doing it the way I’m supposed to.

I use my living situation, which most would cite as an example of failure, to my advantage so I can work my “not real” jobs to pay my bills while affording me the time I want to write. I did the same thing when I had a “real job” at Wal-Mart, only working part-time, refusing promotions and such so I could keep my writing time. When I took my last “real job”, the full-time deal in a cube, I really wasn’t feeling it, partially because my writing time was significantly cut down.

People thought I was terrible for quitting that last job. It was a “good” job. And it was a good job. But it wasn’t MY good job.

It’s my life and I want to do it my way and unfortunately, my way isn’t THE way, and I’d like people living THE way not to freak out about it so much. We all gotta run our own railroads.

Just like the comic. He quit the job that wasn’t fulfilling him to make model T-Rex’s and be a stay-at-home dad. That’s not MY life. Painting models and raising kids isn’t the train track I wanna be running on, but I totally get that sentiment.

And please, don’t bring up the whole “paying the bills” end of this scenario. “Not everyone can quick their jobs and ART!” (Seriously, every third comment on the Slate article I didn’t link to for just that reason was like this. Every second comment was bitching about how it was an insult to people who ARE ambitious and WANT that kind of life and, oh for fuck’s sake, go sit down somewhere because you’re insistence on missing the point is irritating). First of all, I PAY my bills and I’ve paid them since I was fifteen. And no matter what situation I’m in, bills getting paid comes first. Bills getting paid coming first is the important part of this scenario.

But I try to do it in such a way that was more fulfilling to me.

Kinda like I’m doing right now.

Writing–From Doubt to New Idea

September 4, 2013August 29, 2013 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

After the Short Story Disappointment of August, I found myself re-evaluating my worth, dedication, and ability as a writer. Periods of writer’s doubt are common for me. I think a lot of writers go through it once in a while. But this one had me really questioning myself as a writer.

In the end, I realized a few things about myself.

One, I’m always going to be a writer. Even if I can never make a living off of it, I’m always going to do it. It’s just what I do. Because when I sat down and asked myself, “Okay, self, what is it that you really want to do with your life?” the answer that came immediately was “Write”. Yes, I like to do other things. Yes, I make money other ways and I’m always exploring new ways to make money that I think would be fun and engaging. I’m really selfish in the fact that I want to do what I want to do as often as possible and I do what I can to make that happen. But the number one thing I want to do is write, so that’s what I’m going to do.

The second thing I realized is that I don’t think I’m good enough to make a living as a writer. Oh sure, plenty of crap writers get published and make bajillions of dollars (I don’t think I need to be naming names here). However, they also at least have an idea that is marketable, that the public drools for, that can be sold to the masses. I don’t have that. My brain doesn’t work that way. I don’t have the inherent ability to be popular and by extension, the stuff I write isn’t popular. Because of this I realize that I will probably never be able to sell a book to a traditional publisher. I just don’t have what they want because what they want is to make money (and I don’t blame them because that’s what we all want, baby). There is no need to waste an agent’s time because I don’t have the goods for the market. No fair asking them to sell bruised peaches to folks looking for shiny apples. They’ll never earn a living that way and neither will I.

The final thing I realized is that, you know, self-publishing might just be it for me. I AM good enough for that. And we’re rapidly moving away from the stigma of self-publishing being for losers. I do like self-publishing for the most part. I hate the formatting, but I like the control I have over what I publish, what the cover looks like, where I publish it, and so forth. I’m not a control-freak (some people might disagree), but I do like the autonomy of doing it myself. Yeah, it doesn’t translate into great sales, but it does provide that rush of accomplishment I get when something of mine does get published, but in this case, it’s just coming on my terms instead of someone else’s.

This latest batch of writer’s doubt has put a new perspective on who I am as a writer. It’s often too easy for me to put myself down because I’m not like other writers. Now I’m operating from the position that it’s okay if I’m not because I’m doing my own thing anyway. I shouldn’t be doing their thing. My own is just fine.

So pardon me while I groove.

Writing–September Projects

September 2, 2013August 29, 2013 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

After the disaster that was August, I’m ready to switch gears and leave my disappointments in the dust, like I would totally do every day if I could afford the Chevelle on the car lot near my house.

Anyway.

My two main goals this month are to get back to revisions on the Ivy novella (and hopefully give the damn thing a name) and start writing the latest horror novella idea.

