Do I Want Them or Do I Want To Be Them? A Bi Conundrum

The common belief about those of us who are bisexual is that we’re confused. People think that that the bi+ identity isn’t truly valid because really, we just need to pick a side. This is merely a way for us to safely explore our sexuality before settling on being straight or gay. It’s a pervasive thought not only in the straight community, but in the queer community as well.

And while this is emphatically not true (even if some folks do make a pit stop on their way to the label they feel most comfortable with), I will admit that some of us are confused. But not in the way you might think.

Sometimes when it comes to attraction, it can be difficult to discern why we’re attracted to someone. Is it because we want them? Or because we want to be them?

I’ll give you an example.

Kirsten Vangsness is one of my long-time crushes. She’s beautiful, she has a fab style, she’s funny, she’s talented, and she’s the sweetest thing this side of peach pie. How could I not make total heart eyes in her direction? I’m full on chin in hand, wistful sighing over here. She’s a dream.

But there have been times that I’ve questioned this pointless crush. As I said, Kirsten has fab style. It’s fun and funky and sassy and whimsical. And I’ll be honest, I wish I could rock it like she does. Not to mention, she’s wicked talented with her acting and her writing. I’m a little jealous, really.

So, I have periodically asked myself, “Am I really crushing on Kirsten Vangsness? Or do I just wish I was her?”

These are the kinds of questions I find myself asking as a bi+ woman:

“Do I really think she has a great butt? Or do I wish I had a butt like that?”

“Do I really want to touch her boobs? Or do I wish my boobs were that touchable?”

“Do I really think she’s hot? Or do I just want that outfit?”

“Am I really that into her? Or is this just a Single White Female situation in the making?”

And because I’m me, this sort of questioning doesn’t even apply solely to other women I find attractive. I’ll have this sort of crisis with guys I find attractive, too.

“Do I think he’s cute? Or do I just want that necklace?”

“Do I want to bang him? Or do I just want that shirt?”

“Do I think he’s funny? Or do I just want to steal his jokes?”

“Do I really think he’s perfect? Or do I just wish I were that cool?”

These are the sorts of questions I end up asking myself. It’s a constant process to suss out the true source of my attraction. And I’m willing to admit that sometimes the answer to all of the questions is yes.

Sometimes I do want to be with them AND be them.

Which is a different kind of conundrum.

But, baby, I’m still bi.

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