30 Things I’m Thankful For

November 11, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know how your Facebook feeds are running, but I’ve got several people on mine saying one thing they’re thankful for each day. I don’t know if they’re doing it for the whole month, or just up until Thanksgiving (which is basically the whole month), I was not briefed on the exact rules. But I figured instead of me trying to remember to post every day and what not, it’d just be easier for me to post a list of thirty things I’m thankful for right here and then people can refer to it during the month whenever they need to be reminded that I’m thankful for various things.

So, here we go. Thirty things I’m thankful for.

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Pets

(Gotta get those three easy ones out of the way.)

4. Reruns

5. Me-TV, TVLand, Hallmark Channel, INSP, Cozi, Netflix, Hulu, and YouTube for giving me reruns.

6. My TV boyfriends, Danno and Artie, even though I don’t get to see Artie much anymore.

7. Reading

8. Writing

9. Music

10. The Monkees, which combine my love of music and reruns.

11. Horror movies

12. Baseball. And the Cubs. (When they start winning a few more games, they can get a number of their own.)

13. My Aunt Jo and cousin Nancy making holiday dinners. Not only do I get to take the day off of cooking dinner, but they’re fabulous cooks as well.

14. Ice cream on Thursday nights.

15. NaNoWriMo

16. Being able to pay my bills.

17. The military, cops, firemen, paramedics, and other such folks who keep people safe for crap pay.

18. This blog (even if I can make it a pain in my butt sometimes)

19. Twitter. I keep my funniest people there.

20. My jobs, no matter what they are and how many I have at one time.

21. Crockpot chicken noodle soup.

22. Making my nieces’ Christmas presents.

23. My nieces asking me to make them Christmas presents.

24. Witty, snappy dialogue.

25. My daily blessing jar that I’ve been filling up all year.

26. My health. It’s not perfect, but I’m vertical and ventilating.

27. My angel collection. My cicada collection. My evil clown collection.

28. My sewing abilities. Something else not great, but serviceable.

29. Dancing, belly and otherwise.

30. My life. The ultimate thing not the greatest, but it’s mine and I’d rather not do without it.

Writing–How Will I NaNo with Three Jobs?

October 29, 2013October 24, 2013 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I had three jobs last year when I did NaNo and I came through it just fine, true. But last year I was only kid minding in the morning. Now I’m kid minding in the afternoon, too. Writing time may get a little scarce and/or awkward.

The days when I kid mind and teach will be the toughest. I usually have a spare hour, hour and a half before teaching that I can use to get down some words. The more the better, obviously, and this is probably when I’ll try to get the bulk of the writing done during the day. And I can write a little more by hand during afternoon kid minding. The rest will have to be done after dinner, if there are any words left to get.

I have a feeling that getting my absolute minimum will likely be my goal on those days. No overachieving will be happening, thanks.

Of course, I’m saying all of this with the anticipation that I will struggle on those days. It’s entirely possible that I won’t have much trouble, that the pressure of getting my words done in a short time will motivate me and I’ll get my word count for the day in no time.

And then I’ll end up struggling on the easy days when I have more time.

The balance must be maintained, you know.

I realize that I could always make up any low word counts on my days off. I try to get double the word count on the weekends anyway. But there’s something in me that wants to see my little word count graph steadily rising. Even if I win NaNo and hit my word count and finish my project, that little flatline will haunt me. I have a daily word count and I’m determined to stick to it.

If I sound a little paranoid, well, that’s how my brain operates. I anticipate the worst and prepare for it, even though more likely than not, I’m worrying for nothing. In this case, I’m probably worrying for nothing.

Whatever. I like to have a plan.

I’m Not Afraid of Bugs

October 18, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ 1 Comment

A couple of weeks ago, during my afternoon kid-minding, I picked the boy up from school and when we got out of the car, he suddenly jumped back. Apparently, he thought he saw a hornet. Naturally, I teased the boy a little bit because, dude, you jumped and squealed over a bug.

And then I got to thinking.

I’m the only person I know that doesn’t have one bug that causes me to freak out. None. They might startle me if they appear suddenly, but even that is a mild start and I certainly don’t squeal. I like some bugs better than others. I’m uncomfortable with the number of legs a centipede and millipede have, but never has one had me fleeing the room. I’m allergic to bees and hornets and wasps, but I’ve never flailed in their presence. Even June bugs, my least favorite bug for its habit of flying into my forehead like a drunk kamikaze pilot, don’t warrant much more than annoyance.