I feel like the month away from the Ivy novella has given me a nice respite and a new perspective on it. I think I have a better idea of what I need to do with it to get it the way I want it. I’m thinking that, if all goes well, I should still be able to get it up as an e-book before the end of the year, possibly before NaNo. However, I’m saying that tentatively. I saw what smugness did to me last month.

I think writing this new novella idea will be just the break I need from the trouble I’ve been having with the short stories. The idea has mellowed long enough that I think I’m ready to put it down on paper, so to speak, and I think the act of writing something new and something longer might help my creative issues when it comes to revising my short stories and getting them to work out the way I want them to.

I’m also back to kid-minding in the morning (and now the afternoon as well) a few days a week. I think my morning project will be this non-fiction thing that I’ve been scribbling about since January. I still don’t know what it is exactly, but I’ve filled a whole notebook about it. I’ve got a new notebook and I’m going to keep scribbling. Eventually, I’m going to get to the heart of this beast and know its name. Might as well do it in the mornings while I’m waiting for the kid to get ready for school during the moments I don’t have a kitten crawling up my leg.

I feel this will be sufficient to keep me busy without completely crushing my soul since none of it has to be finished before the end of the month.

Ego rebound month.

What Does My Handwriting Say About Me?

August 30, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I get a lot of comments on my handwriting.

Not compliments.

Comments.

Because people are more fascinated than impressed with my handwriting.

As you can see from the picture, I definitely have my own style. It’s half-print, half-cursive. I use old-fashioned A’s and my lower case N’s look like a smaller version of the capital form. It’s pointy and a little sloppy. Like I said in the note, I made an effort to be neat. If I don’t, then it looks a whole lot worse.

Most of the time it looks worse.

If I’m writing for me, then neatness be damned. I can read it and that’s all that matters.

Except sometimes even I can’t read it.

When I was in college, I was a serious note-taker. I was good at picking out what I needed to know and writing it down, but this meant that I wrote a lot. And sometimes, in an effort to keep up, neatness ended up sacrificed on the alter of speed and in the end there were some things that even I couldn’t read. I admit that some of my psychology notes looked like I was possessed by a demon and started writing in tongues during the lecture. Forget asking anyone else to make a guess, not when they have so much trouble reading it in the first place.

Handy, in a way. Almost like writing in code. Except for the times when I can’t even break it.

The big thing that gets commented on the most is that my handwriting is so small. To be fair, the notebook paper I used for the picture is wide ruled, but it’s even noticeable when I use college ruled (my preference). Even my still-learning-to-write niece has commented on the smallness of it.

For some reason, my tiny handwriting drives people crazy. I don’t know why but that’s just more comfortable to me. Writing bigger feels foreign and awkward to me. Oh, when I was younger I tried to write bigger, using that soft, curvy style that most of the girls I was in school with used. But it never felt right and I couldn’t get it to stick. Inevitably, I’d go back to writing small and pointy letters. Bubble letters and I’s dotted with hearts just doesn’t come naturally to me. Small and sharp is the way I go.

I can’t help it.

It’s just my style.

Writing–Full Stop

August 28, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

This hiccup with my planned anthology, along with one of my stories getting cancelled, has brought me to a full stop.

It’s a simple case of writer’s doubt I know, but I’ve taken a good hit to the ego and I need some recovery time.

It’s not like the time I didn’t write for two weeks, though. It’s not that I’m not writing at all. I’m still writing blog posts and writing in my journal and sketching out some story ideas and the like, but all work on my short stories has completely stopped, even the ones that had nothing to do with the anthology. I just don’t want to look at them. I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t want to start a new one. Bleh bleh bleh.

So I shot myself in the foot this month. What I want to get accomplished isn’t going to be accomplished because I ran smack dab into this brick wall and I’m doing a fair bit of whining and moping instead of problem-solving to get by it.

The thing is, though, I’m letting myself do it. I have a right to wallow a bit. The wallowing isn’t stopping me from working on OTHER things. In fact, I’m directing a bit of that wallowing towards other projects because it let’s me feel like I’m not a complete failure and I’m not being totally useless.

But I don’t see any reason why I should deny myself the opportunity to experience this disappointment. How else will I learn? How else will I get stronger? How else will I figure out how to cope and how to recover and how to overcome?

So maybe full stop isn’t the best way to describe this since only one thing has really stopped (temporarily).

Everything else is still plugging away.

