No More Bad Words

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

If you’ve been following this blog for a while, then you know that I did several posts focusing on “bad words”, words with negative connotations that had been used by friends and family to describe me.

If you’ve been following this blog for a while, then you might have also noticed that I haven’t done a bad words post in quite a while.

I’ve been thinking about why that is and the best thing I can come up with is that I’m burnt out on talking about the negative aspects of myself. I still have them, they still exist, that’s for sure. But I’m bored with pointing them out and discussing them.

Does that sound egotistical? Well, we can just add that to the bad word list, I suppose.

The point of those posts was that I wanted to show people that I knew of my faults, acknowledge them, and tried to work to improve them. I wanted people to know that I was  working on some of my bad points, even if I hadn’t gotten to them all yet. More importantly, I wanted people, particularly friends and family, to know that I heard what they said, knew what they said, and took those bad words to heart.

When I wrote the first notes on the bad words posts, it was quite cathartic. I knew I had bad points and here they were written down in concrete form and I was going to admit them and share them with the world. But as the posts went on, I didn’t get that cathartic feeling anymore.  It all seemed like attention-seeking. Look at me! See what I horrible person I am! At least I can admit it! See how brave I am!

And that’s not what I wanted.

I wanted it to be an honest admission and discussion, something genuine and real. It started to feel like a reality show and I don’t like reality shows. I got bored. I got tired. Under the spotlight of the blog (what little spotlight this blog has), the emotional release of acknowledging those bad words dried up like a popsicle left in the sun. All I’ve got left is a sticky mess and stick not suitable for any sort of craft construction.

So, I’ve declared a moratorium on bad words. Oh, they still exist and they still apply to me. People are still saying them, to my face and behind my back. I’m still working on changing them to good words.

But, I’m just not saying them right now.

Writing–Revising Spirited In Spite

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

My goal this month was to revise Spirited In Spite and submit it to a novel contest. I knew that I had a lot of obstacles to overcome in the goal. I started doing the work in December during the holidays and nothing kills my productivity like running the Holiday Gauntlet. I knew I was going to Chicago for a birthday weekend at Cubs Con, which meant getting any work done would be pretty special. I saw those challenges and was willing to face them head on in the name of getting this manuscript entered into the contest.

However, what I didn’t count on was my bad memory and ability to underestimate things.

See, I had notes written up for the revisions/rewrites of Spirited In Spite. It’s how I do my manuscript revisions. I read through it and make notes. Looking at the notes, I thought I had more to work with than what was actually there. In other words, there was a lot more rewriting than revision required. Shortly before I left for Chicago, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to make the deadline. There was just too much work to be done and not enough time to do it, particularly to the satisfaction of entering it into a contest.

I’m continuing with the rewrites, of course, and I’m hoping to finish them this month. I shouldn’t have any more interruptions for the rest of the month and if I can write 60,000 words in 3 weeks, I shouldn’t have any trouble finishing this rewrite before the 31st. I do have notes, after all.

In a sense, I’m really writing a new first draft when doing these rewrites because so much of the manuscript is being rewritten. In fact, I’d say at least 75 to 80% . And when it comes to writing a first draft, I just write as fast as I can and don’t look back.

I’m disappointed that I didn’t realize sooner that revising this manuscript for a contest would be a lost cause. A Tale of Two Lady Killers was probably in better shape to be done and I might have actually made the deadline with something worth submitting. But these are the kinds of mistakes that I tend to make. I get an idea in my head, think I know what I’m doing, and then too late realize that I’m clueless or that I missed a much better option due to tunnel vision. It’s something I really do need to work on.

But, at least at the end of this whole mess I’ll be one more step closer to having a legitimate finished manuscript on my hands to do with as I will.

There’s always another contest.

Writing–Canceling “Playing Chicken”

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Last month I learned that due to lack of funds that the anthology that “Playing Chicken” was going to be published in was canceled. This bums me out for a few reasons. One, I won’t be getting paid. Two, I won’t be getting my story published. Three, one of my favorite small publishers (that’s published me in the past) is struggling.

It’s the third point that really troubles me. See, when I ask you to buy an anthology I’ve been published in, I’m not just asking for me. Yes, I want you to read the story I wrote, but I also want you to read the stories everyone else in the anthology wrote. I get paid a one time payment of a certain amount per word when the anthology is published. I don’t make royalties off of it. The money made from you buying an anthology pays the bills, allows the small publisher to keep publishing, and provides me with the future possibility of having another story published with them.