The number one feared bug, spiders, do nothing for me. I once had one living on my computer monitor for a year. I named him Douglas and often bitched at him to get out of the way when he’d decided to descend on a string and swing in front of the screen. Even getting bitten in the face by a spider didn’t cause me to turn on them.

I guess the whole bug fear thing baffles me because I can’t relate to it. I don’t get being afraid of something so much smaller than you. I can understand being wary of some bugs. Some spiders have really nasty venom and some bugs can be a bad sign for your house-life (hello, roaches and ants). I can understand not liking them. I’ll be the first to admit, they’re hard to like.

But I can’t relate to being afraid of them.

It actually makes me feel pretty weird. Like there’s a part of my brain not properly functioning. If everyone else is afraid, shouldn’t I be afraid, too? Why am I not afraid? What’s wrong with me? Am I broken?

And then I realized that no, I’m not broken. I’m part of a rare breed. I’m one of the un-afraids, whose responsibility in life is to protect those who are afraid. It is our job to rid the bugs from the presence of those afraid of them in order to keep the delicate peace and balance of the eco-system.

Also to tease those afraid of the bugs with the bugs, but that’s only a side-job to be done sparingly.

So, yeah, it’s a little weird that I’m not afraid of bugs, but at least it serves a purpose.

I Don’t Cover My Gray

September 12, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I’ve had gray hair since I was 28. I know this because after one of my nieces spotted one the other two descended like buzzards on road kill and for fifteen minutes the three of them combed through my hair looking for more like monkeys grooming for bugs. The only found a few, but they were still there.

I suppose at 28 I should have been upset that I was already sprouting the signs of old age, but really it didn’t bug me. Until they were pointed out, I didn’t notice them. After they were pointed out, I still didn’t notice them, unless I looked for them.

I’ve accumulated more over the years, but they’re still singular, spread out here and there throughout my hair. They don’t seem to be forming any definable pattern, like a cool streak or a lightning bolt or a swirl. They’re just scattered there, like highlights.

I think that’s one of the reasons I like them (and I do like my gray hair). They are like highlights, for now. Just a little added pizzazz to my plain brown locks. Besides, I’m sure I’ve earned more than a few of them.

I know that a lot of my friends color their gray hair and good for them. They associate gray hair with looking old and they don’t want to look old (they also might have more gray hair than I do, I don’t know since they, ya know, color their hair). I can dig that. Who wants to look like a grandma when they’re still only a mom? But I already look older, so a little gray hair isn’t going to hurt me none. I’m also lazy. After spending a good part of my late teens and early 20’s coloring my hair a lot, I’m reluctant to take up the habit again. I know just how much upkeep that sort of thing requires and I just don’t feel like it right now, especially for such small flaw.

There might come a day when I change my mind. When the gray goes from highlights to full on color and I’m getting offered a senior citizen discount 15 years before I’m eligible (and I might just take them if I’m offered, you don’t know), I might decide to look a little more my age and break out the L’Oreal. Especially if the senior citizen discounts aren’t that great.

But for now I’m cool with letting my years shine.

What Bill Watterson Said

September 6, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

The wonderful thing about Twitter is that it exposes me to things that I might not normally make contact with. Sometimes that can be a curse, but much of the time it’s a blessing.

Someone linked to a Slate article about this blog, particularly the Bill Watterson entry. Gavin Aung Than is a freelance cartoonist and for this blog, he takes inspirational quotes and turns them into cartoons. For the Bill Watterson quote, which was taken from a speech he did at Kenyon College in 1990, Mr. Than drew the cartoon in the style of Mr. Watterson (and did a pretty fabulous job, if you ask me, which no one did, but I’m saying it anyway).

Combining the essence of Calvin and Hobbes with a solid, meaningful quote is a great way to speak to me and this little bit did. It’s basically saying what I’ve been struggling with for the past six years in pursuing my life as a writer. I’m viewed as a failure because I’m not out to get that brass ring everyone’s heard tell about. I’m not doing it the way I’m supposed to.