Sew, I Made Another Skirt

August 26, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

After doing my first jean skirt, I decided that I had another pair of jeans that were ripe for transformation and decided to do another one, but shorter. I was going for a pencil skirt look, which I sort of achieved.

I did my measuring and cut off the legs where I thought I should. Then I went about the cutting and sewing just like I did with the first, long denim skirt: I cut the inseam of the legs open along the seam and the front of the jeans up along the crotch towards the zipper so I could fold it over and stitch it. I did the same thing in the back, cutting up the butt seam, but fashioning a slit instead.

The front looks pretty good, I think. I don’t like the way the back slit turned out very much and if I’m honest, the skirt should be tighter around the legs to be more pencil-ish. It also turned out shorter than I’d intended. Good thing I allowed an inch or so for a hem, otherwise it would have been much shorter than I wanted.

I learned a few things working on this skirt.

One, I’m terrible at cutting a straight line and I don’t know that I’ll ever get better at it.

Two, shorter skirts require a lot more trimming than I thought. Due to my crap cutting skills and the way the fabric needed to be arranged to be worked into a skirt, I had a lot more excess material to cut away than with my first skirt.

Three, my stitching is getting better, which I consider a huge plus.

Four, I will sew with my left hand without realizing it and then wonder why it’s taking me so long to get the sewing done. No kidding. I was half-way through one section of the skirt before I realized why it was taking me so long to get it done. The sad thing is, I do stuff like that all the time. Clearly, I think I’m ambidextrous, but my left hand just hasn’t developed the necessary skill level yet.

In the end, I’m pretty pleased with this attempt.

This will be the last jeans-to-skirt attempt for a while, though.

At least until I buy some more jeans.

Writing–Cancelling “Someone To Hold”

August 21, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

For the second time in my writing career, I’ve had a story cancelled on me.

“Someone to Hold” was accepted earlier this year for publication in a magazine. Last week I received notice that they were putting all of their magazines on hold and therefore, my story would not be published. They said they’d get back to me when their magazines go back into production and if the story is still available, they’ll take it again.

So, the question before me now is what should I do with this story?

I could hold onto it and hope they contact me again so I get that guaranteed magazine space and that guaranteed money.

Or, I could submit it somewhere else if I come across a place that would be a good fit.

Or, I could use it in the wrecked anthology that I blogged about earlier this week if I need it.

I guess it all depends on what would best serve the story. Leaving it to sit on my hard drive is not doing it any justice, so the idea of saving it for something that might not happen makes me a little nervous. I’d hate for this story to be wasted like that.

On the other hand, my track record for self-publishing isn’t exactly great. If I put this story in my anthology and publish it that way, there’s a good chance that it won’t get read anyway. However, it will be possible to read it. That’s not true if it’s hanging out, waiting to be submitted somewhere.

Speaking of, it’s possible that if I do come across some place to submit the story and it gets accepted, there’s going to be this nagging worry that I might be short changing myself by settling for another magazine/anthology when I should have just waited.

It’s amazing the knots I can tie myself into over things like this.

The one bright spot in this is that I have time. There’s no hurry to make a decision.

It’ll be a while before they get back to me about their magazines going back into production. It’s going to be longer than expected for me to get this anthology un-wrecked. I’m not actively searching for publications. This is not a pressing matter.

But it’s one that’s going to be lurking in the back of my mind.

Writing–So About That Anthology

August 19, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I’ve discussed that I planned to do another short story anthology this year and I brashly said that I could have it pretty much done by the end of this month.

Well, I did a great job of jinxing myself.

In doing revisions on my short stories for the anthology, a few things ended up occurring.

1. Two of the stories aren’t working out. “Devil Temper” and “The Backroom” just aren’t coming together the way I want them to and I’m not sure yet how to fix them. This means there’s a very good chance that they will not be done by the end of the month. It also means that they might not work out at all or, if they do work out, might no longer work for the anthology. See my next number.

2. “The Nights Get Shorter” has turned out to be a good little ditty, which I’m pleased with, but isn’t going to fit the tone of the anthology, which is a bummer.

3. “Mind the Deer” did work and will be used. Thank goodness I didn’t jinx EVERYTHING.

So this means I went from having my anthology idea worked out and all of the spaces filled to needing three stories if I can’t get “Devil Temper” and “The Backroom” to do my bidding and/or they no longer work for the anthology.

This is what I get for being too cocky and thinking that this month was going to be a breeze. Instead, I’m looking at a big ol’ setback and the goals I had for the month might not get accomplished.

