Schrodinger’s Fatphobe

Last week some unfortunate DNA construct posted this embarrassingly bad take on Twitter. And as absolutely fetid as it is, it’s not at all an anomaly.

You see this sort of hostile bullshit is actually pretty typical. Now, I went into it in a Twitter thread when this bebop posted this, but I’m going to do it here again for easy reference, thoroughness, and posterity.

Dollars to donuts says that this human equivalent of megaphone feedback would also trip over themselves to tell a fat person they saw in public that they need to “put down the fork and get in the gym.” And yet, should a fat person have the audacity to utilize gym facilities for the purpose of fitness, well, it’s too fucking late and what the fuck are they doing there aside from embarrassing themselves.

This is Schrodinger’s Fatphobe.

You need to stop being fat, but also how dare you try to stop being fat.

You see the main problem this person has, that all fatphobes have, that most people who wouldn’t even call themselves fatphobic, but it’s a rhetoric so baked into society that no one can avoid it have is that fat people should not be seen in any context. Period. Society absolutely wants you to not be fat, but even in that context they want you to fix the moral failing that is your excessive weight in the solitude of your own home or some forgotten cave until you are fit to re-enter society a beautiful butterfly freed of your fat cocoon. Should you choose to remain a squishy caterpillar of a person, then it’s your own fault for daring to allow your existence to encroach upon public spaces and you deserve the ridicule you get.

Do you not see the conundrum?

Fat people exist. We exist in public. And we exist in various states of health with various fitness and/or weight loss goals. Some choose to pursue their goals in a gym. Some people take that walk around the block that fatphobes are so eager to insist upon. And some have no interest in this sort of thing, they simply leave their houses from time to time to do things, and that’s fine, too.

The point is that at no time do any of us need to be exposed to whatever dogshit opinions a fatphobe might be steaming in that rotten cantaloupe of a head of theirs. Shutting the fuck up is free and minding your business comes at no charge.

Let that last bit be a general reminder.


Full disclosure: My 255 pound self exercises, but I do not go to the gym. This has nothing to do with the worry about encountering some fatphobe with mouth-control issues. As you can see, I also have mouth-control issues. Somebody’s gonna cry and it ain’t gonna be me.

No, I don’t go to the gym because leaving the house to exercise gives me one more excuse not to exercise on the days I’m feeling unmotivated. It’s a hell of a lot easier for me to force myself to put on the ol’ sports bra if that’s ALL I have to do. Gotta work with your laziness, kids.

Do You Like Podcasts?

Music noteI am by no means an expert in the field of podcasts. Actually, as of right now, I only listen to three.

However, I know what I like and I like these.

I also like to pimp out the things produced by people I’m friendly with.

So this post is like all the birds and a stone.

Made for TV Mayhem– I have some cred here in saying that I actually started listening to this one from the beginning (even though I got busy and missed a couple of episodes and had to play catch up). I also have bonus cred because Amanda and I used to live-tweet Made for Me-TV movies on Friday nights and we were hilarious. I’m sorry you missed it. Back to the podcast. As the name implies, Amanda, Dan, and Nate talk about TV movies. These lovely people are funny, they’re knowledgeable, they gleefully point out how much make-up sex was in A Very Brady Christmas, and their lives have all been affected in some way by Dark Night of the Scarecrow. If you want to either re-live the glory days of TV movies (like those of us of a certain age remember and pine for) or learn about the classic TV flicks from people who can list every TV movie Wes Craven directed and truly appreciate Bad Ronald (while sometimes getting off-topic and talking about Dan’s mullet glory days), this is the podcast you need in your life.

The Strange and Deadly Show– Credit where it’s due: I discovered this podcast because Amanda raved about it and now I owe her some sort of gift of gratitude because I love this podcast. Chris and Tom discuss movies on the Section 3 list, a specific list of the Video Nasties that were no-no’s in England. Many of the movies on this list were probably considered no-no’s not because of the violence, but because they’re straight garbage and it’s in the reviews of those particular flicks that these two shine, though you can tell that they have a real love for film in a pure and unpretentious way. Whether they love it or hate it or are bored to tears by it (seriously, they really do take one for the team watching some of these films), they don’t hold back, each of them bringing their own distinct personalities to the table. I dare you to listen to one episode and not have an urge to listen to them all.

Spotlight: Social Marketing Gone Bad– I have some cred here, too, as Helene and I have been Twitter-friendly for quite a while. I don’t want to say how long, but I’ve been on Twitter since 2007 and she’s one of my oldest mutual follows. Anyway, Jay and Helene’s podcast focuses on social marketing and all of the ways that it can be bad (as the name of the show implies), which sounds boring if you’re not at all into social marketing, but I assure you it is not. Jay and Helene have a gift for sharing their wisdom in a witty and relatable way so even people like me (who doesn’t know shit from Shinola when it comes to social marketing) can benefit. Plus, they’re on top of all the latest social media news. If you want some social media knowledge delivered with some humor and swear words, you want this podcast.

All of the podcasts are on iTunes. If you listen and you like, be sure to leave feedback! Everybody likes to know they’re awesome and these folks have all passed that bar, so don’t be shy about letting them know.