I use my living situation, which most would cite as an example of failure, to my advantage so I can work my “not real” jobs to pay my bills while affording me the time I want to write. I did the same thing when I had a “real job” at Wal-Mart, only working part-time, refusing promotions and such so I could keep my writing time. When I took my last “real job”, the full-time deal in a cube, I really wasn’t feeling it, partially because my writing time was significantly cut down.

People thought I was terrible for quitting that last job. It was a “good” job. And it was a good job. But it wasn’t MY good job.

It’s my life and I want to do it my way and unfortunately, my way isn’t THE way, and I’d like people living THE way not to freak out about it so much. We all gotta run our own railroads.

Just like the comic. He quit the job that wasn’t fulfilling him to make model T-Rex’s and be a stay-at-home dad. That’s not MY life. Painting models and raising kids isn’t the train track I wanna be running on, but I totally get that sentiment.

And please, don’t bring up the whole “paying the bills” end of this scenario. “Not everyone can quick their jobs and ART!” (Seriously, every third comment on the Slate article I didn’t link to for just that reason was like this. Every second comment was bitching about how it was an insult to people who ARE ambitious and WANT that kind of life and, oh for fuck’s sake, go sit down somewhere because you’re insistence on missing the point is irritating). First of all, I PAY my bills and I’ve paid them since I was fifteen. And no matter what situation I’m in, bills getting paid comes first. Bills getting paid coming first is the important part of this scenario.

But I try to do it in such a way that was more fulfilling to me.

Kinda like I’m doing right now.

Writing–From Doubt to New Idea

September 4, 2013August 29, 2013 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

After the Short Story Disappointment of August, I found myself re-evaluating my worth, dedication, and ability as a writer. Periods of writer’s doubt are common for me. I think a lot of writers go through it once in a while. But this one had me really questioning myself as a writer.

In the end, I realized a few things about myself.

One, I’m always going to be a writer. Even if I can never make a living off of it, I’m always going to do it. It’s just what I do. Because when I sat down and asked myself, “Okay, self, what is it that you really want to do with your life?” the answer that came immediately was “Write”. Yes, I like to do other things. Yes, I make money other ways and I’m always exploring new ways to make money that I think would be fun and engaging. I’m really selfish in the fact that I want to do what I want to do as often as possible and I do what I can to make that happen. But the number one thing I want to do is write, so that’s what I’m going to do.

The second thing I realized is that I don’t think I’m good enough to make a living as a writer. Oh sure, plenty of crap writers get published and make bajillions of dollars (I don’t think I need to be naming names here). However, they also at least have an idea that is marketable, that the public drools for, that can be sold to the masses. I don’t have that. My brain doesn’t work that way. I don’t have the inherent ability to be popular and by extension, the stuff I write isn’t popular. Because of this I realize that I will probably never be able to sell a book to a traditional publisher. I just don’t have what they want because what they want is to make money (and I don’t blame them because that’s what we all want, baby). There is no need to waste an agent’s time because I don’t have the goods for the market. No fair asking them to sell bruised peaches to folks looking for shiny apples. They’ll never earn a living that way and neither will I.

The final thing I realized is that, you know, self-publishing might just be it for me. I AM good enough for that. And we’re rapidly moving away from the stigma of self-publishing being for losers. I do like self-publishing for the most part. I hate the formatting, but I like the control I have over what I publish, what the cover looks like, where I publish it, and so forth. I’m not a control-freak (some people might disagree), but I do like the autonomy of doing it myself. Yeah, it doesn’t translate into great sales, but it does provide that rush of accomplishment I get when something of mine does get published, but in this case, it’s just coming on my terms instead of someone else’s.

This latest batch of writer’s doubt has put a new perspective on who I am as a writer. It’s often too easy for me to put myself down because I’m not like other writers. Now I’m operating from the position that it’s okay if I’m not because I’m doing my own thing anyway. I shouldn’t be doing their thing. My own is just fine.

So pardon me while I groove.

What Does My Handwriting Say About Me?

August 30, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I get a lot of comments on my handwriting.

Not compliments.

Comments.

Because people are more fascinated than impressed with my handwriting.