So, while I don’t reap the immediate monetary rewards from all of the copies the anthology sells, you are providing me with the opportunity to get paid by these people again. That’s important to a writer, especially in a time when the short story market is competitive, tough, and not paying a whole lot. Buying the anthologies and keeping the small publishers afloat help out not just the publishers, but the writers, too.

So, with that all said, the “Playing Chicken” ball is back in my court and I am charged with finding a new home for it. On one hand, that’s a pain in the ass. This story was sold, dammit! I should be done with it. On the other hand, it gives me another story to shop around which kind of gives me a boost for my goal to make more of an effort in my submitting. It’s easier to submit a story when you actually have a story to submit, which will be the key to reaching my submitting goals.

They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Let’s hope the next “Playing Chicken” door opens quickly.

Fat Girl Fitness

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I like exercise. Okay, some mornings I don’t feel like I want to do it and it’s kind of a chore, but overall, I like it. I like moving my body and I like the health benefits from it.

For about a year, I’ve been struggling with my workouts. Part of the problem was working full-time. I wasn’t exactly skilled at working in 20-30 minutes of movement after working all day (I sure as heck wasn’t getting up any earlier to do it before I left for the cube). The other part has been trying to find a workout routine that I can stick to.

FitTV was my main source of my workout. Remember that channel? It’s Discovery Health now. I did a belly dance workout every morning. When Fit TV took it off the air, they put several other shows in the time slot that mixed cardio kickboxing, Bollywood dancing, Latin dance, hip hop dance, and cardio sculpting. The days that they aired segments I didn’t like, I did yoga. It was working really nicely, or so I thought, until Oprah needed to have her own network and ruined mine.

So since then, I’ve really been struggling with finding something to do that I like, that I will do every day, that will help me achieve my goal of losing the forty pounds I put back on after I lost it in the first place.

At the end of October I took another setback when I hurt my knee. My already sporadic fitness routine ended up practically non-existent as I struggled to find exercises that I could do that wouldn’t further injure my knee.

All of this struggling and lack of progress took its toll on my self-esteem. And it’s pretty common that the worse you feel about yourself, the less likely you are to be motivated to be do anything about it. Frustration has a tendency to negatively affect my productivity.

But with the new year comes a new opportunity, or at least, that’s what it feels like. For some reason that symbolic restart was just what I needed to clear out some of my baggage and get back on the fitness horse once again. I still haven’t come up with a routine that I like and that I’ve stuck to, but I’m working on it.

I’m going back to basics and taking my own advice. First thing I’ve got to do is get into the habit of moving again, five days a week, no exceptions. My knee is healing and feeling better. I can do more now (wearing a brace during exercise helps). I need to take advantage of that. I need to move. Dancing (free style and belly), stretching, and yoga every morning should do it. These are all things I like. There’s no excuse for me not to do them.

Once I get that rhythm going, then adding in some weights in the afternoon won’t be a big deal. The one thing that retail offered me was that I could work out in the morning, then I’d be walking around when I was at work at night at least a couple of days a week. Writing, I tend to be planted in front of my computer for most of the day. A little sculpting in the afternoon would be a nice way to get the blood flowing and break up some of the afternoon slog.

I’m a big advocate for fat girl fitness. I give my fat girl friends fitness advice all the time. I’ve been doing this for years and I like to share my experience. It’s so easy to be overwhelmed with all of the information. It’s so easy to look at DVD taught by some skinny chick who’s never been fat a day in her life and think that you can’t do that. However, when some practical advice comes from a fat girl, someone who lives with it and struggles with it and does it anyway, it’s a little more encouraging.

This fat girl needs to listen to her own advice and stop over-thinking things. No, I’m not at the fitness level I was a few years ago and that’s frustrating. No, I’m not at the weight I was a few years ago and that’s frustrating. But I know how to get both of those things back, now don’t I? I’ve done it before.

So, shut up, listen, and do it. No excuses.

Cubs Convention 2012

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

As a birthday present from my friend Becca (spending money a Christmas/birthday present from my mom), the two of us went to Cubs Con this past weekend. Now, I’ve been to conventions before (I did Wizard World in 2005 and 2006 and DragonCon in 2007 and 2008), but I’ve never been to a Cubs Con.

We ended up doing just autographs and pictures. No panels (not that there weren’t some that I didn’t think about going to).  And we missed the opening ceremony (but did hear the huge ovation for Kerry Wood) because Becca’s plane was late and by the time we got on the Kennedy, everyone else was on it, too. On one hand, I feel like we managed to do quite a bit. On the other hand, I feel like we missed out on a lot.

But here’s a quick rundown of things we did do.