Dear Twitter Followers…

TwitterSometimes when I gain new followers on Twitter that end up being real people, I feel like I should warn them about myself. This usually comes about because it’s obvious that they’re only following me because of one aspect of my Twitter and I’m not sure they’re aware of the other bits of nothing I spew there. I know that some of them must have had the smarts to read through my timeline to get an idea of what my Twitter business is about, but sometimes I wonder.

So, here are the important things I feel someone should know if they’re following me on Twitter:

-Mute the Cubs hashtag if you’re not a Cubs/baseball fan. I cannot stress this enough and I actually remind people to do this periodically. I am ANNOYING during baseball season. I live tweet the games and usually make terrible jokes and often try to find the silver lining in every loss. Obviously, this dies down during the off season, but things will still happen like trades and Cubs Con, so it’s best to be prepared.

-I sometimes tweet about TV shows currently in production. I try to be mindful of the spoilers. If I’m going to be tweeting a lot about a show, I’ll be sure to use the hashtag so you can mute it. Otherwise, enjoy my random, sporadic commentary.

-I’m more likely live tweet reruns, though (which shouldn’t be too surprising if you read my Twitter bio because it says right there that I’m a Rerun Junkie, among other things). Right now it’s mostly Fantasy Island and Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea since Addam’s Family hasn’t been on, but I’ve done it for Dragnet, Adam-12, Emergency!, The Golden Girls, The Rifleman, Gunsmoke, Big Valley, Perry Mason, and Ironside, among others. Just know that it can and probably will happen at some point and I don’t always use convenient hashtags to mute.

-I will favorite anything and everything. I favorite what I like, what amuses me, what I want to be able to find again later. I don’t abide by any established favoriting rules. I’m a rebel, baby.

-I’m not funny all the time. I try to be at least somewhat amusing because I’m not much of anything else (informative or political or current event-ish). So if you’re following me because of one tweet you found really funny, hold on to that tweet. Because there’s a good chance I’ll never be that funny to you again.

-I tweet about my life. Usually just the non-boring bits, but also the boring bits. I tweet when I’m going to a job or when I’m going to sleep because some people like to know why the hell I’m not replying to them. Call them health and welfare checks, if you will.

-Sometimes I tweet a lot. There are days when I tweet so much you might think I’m not doing anything else.

-Sometimes I don’t tweet very much. There are days I might only have one or two tweets. If I’m not feeling social or interesting, then I don’t force myself to be. That’s dumb.

-I will probably follow you back. I like interesting people and I’m not a social media snob. If I think we can relate, then I’ll follow you.

-I am finicky about who I @, though. I stop myself a lot from replying to people a lot. I consider this a courtesy because off-line I usually don’t take advantage of the pause to think if what I’m about to say isn’t as funny as I think it is. Also, I don’t reply to a lot of people’s tweets because I don’t think I’m cool enough to be tweeting at that particular person.

-I will unfollow you and not feel bad about it. Sometimes there’s no hard feelings. You’re just not my type. Sometimes it’s because you turned out to be something a lot more distasteful than I initially thought. Quick route to being unfollowed: be a bigot. Any kind of bigot. Doesn’t matter. I’m a very intolerant person. I will not tolerate your active dedication to being a piece of shit.

-And finally…I’m way cooler on Twitter than I am anywhere else on the Internet or off of it. Truth.

Get My Good Side

English: A photo of a Voigtlander Vito II came...

I’m writing this post because I’m in the mood for a new Twitter avatar. I like to change it every couple of months. It alleviates boredom.

You would think this would be an easy task, however, I am one vain little fat girl. I want to look as pretty as I can in my pictures which isn’t always easy.

First of all, I’m limited with what DNA gave me. Filters and cropping only do so much. I’ve got what I got. And while I am fat and acknowledge that I’m fat, I do my best to make that fat look good.

Second of all, with this DNA configuration, I’m not exactly photogenic. You know those people that you can photograph while they’re wearing sweats, no make-up, haven’t brushed their hair in six days, and they’re hungover, but they still look really good? I am not one of those people. I’m also not one of those people that can’t take a good picture to save their life. You know those people. The ones that everyone says they look much better in person no matter when, how, and where the picture was taken or how much work the person put into their appearance prior to the picture being taken.

I’m somewhere in the middle. Some days I’m quite photogenic and with little effort I can take a pretty picture. Other days, it doesn’t matter how many pictures I take. From every angle, I’ve got only badness going on.

Then there’s the kind of picture I want to take. Am I in the mood for playful or serious or sexy? Do I want a solo shot, or do I want to pull a group shot from Facebook and use it? Much of the time, the picture I want to use is the picture I don’t have. Then when I try to take the picture I’d like to use, it doesn’t work out.

Sometimes I settle. Sometimes I wait until the timing is better. Sometimes I’m impatient which leads to frustration. All over a tiny little picture that most people don’t really pay attention to.

But I can justify a little bit. My Twitter is my main forum. Yes, I have a blog and a Facebook page, but Twitter is where I’m most active. I have over 700 followers now (what?). If I was going to brand myself, KikiWrites would be it. As such, the face on that profile is kind of important to me. It’s representing me. So I kind of have a right to be picky about the picture I put out there.

On the other hand, if I could let go of a little of my vanity, this would be a whole lot easier and I wouldn’t get so unnecessarily frustrated.

It’s not easy trying to be presentable.