As you can see from the picture, I definitely have my own style. It’s half-print, half-cursive. I use old-fashioned A’s and my lower case N’s look like a smaller version of the capital form. It’s pointy and a little sloppy. Like I said in the note, I made an effort to be neat. If I don’t, then it looks a whole lot worse.

Most of the time it looks worse.

If I’m writing for me, then neatness be damned. I can read it and that’s all that matters.

Except sometimes even I can’t read it.

When I was in college, I was a serious note-taker. I was good at picking out what I needed to know and writing it down, but this meant that I wrote a lot. And sometimes, in an effort to keep up, neatness ended up sacrificed on the alter of speed and in the end there were some things that even I couldn’t read. I admit that some of my psychology notes looked like I was possessed by a demon and started writing in tongues during the lecture. Forget asking anyone else to make a guess, not when they have so much trouble reading it in the first place.

Handy, in a way. Almost like writing in code. Except for the times when I can’t even break it.

The big thing that gets commented on the most is that my handwriting is so small. To be fair, the notebook paper I used for the picture is wide ruled, but it’s even noticeable when I use college ruled (my preference). Even my still-learning-to-write niece has commented on the smallness of it.

For some reason, my tiny handwriting drives people crazy. I don’t know why but that’s just more comfortable to me. Writing bigger feels foreign and awkward to me. Oh, when I was younger I tried to write bigger, using that soft, curvy style that most of the girls I was in school with used. But it never felt right and I couldn’t get it to stick. Inevitably, I’d go back to writing small and pointy letters. Bubble letters and I’s dotted with hearts just doesn’t come naturally to me. Small and sharp is the way I go.

I can’t help it.

It’s just my style.

If Everyone Is Saying It, It Must Be True

August 12, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I was taught that when someone gave me a compliment I was to say “thank you” whether I agreed with them or not. Don’t argue, don’t protest, just say your thanks and move on. Manners and all that.

And that’s what I do. “You have such pretty eyes.” “Thanks.” “I love your skirt!” “Thanks.” “I like the way you verbally eviscerated that guy.” “Thanks.”

It’s become an automatic response to the point that I don’t really pay much attention to the compliment (unless it’s a truly unique one or backhanded or related to weight-loss because I don’t think saying, “Hey, you’ve lost weight!” is much of a compliment, but that’s another post). It’s not that I don’t appreciate people saying nice things to me on occasion; I enjoy that very much. But I just don’t read that much into it.

When I got my hair cut, I expected some people to notice because it was such a dramatic change. And I anticipated the reactions of a few people would be saying they liked my hair, whether they really did or not, as a way of acknowledging the drastic change in a nice way. In short, I didn’t pay too much attention at first when people said they liked my hair because it was the people that I expected to say something.

But then people I didn’t expect started saying the same thing. My hair attracted more attention than I thought it would. And I started to think…”Gee, maybe everyone does think my hair looks nice.”

At some point I’ve moved from “people being nice about my hair” to “this is the general consensus about my hair”.

Which is weird for me because I don’t typically think of people holding good opinions of me. I know I’m regarded as a failure by certain people and society thinks I’m a fat waste of DNA, and I’d be lying if I said those opinions didn’t impact me at least somewhat, but my opinion of myself is so high that it kind of minimizes the worth of those opinions.

So here I am, already thinking my hair looks freakin’ fabulous, and people are backing me up. It’s just strange. I’ve never had this sort of positive consensus before, particularly about a physical aspect of my being. I mean it’s nice, but it’s strange.

This is one of the few instances that I like going with the crowd, especially since for once they’re agreeing with me. If everyone is saying it, then it must be true. My hair looks good.

I could go mad with this sort of power.

But no. I like my head able to fit through doorways.

Sensory Overload at the Movies

August 5, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I went to see The Conjuring with my roommate. She’d been really wanting to see it, but since it’s scary, she didn’t want to see it alone. After being subject to some bribery in the form of a Salted Caramel Pretzel milkshake from Steak n Shake, I was persuaded to see it with her. After reading some reviews, I thought it might not be too terrible, high praise from someone so finicky and critical of horror films, particularly recent stuff.

And I do think it was pretty good. I’m looking forward to watching it again on TV so I can really appreciate all of the elements at work.

Why TV? Why not see it in the theater again?

Simple.

Seeing movies in the theater has a tendency to be a downright painful experience for me.