-Friday night, after checking in, registering, eating, and wandering around the vendors, we hit up Kitty O’Sheas for the Tweetup. There we found our Cubs Con sherpa, Harry, almost immediately. Birthday wishes were exchanged (his birthday was Friday) and he presented me with a gift that only a true Cubs fan could appreciate: a Carlos Silva autographed ball. I feel bad that I didn’t get him anything. I’ll be sure to get him something next year. Oh yes. I will.

-Also great meeting Daniel, Jen, and Vince, and giving a quick hello to a couple of others. Sorry we didn’t get to hang out longer and meet more people.

-On the way back to our hotel room we were brushed aside by security so David DeJesus and his wife could hurry by.

-Saturday morning we got in the cluster known as Reed Johnson’s line. It was a bit of a mess and there was possibly a mutiny being staged behind us, but we made it out alive with Reed’s autograph. Nice guy. I felt his shirt matched his goatee.

-Next, Becca got her picture taken with Geovany Soto. He was late to the photo op. I said it was because he was doing his hair; gel can be a difficult medium to work with. Considering how perfect it looked in Becca’s picture, I’d say I was right.

-We deviated from the Saturday plan by creating a line for the James Russell photo op (I also defended his honor at one point). His signing was on our Sunday agenda, but we saw an opportunity and we took it and I’ve got the K-Mart Photo Studio picture to prove it. We also got bonus time with him since the flash wasn’t working. He was very sweet, even if his plaid did clash with my shirt (he made up for it with really kickin’ cowboy boots).

-We hooked up with Harry and lined up for the Blake DeWitt signing. Sticking to the less popular players was actually a decent strategy as the lines were short. Harry left and came back and didn’t miss much. DeWitt needs to stop letting his mom cut his hair, but other than that, he was quite nice. I’m bummed that they made him change his number (so DeJesus could have #9). Doesn’t seem fair. Also, he had cold hands.

-On the roll that we were, we jumped in the line for Tony Campana and it was a good thing we did because a lot of people showed up for that signing. When I got up there, I asked how his hand was holding up. He said it was okay, then looked behind me and said that he thought it might be sore by the end. So cute and wee. He really is quite pocket-sized.

-While waiting on Campana, we saw both Starlin Castro and Brett Jackson walk by. Castro had an entourage and Brett Jackson apparently just came down from Appalachia where he was hanging out with Grizzly Adams.

-It was then that we parted ways with Harry for a bit as he wanted to get Soto’s autograph and Becca wanted Jeff Samardzija’s. He was nice enough, though I question his hair choices. It wasn’t quite as scary up close, but still I think he should look into a new style.

-Sunday morning, we lined up for James Russell’s signing as was originally planned. Everyone else signed my calendar, but I’d gone to the trouble of bringing Russell’s baseball card and I wanted it signed. So after watching an ADORABLE little boy (he must have been about two) with a Toy Story backpack get HIS baseball card signed and put away in his backpack (OMGSOCUTE), I got my card signed.

-Our last event of the con was a photo op with Blake DeWitt. Again, he was very nice and Becca has the Awkward Family Photo for posterity. I told her that she needs to frame it and put it on her desk at work to see how long it takes for anyone to ask her about it. And if they do, tell them that we’re family from Missouri. Trust me. That would be hilarious.

And so ended our Cubs-filled, fun-filled weekend.

Con pictures on Friday! Stay tuned!

Happy 32!

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Today is my birthday and I have successfully turned 32, which will hereby be referred to as 30-Deuce because it sounds cooler.

To celebrate, I’m going to spend the weekend in Chicago at the Cubs Convention with my good friend Becca and going to meet some of my Cubs fan Twitter friends for the first time. It’s going to be a lot of fun (I don’t give things like this any other choice).

This also means I’ll be taking the next four days off. No blog posts ’til Tuesday!

Happy birthday to me!

Writing–Reading Goals

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

The amount I read in 2011 was pitiful. I mean I’m so ashamed of it that I see no reason to put an exact number how little I did read. Just know that it was pathetic and I’m embarrassed by it.

I’m also not going to offer up any excuses. I failed in that aspect of my job and I admit it.

In order to prevent another year of reading failure, I’m giving myself some pretty simple goals to achieve in order to get myself back on track.

The overall goal is to read 12 books this year, one book a month. I know that’s not much, but this is a bounce back year. It’s best to set the bar low to alleviate the possibility of disappointment and discouragement.

Of the 12 books I plan to read this year, six of them will be fiction and six of them will be non-fiction. This is because I have a tendency to read more non-fiction and as a fiction writer, I should probably be reading more fiction. This guarantees that at the very least, I’m maintaining an equal balance.

