Hey, look! That’s me! I am that fat girl in the picture. When I usually post pictures on the Internet, it’s usually just a head shot because, come on, I have a gorgeous face. Upper body shots are usually designed to highlight the breasts because I paid for them and they look good in the right bra/shirt combo. I don’t try to hide the fact that I’m fat; I tell people that all the time. I just try to put up the most flattering picture I can because, hey, I’m just as narcissistic as the next person.
I know I’m fat. However, when I look in the mirror I don’t see the same fat girl everyone else sees. It’s like the opposite of those skinny girls that look in the mirror and see a bloated cow. I don’t necessarily see a super skinny chick, but I don’t see a girl as fat as I am. I see someone more voluptuous, with curves in all the right places and some of the wrong ones.
But I’m not out of touch with reality. I know that what I see and what other people see aren’t the same thing. At Casino Night last week, waiting for the elevator, I had two stereotypically beautiful women in evening wear give me a disgusted once over before turning away. I know what they were thinking. How dare a fat girl wear a short, tight, black dress?
Well, I dared and I looked good.
And that’s the thing, isn’t? I know what I think about myself, but I don’t let it cloud the reality of what society thinks about me.
I make jokes about myself. I make harsh, truthful statements about my weight, too, and it tends to upset the people who know me. That’s because they don’t see me as “fat” because “fat” is bad and they don’t think I’m bad. I’m Christin! I’m Kiki! I’m Chesh! I’m Skitz! I’m good, not bad!
Well, I am fat. It’s an accurate description of my physical state. And I get treated differently (often poorly) because of that physical trait.
Scroll back up and look at that picture. You see those hips? There’s actually not a whole lot of padding to them. I have naturally wide hips. And those shoulders? Not a lot of fat on those, either. I’m built to last, baby. The point I’m making is that I could improve the perceptions that people have about me by losing weight, except I’d never be able to lose enough. I’m not built to be a size zero. I’m not sure I’m even built to be a size 8. I could starve, exercise, nip, tuck, and suck myself as thin as possible and it still wouldn’t be enough to make me acceptable by society’s standards.
I’d also look really gross. I’d have to lose all of my body fat and most of my muscle mass to even get close and even then, my bone structure would render it all for naught.
For the most part, despite society’s best efforts to change my mind in various abusive ways, I’m good with the way I look. I can work with what I’ve got and come up with something pretty damn good looking. Do I want to lose weight? Yeah. I’ve got about 35 pounds I need to get rid of to get back down to where I was. But this weight loss is motivated by feeling better. The reduction of my ass size is just a bonus.
I’m a fat girl. I will never not be fat by society’s standards. Now you all can see exactly how I am fat. So when you read something I write and enjoy it, or retweet me on Twitter, or like a Facebook post, or buy something I’ve written or made, you’re enjoying and supporting a fat girl.
I hope you can handle that.
Kiki Writes About... 
I think that it’s great that you have a positive view of yourself. That’s being in general, but especially since most of society is standardized. I’m one of those people that think that body standards are stupid. If we were all made the same, life would be boring. It’s also good that you can be self-deprecating while at the same time still have that same positive view of yourself, which is good.
I got that way about myself over the last couple of years. I’ve always been skinny, sometimes too skinny for my height, but in the last five years I’ve gained about 50 lbs so that I’m now about 205 or so. That was a bit of a wake up call. I didn’t feel good at that point and, while I’ve never been keen on my own looks, I knew I didn’t like not feeling good. So as long as you feel good, that’s the best part.
From a physical perspective, every girl I’ve ever dated has been, for choice of a different word, chubby. It’s not been by choice, but I’ve always been attracted to anyone I’ve gone out with in a physical sense. That said, I’m one of those people who think that physical and cerebral beauty go hand in hand, but I’m also one of those people who think that the human body needs to have some tangibility to it and not just be bones with skin and whatnot. Thin to me is just not attractive unless it has some uniqueness to it. It’s what I find so attractive about my wife, she is unique and I find that sexy.
Excellent points, Brian. So many girls/woman today strive to look the same. I’d rather look like me, whatever that is on any given day. Variety is a GOOD thing! We all have different tastes that need to be met. And I agree that feeling better is so much more important than fitting into some sort of societal mold. The decisions I make about losing weight are made for my HEALTH, not my looks. I’ve been told before that I’d be so much prettier if I lost weight. Well, losing weight can change some things, but it can’t change DNA! I’m stuck with this face no matter how much weight I lose. Society better just learn to deal with it. I know I have.
I agree. I’ve never forced anyone I’ve known or dated to lose weight for any other reason than to be healthful. Looking good and feeling good are inclusive, I think. I felt a lot better once I started exercising (other than playing footy), and hopefully it will be better once the medicine for my psoriasis kicks in. I think it’s about how you carry yourself and your mindset and I think you carry yourself very well.
You’re right, Brian, looking good and feeling good do go together to an extent. The way you carry yourself is a cue to other people how to think about you. Maybe they might think I’m a fat disgusting slob, but I still get treated with some measure of respect because I respect myself.
Kick-ass post by a kick-ass writer. Your confidence and sense of self really shines in your words. This was a wonderful post worth reading, because it shows that we all have value, no matter how society may few us.
You are as beautiful as your words, keep up the great work on both. Be happy…be you!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Trinae. You’re right, we do all have value and I hope more people come to accept their own worth. I hope that you, too, be happy and be you!