I’ve found as I’ve gotten older that I have a certain sensitivity to sounds. Theaters are almost always too loud for me. Now that’s not too big of a deal most of the time, unless I’m seeing a film like The Conjuring that contains a lot of jump scares. A component of the jump scare, of course, is the sudden crash of sound that accompanies the visual shock. Yeah, those crashes hurt.

My roommate noticed that I was cringing at things I was hearing long before anyone else heard anything. There’s a moment in the film when a mix of voices are heard on a recording. I had to plug my ears. It was too much noise. I’ve been known to do this during action sequences, too, with a lot of gun shots and explosions. Too loud.

I’ve also found in my old age that the visual experience of movies is hard for me to deal with. Hi-def is great, I’m sure. But for me, in the theater, everything is too big, too close, too much and it’s hard for my brain to adjust. I’ve never been good with point of view shots, but put them up on the big screen and my eyes can’t handle it. Same with anything that has too much shaking. It makes my eyes cross. There’s no way I could have watched Open Water, Cloverfield, or The Blair Witch Project on the big screen. My brain wouldn’t have been able to take it.

As it was there were a few times during The Conjuring that I had to close my eyes, not because it was scary, but because I couldn’t take the shaking and/or point of view angles. The sudden swing of the camera made my eyes cross. There’s a whole swath of movie that took place in the cellar that I couldn’t see because it was all done from the POV of a handheld camera.

Some days are better than others when it comes to the visuals, but the noises are always brutal. My roommate suggested that the next time I go to the movies I wear ear plugs. It might help and I’m willing to try it.

Anything to tone down the overwhelming theater experience to bearable so I can at least enjoy a film based on the film and not how painful the sensory overload is.

Just another reason I’m a pain in the ass when it comes to going to the movies.

I Cut My Hair

July 29, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I didn’t cut it myself, of course. I went to my stylist. I’m not completely crazy.

But I did feel a bit daring.

The last time I got my hair cut before this time, in the shab style I’d been rocking and loving for the most part, I didn’t have the top layers cut short enough. I spent most of the time with my hair pulled back into a pony tail.

A couple of weeks ago I realized that this was stupid. My hair was already somewhat short and yet I had it back in a pony tail all the time. If I was going to do that, I should just cut it all off and call it good. It’d be the same thing.

Only it wasn’t exactly the same thing.

I’ve posted before about my hair and the hang-ups I have with. In short, I was afraid cutting my hair off in a pixie style would obliterate what little femininity that I think I project. A short cut on me would just add to my already somewhat intimidating demeanor.

Shorter short: I thought it’d make me less desirable, if that were even possible.

I thought, almost in jest, that I’d do the short cut when I was 40. Something to look forward to. Another way to shake-up a milestone birthday and make it fun. After all, by then who would care how short my hair was? When you’re 40 and a woman, you might as well be dead, at least that’s what I gather from society.

But a couple of weeks ago, I thought, why wait? Let’s just do it now and see what happens. Femininity be damned. I have boobs. That should be enough for people to know that I’m a girl, even though my youngest niece put my fears into words by saying that if I got my hair cut short, I’d look like a boy (she wasn’t convinced the boobs would be enough; honestly, neither was I).

You see, I’ve been in desperate need of a shake-up. I haven’t been feeling too peppy lately. In fact, I’ve been feeling downright blah, if you want to know the truth. Something had to give, something had to change. There’s very little in my life that I have the power to change right now. Too much of the changes I need require resources I just don’t have right now. But a revamp of my appearance. That I could afford.

I admit, I was more nervous the night before my hair appointment than I was the night before I had major surgery. I was more concerned with the negative outcomes of a haircut than I was the negative outcomes of a surgery, and considering those negative outcomes included death, I think that illustrates quite well just how vain I can be.

But it was more than just vanity. It was the excitement, the anticipation of doing something new, something different, of making a change. Things have been stuck in such a rut in my life that the idea of doing something as small as changing my hair style proved to be a huge mood booster.

It also ended up being quite the look booster, too. Turns out, the youngest niece doesn’t think I look like a boy (neither do I). She does, though, think I look like a completely different person.

I wouldn’t go that far, but I do think it turned out pretty well.

Don’t you?