Of the six fiction books I plan to read, at least one of them will be in a genre other than horror (my preferred reading genre). I’m thinking chick-lit or romance because that’s pretty much as opposite as I can get and I really need to work on expanding my reading boundaries.

Of the six non-fiction books I plan to read, at least one will be a memoir. This is a genre I would like to write it at some point so I need to explore it. Also, of the six non-fiction books I plan to read, no more than ONE will be a re-read (I don’t re-read fiction like I do non-fiction, and there are a several non-fiction books I tend to re-read every year). I need to find something new.

I never said my reading goals were going to be lofty, but they do fulfill specific purposes and outline in concrete terms what I need to do in order to improve my game for the year. I’m that kind of person. If I see it set out just like that, then it becomes a challenge and I am one of those people that hate to lose.

And by completing these goals (and possibly exceeding them), I’m sure to win in more ways than one.

The Pretty Effort

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Being pretty or cute doesn’t come naturally for me. I’m not one of those women that can just run a brush through my hair, slap some lip gloss on, and call it good. Well, I could, but the effect wouldn’t be considered cute or pretty. At best it’d be considered okay. At worst, eh, I’d still be in better shape than if I did nothing at all.

My point is that I’m somewhat vain and I like to look pretty or cute (on the days I’m not striving to look beautiful and sexy), but it burns me ass that I have to put so much work into it.

And it puts my friends and family in an awkward position because I’m so well-known for not being girly and this effort that I put into my appearance qualifies as being girly and they just don’t know what to make of it. It makes me uncomfortable.

It also leaves me feeling insecure. Several of my female friends and relatives don’t bother with make-up. They don’t have to use any product in their hair. They’re perfectly fine au natural and dammit if they don’t look cute doing it.

I, on the other hand, have to work at it.

Never is this more illustrated than when I travel. Travelling with my roommate Carrie is no big deal because she’s the beauty master and it’s expected of her to be carrying all of the tricks of her trade. I can’t compete with her and would never want to. However, when I travel with other friends, my girly routine is exposed and in high-contrast to the tomboy attributes that make up so much of my personality.

I don’t count skin care as girly because my skin is an organ and I try to take care of it. Not to mention I have skin issues that need to be addressed on a daily basis. This means washing my face, exfoliating, moisturizing, using a particular kind of body wash and two different kinds of body lotions. It’s work, but for me it’s the same as doing cardio to keep my heart healthy or taking my pills and watching what I eat to keep my gut issues in check. Skin care has nothing to do with being girly and everything to do with taking care of myself.

Hair and make-up is a different story.

I will be the first person to tell you (and loudly) that after years of searching, I’ve found a hair cut that I love. However, this hair cut does require product. I use a little gel and some sleek and shine serum (every other day), air dry, a little hair spray for hold, and done. It takes all of a few minutes and compared to previous styles which involved the use of a blow dryer, it’s downright nothing.

But it’s not the thrown-back-in-a-ponytail style of high school and my early 20’s. It’s not the wash and go style I had when I first got my hair cut. It’s still work.

And then there’s the make-up. I’ve worn make-up off and on over the years. I’ve done as little as some concealer to cover up the dark circles under my eyes. I’ve done as much as purple eye shadow and purple lipstick with heavy black eyeliner and glitter tears (I went through a freak period). Carrie, with her make-up wisdom, showed me the make-up required for me to pull off a lovely, natural look that can be jazzed up whenever I feel the need. This look involves concealer, a base powder, a finishing powder, blush, mascara, cream eye shadow, and lip gloss/lip stick. To other girls, this doesn’t sound like much. To my friends, this is A LOT of make-up for me.

Yeah, having other people know what I have to do to pass for pretty or cute makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like my friends knowing what I have to do because I know what they’re thinking. They’re thinking how GIRLY it is for me to be doing it and how anything GIRLY is so out of character for me.

And I can’t say that I’ve been unaffected by that. I stopped wearing make-up for a while after a trip with a friend because she commented on my “girly” routine that took me soooo long to do compared to her just brushing her hair and slapping on a little lip gloss (since it was a special occasion and she usually didn’t wear anything at all). She looked cute and with all of the work I’d put into my routine, I ended up less than. After that I couldn’t see the point in trying. Might as well live up to everyone else’s expectations and just be the totally unfeminine tomboy that fits their idea of who I am.

That lasted for a couple of months before I started in with a little make-up again. Now I only do the full routine for certain occasions, but I’ve got a little something going on every day, even if it’s just powder, mascara, and lip gloss.

