If you’ve been following this blog for a while, then you know that I did several posts focusing on “bad words”, words with negative connotations that had been used by friends and family to describe me.
If you’ve been following this blog for a while, then you might have also noticed that I haven’t done a bad words post in quite a while.
I’ve been thinking about why that is and the best thing I can come up with is that I’m burnt out on talking about the negative aspects of myself. I still have them, they still exist, that’s for sure. But I’m bored with pointing them out and discussing them.
Does that sound egotistical? Well, we can just add that to the bad word list, I suppose.
The point of those posts was that I wanted to show people that I knew of my faults, acknowledge them, and tried to work to improve them. I wanted people to know that I was working on some of my bad points, even if I hadn’t gotten to them all yet. More importantly, I wanted people, particularly friends and family, to know that I heard what they said, knew what they said, and took those bad words to heart.
When I wrote the first notes on the bad words posts, it was quite cathartic. I knew I had bad points and here they were written down in concrete form and I was going to admit them and share them with the world. But as the posts went on, I didn’t get that cathartic feeling anymore. It all seemed like attention-seeking. Look at me! See what I horrible person I am! At least I can admit it! See how brave I am!
And that’s not what I wanted.
I wanted it to be an honest admission and discussion, something genuine and real. It started to feel like a reality show and I don’t like reality shows. I got bored. I got tired. Under the spotlight of the blog (what little spotlight this blog has), the emotional release of acknowledging those bad words dried up like a popsicle left in the sun. All I’ve got left is a sticky mess and stick not suitable for any sort of craft construction.
So, I’ve declared a moratorium on bad words. Oh, they still exist and they still apply to me. People are still saying them, to my face and behind my back. I’m still working on changing them to good words.
But, I’m just not saying them right now.