Let this be a lesson, kids. Don’t be arrogant with your work. It’ll kick you in the ass.

Writing–Is This Worth Writing?

August 14, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I’ve got two potential ideas for this year’s NaNoWriMo. I’m actually delighted that I’m getting any ideas so early considering the last couple of years I’ve waited until the last minute before coming up with something. I’ve also got an idea for a new novella (unless it decides to keep growing). I’m rather excited by the sudden influx of creativity I’ve got going on here.

However, I’m faced with the usual problem whenever I get any idea: is this worth writing?

I admit that I get a lot of ideas, notions, scraps of inspiration, and those end up getting jotted down in my idea notebook because most of the time, as good as they seem, there’s not much to them. At least not yet. So I save them for later.

There are times, like recently, that the ideas I get are so strong that they won’t leave my head and I find myself having a whole lot to jot down in my notebook. I keep coming back to those ideas because there’s something there that arouses my interest and keeps me wondering how it could all work out.

Those ideas, the ones that seem to have so much promise, are the ones that I judge the harshest. And I’m not always a very good judge. Sometimes I get caught up in the excitement and I start writing an idea that maybe isn’t ready to be written, or shouldn’t be written at all. After a few days, maybe a week, I realize it. The whole thing grinds to a halt and I’m left disappointed.

It happened recently. I had this great idea and I started to sketch it out. And while I was still sketching it, I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to start writing the beginning of it. Sure enough, had I put in the due diligence of sketching, I might have realized that my enthusiasm would be short-lived and the idea would have been better left to settle in the sketch stage instead of being rushed into production.

That’s the kind of dance I’m doing now with these three new ideas. I’m doing a lot of thinking and sketching. The two potential novel ideas will need some research, one more than the other. But more importantly, is there enough story there that’s worth writing? I don’t want to be caught short during NaNo. One of the novel ideas I can tell has a problem with having enough story. Right now I’ve only got one main thread and that’s not going to be enough to go the distance with if I want to do it for NaNo. The other one already has a few threads to work with the main thread, so I consider it to have a little more potential. Except the way I want to do it is different than anything I’ve ever done before and it might not be a good idea to do it that way.

The novella is healthy as a horse, as near as I can tell. The only question I’ve got with it is will I be able to write it the way that I want to and the way that I see it in my head.

But that’s another post for another day.

If Everyone Is Saying It, It Must Be True

August 12, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I was taught that when someone gave me a compliment I was to say “thank you” whether I agreed with them or not. Don’t argue, don’t protest, just say your thanks and move on. Manners and all that.

And that’s what I do. “You have such pretty eyes.” “Thanks.” “I love your skirt!” “Thanks.” “I like the way you verbally eviscerated that guy.” “Thanks.”

It’s become an automatic response to the point that I don’t really pay much attention to the compliment (unless it’s a truly unique one or backhanded or related to weight-loss because I don’t think saying, “Hey, you’ve lost weight!” is much of a compliment, but that’s another post). It’s not that I don’t appreciate people saying nice things to me on occasion; I enjoy that very much. But I just don’t read that much into it.

When I got my hair cut, I expected some people to notice because it was such a dramatic change. And I anticipated the reactions of a few people would be saying they liked my hair, whether they really did or not, as a way of acknowledging the drastic change in a nice way. In short, I didn’t pay too much attention at first when people said they liked my hair because it was the people that I expected to say something.

But then people I didn’t expect started saying the same thing. My hair attracted more attention than I thought it would. And I started to think…”Gee, maybe everyone does think my hair looks nice.”

At some point I’ve moved from “people being nice about my hair” to “this is the general consensus about my hair”.

Which is weird for me because I don’t typically think of people holding good opinions of me. I know I’m regarded as a failure by certain people and society thinks I’m a fat waste of DNA, and I’d be lying if I said those opinions didn’t impact me at least somewhat, but my opinion of myself is so high that it kind of minimizes the worth of those opinions.

So here I am, already thinking my hair looks freakin’ fabulous, and people are backing me up. It’s just strange. I’ve never had this sort of positive consensus before, particularly about a physical aspect of my being. I mean it’s nice, but it’s strange.

This is one of the few instances that I like going with the crowd, especially since for once they’re agreeing with me. If everyone is saying it, then it must be true. My hair looks good.

I could go mad with this sort of power.

But no. I like my head able to fit through doorways.