Because I realized that I have to work to be pretty and there’s no shame in me wanting to be pretty. I imagine that it shakes the views a few people have of me, but that can’t be my problem. I shouldn’t feel bad about being myself.

It’s their hang-up, not mine.

Writing–January Projects

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

January is going to be one busy, crazy month.

I’m rewriting/revising Spirited in Spite for a contest. The deadline is February 5th, but I’m going to try to have the novel done by January 30th. Yeah, considering most of the book has to be rewritten, there is no way this can end well. If I can get it in somewhat readable shape, I’ll be happy.

The contest is in three stages: pitch, excerpt, novel. I will declare this contest a success if I can get past the pitch stage.

Really, since there’s no entry fee, there’s nothing I’ve got to lose by doing this. The hard deadline, the goal, will help keep me focused. I’ve rewritten/revised one other novel, but I didn’t complete it in the sense that I would feel comfortable with sending it. I can’t imagine I can get this book perfect in about 30 days (okay, to be fair it’s more like 45 days since I actually started working on it in December), but what I will end up with when I submit my entry is going to be better and closer to finished than what I’ve got right now. There’s no reason for me to pass up the opportunity to really work on my novel revising skills in a specific time frame and with a definite goal.

There will be stress and frustration. Let’s just hope that it’s not so severe I end up pulling out my hair.

I’ve also got a few short stories that need to be finished from December. “Another Deadly Weapon” is done and ready to go. “How the Night Haunts” will be up on the blog shortly. The rewrites on “At 3:36” ended up separating the piece into two different stories, “At 3:36” and “Powerless”. “At 3:36” needs more work, but “Powerless” just needs some polishing up, I think. “Anniversaries” and the untitled short story need more work, too.

Aside from “Powerless”, every other story is going to wait in favor of the novel revisions. With “Powerless” done, I’ll have four stories (along with “Soul Sister”, “Playing Chicken” (the anthology it was going to be in was canceled), and “Another Deadly Weapon”) to shop around, which I plan to do in earnest. My goal is to submit a lot more short stories this year.

Let’s see how this all works out with my birthday and me being in Chicago for four days. Let’s just see.

New Year Hopes

~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I’m one of those people that is pretty superstitious about transitioning from one year to the next because my aim is always to go into the new year with the idea and aim to make it better than the last. (I’m sure that nobody wants to make their new year worse than their last, but I’m sure some people wouldn’t mind holding pat; either way, neither here nor there in terms of this post.) I always go into each new year with specific hopes and goals. I wouldn’t call them resolutions. Resolutions are made to be broken. Hopes are meant to be had and goals are meant to be achieved.

My hopes and goals are one in the same. I have them and I’m going to work to achieve them. Here are some of the goals and hopes I have for 2012.

-I want to be happy. I’m a firm believer that happiness is something you create and I’d like to create a lot of it this year.

-I’m going to continue the practice of positive thinking. This one is hard for me. I’m a natural pessimist. I expect the worst, anticipate it for every little thing I do. I’m like Eeyore in that respect. Whatever I do, I attach a certain cloud of gloom to it. I’ve been working on correcting that outlook and I plan to continue that effort.

-I want to succeed in my ventures. This is going to take hard work, I know. Harder work than I’ve been putting into it, I’m sure (I’ll never feel like I work hard enough). But, it’s also going to take the positive thinking. Continuing my work with an anticipation of success instead of anticipation of failure is a must. I need to put myself out there more and not be afraid to sell  myself and my work.

-I want to have fun. Sometimes I’m so dedicate to work and making money to pay bills (even when I have some sort of regular paying day job), that I forget to stop and relax and have a good time. I’ve been known to put fun on my To Do list. Might as well put it on my goals list just to be sure it gets done.

-I want to purge the excess from my life. I am a packrat by nature, not hoarder levels, but I’ve still managed to accumulate more than I need or want. I need to continue to get rid of it. I’m already selling some things on eBay, but a full-scale rummage sale is going to have to  happen this year. I’ve been avoiding it because of all of the work that goes into one, but this year I need to put my laziness aside and get it done. The dead weight needs to go.

-I’m going to make some changes. Big and small, things need to be changed. Sameness can breed stagnation and I’m afraid I’ve got ponds of it in my life. Change isn’t easy, particularly for someone like me. I like to be safe and secure, but that yearning has actually had the opposite effect. I don’t feel that way. I feel more like I’m in a prison. The only key to my freedom is change. Just another thing I can’t put off doing for another year.

The nice thing about having hopes and goals is that success lies in trying. Even if I fail, there’s a certain amount of success that I made the serious attempt to do these things. That’s more than I can say for not trying at all.