I’m Pretty Much Kind of a Bad Person

We’ve discussed before all of the bad words I am, but I think I should just come clean and admit that I’m pretty much kind of a bad person. You just don’t know it because I don’t come right out and act like it. I want to, but I don’t.

The huge benefit about conducting so much social interaction via the Internet is the backspace button, so I’m able to phrase things in a socially acceptable, just so way. You also can’t see my face so you have no idea how many times during the day I roll my eyes. Because I do. A lot. To the point that without an occasional application of WD-40, stuff starts grinding up in there.

For example, I don’t think anyone’s kids are that damn cute. Hey, there, parents. You’re supposed to love your kids and think they’re the greatest thing on the planet. That’s kind of part of your job description. But they’re not my kids, so don’t expect any return in kind. Even if I like your kids and agree that they are pretty cool, I will begin rolling my eyes at kid-bragging overload. Some bragging is justified. I know that and I’m cool with it. But there’s a line that parents can so easily cross on any given day and I want to respond to their 15th Instagram showcasing how absolutely adorable their offspring is by saying, “Dude. I get it. Your kid is the best thing ever. Now slow that roll and post a picture of your lunch. I’d like a change of subject now.”

Here’s another good example: people getting sick. People do get sick. It’s winter. That’s what happens. And I’m not picking on all sick people, mind you, just the ones that post about how they’re sick and they NEVER get sick.

Except for the last several times they’ve complained that they’re sick.

This also goes for the people who say they never go to the doctor except for the documented evidence that they’ve been to the doctor more in the last six months than I’ve been in the last decade.

It’s no big deal in the grand scheme, but this shit annoys me. It’s humble bragging/sympathy gaining garbage and it’s pretty damn tiresome and I roll my eyes every time. Sorry, kids, I can’t help it. I’m not much in the way of sympathetic to begin with. Trying to milk that bone like that ain’t going to get you marrow. I’m just saying.

I’ve probably rolled my eyes at every person I know. You put it on Twitter and/or Facebook and I read it, it’s probably happened. Your thoughts on child-rearing, gun rights, drug use, the president, the Baseball Hall of Fame, your favorite TV show, Nickelback, gay marriage, taxes, hunting, the NHL, unions, Channing Tatum, teachers, rich people, the Superbowl, Nicki Minaj, the police, smoking, naps…anything and everything, has probably elicited an eye roll from me at some point.

I’m an equal opportunity asshole. I think bad things about everyone at some point.

Here’s the thing. I fully expect the behavior to be reciprocated. If I run off at the mouth, on the Internet or in real life, then I expect to cause some eyes to roll. It’s only fair. And I’m sure I deserve it, too. I’m not immune to sounding like a complete idiot or a total jackass.

I know I’m not the only one out there that’s a pretty much kind of bad person.