Hello, Real People!

March 25, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I’m not sure how many real people read this blog. I know a few do because I actually know them. The rest, though…I can’t be sure.

I know I get a lot of canned ham views. It’s reflected in the comments that end up in my canned ham folder. Which, by the way, I delete without really looking at, so if you leave me a comment and it never shows up on the blog, it’s a good possibility that it’s because your realness wasn’t recognized and it ended up deleted. Sorry about that.

This isn’t me complaining about my lack of page views or whatever. This is just me saying that I don’t know how many of those hits are real.

Oh, I know some of them probably are because of the search items that lead them here. I’m sure some of those people are pretty disappointed, too. I’m thinking of the ones like “Is Harris from Barney Miller gay” and “Starsky and Hutch do it” and “Jeff Samardzija girlfriend” (I wonder how many hits this entry will get from mentioning those phrases). But those looking for a recipe for pickle wraps are probably thrilled I exist.

I feel like this is also a good opportunity to point out that I don’t know what Randolph Mantooth is doing in April, I don’t know what knee brace dancing is, I have no pictures of Steve McGarrett shirtless, I don’t know what would happen if a dragon hid Easter eggs, and I’m not sure what “boobs magic revenge” is, but I’m claiming it as the name of my next band.

(Those are some of the tamer search items from the last thirty days. The people looking for porn are REALLY disappointed.)

It’s the days when I get fifty views and two of them are for the entry I posted, or I didn’t even make a post. When forty-eight of my fifty views for a day are on the “homepage/archives” then either someone is reading my life story or there’s a canned hammer in Canada working over time. That’s the only thing I can think of.

It would just be nice if I could take a head count of the real people that stop by. Like I said, I know it’s not an overwhelming number and I’m not crying for more. I appreciate the ones that I have. And this isn’t a demand for comments and an appeal for lurkers to stop lurking. I can totally relate to not feeling the urge to wave and the joy of reading without the pressure of speaking. I’d just like my numbers to tell me who the real people are and when they stop by.

So, hello, real people! Thanks for reading!

“You Should Lose Weight Because…”

March 11, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Not-fat people have this interesting delusion that for some strange reason it’s never occurred to fat people to lose weight. And they indulge in this delusion by telling fat people reasons they should lose weight because clearly the fat people just need some good arguments for it.

Okay, I’m being a little harsh. After all, the not-fat people are well-meaning. They’re just trying to be helpful. Their hearts are in the right places, but their logic is off drinking a kale smoothie.

So, let me help you non-fat people out a little bit. Here are two things that you shouldn’t say to a fat person in an effort to convince them to lose weight (actually, it would serve you very well to just NOT try to convince a fat person to lose weight in the first place; you do you, okay?). These are the two I’ve heard the most and therefore, they’re the ones I despise the most.

You’d be prettier if you lost weight.

No, scooter, I wouldn’t. I’d be THINNER if I lost weight. Unfortunately, my physical defects, scars, stretchmarks, crooked nose, crooked teeth, bad skin, etc., would not be affected in any way by a weight loss. In fact, my defects could be increased if I lost weight too fast because then I’d have loose skin to go with it.

Also, the general look of my face wouldn’t change much as I tend to not carry much weight in my face to begin with. This questionably attractive mug would remain questionably attractive.

So, no, I would not be prettier if I lost weight, just thinner. And thinner ain’t necessarily prettier.

You’d be so much healthier if you lost weight.

This statement operates under two false premises. One, that thinness somehow equates to health. It doesn’t. Halle Berry is thin, but she has diabetes. Ditto Mary Tyler Moore. Valerie Harper is thin and she’s got brain cancer. Maura Tierney had breast cancer. Teri Garr has multiple sclerosis. My mother is thin and her cholesterol has always been sky high.

Are there health problems related to being fat? There can be. But many of those health problems can also be related to being sedentary and eating like shit, which thin people are also guilty of doing.

My point is that you can’t typically tell by looking at someone’s size whether or not they’re healthy.

Which brings me false premise number two. You have no idea what my health is. Unless you’re my doctor (and you’re not because I’m currently between doctors at the moment), you’ve got no clue what my blood pressure, blood sugar, pulse, cholesterol, or any of that is. You have no idea what my diet is or how much I exercise or what illnesses, disorders, or syndromes I might have.

So when you tell someone to lose weight for “their health” you’re making an awfully big assumption about that person’s health.

And you know what happens when you make assumptions, don’t you?

Here’s the thing. When you (uninvited, as it usually happens) argue for someone to lose weight to “be healthier” or “be prettier”, you might mean well, but in reality, all I’m hearing is that you want that person to lose weight because you’re uncomfortable with the way that person looks. You’re speaking in a code programmed by society.

So, the next time you non-fat people try to be helpful, help yourself.

Shut up.

Inventing With Squiggy

March 4, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Upon reading David L. Lander’s book Fall Down Laughing, there were a couple of sentences in one of the final chapters of the book that really struck a cord with me.

“When I was asked as a kid what I wanted to do for a living when I grew up, I remember answering the question by saying that there was a great job for me out there, it just hadn’t been invented yet.”

He goes on to say that the jobs he’d had, The Credibility Gap and Laverne and Shirley, didn’t exist until he walked in and invented them.

“All my life I had traveled the path of invention, making it up as I went along.”

I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone else explain the way I look at my life so accurately. I didn’t think anyone else did it like me. That’s not a brag; just an admission of loneliness and isolation.

I’m surrounded by people that did things by the book. I can’t even find the book, let alone read it. There’s really no one to relate to when it comes to discussing my world. To them, I’m a slacker, a failure, an idiot. I should have gone to college and gotten a real job and gotten married and had kids and all of that stuff that I was supposed to do, that normal people do.

But in my head, I knew that wasn’t going to be my bag. I knew there was a job out there for me, but it hadn’t been invented yet. I just didn’t put that thought into those words. And I didn’t know what that job was.

I still don’t know what it is.

I haven’t invented it yet.

Okay, yes, I am a writer and I do work several day jobs to support myself, but that all isn’t the same thing. Mr. Lander was a writer and an actor and worked day jobs, but his job hadn’t been invented yet. Do you see what I mean? My job hasn’t been invented yet.

I’m working on it.

I’m writing. I’m learning. I’m trying. It’s not easy. I mean there are some things I’m just not good at, things that make inventing a job even harder. Mr. Lander definitely possesses some skills that I don’t.

But that doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen. I’m going to fail a lot, but I’m going to get it right eventually. I’m going to invent that gig that’s meant for me. It’ll probably end up looking like Frankenstein’s monster, but I’ll love it just the same.

Pass me that beaker, please.

Lazzzzy

February 25, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

My mother used to tell me all the time how lazy I was. It rated right up there with selfish and stealing as an unforgivable sin. I hated it when she called me lazy. There are so many implications in that word, all of them negative, and none of them that I wanted to apply to me.

But now that I’m older, I admit it. I suffer from extreme bouts of laziness at times.

There are some days when I’m absolutely unstoppable. I start early and check off my To Do list in short order, no matter how difficult. I get everything done before noon and then celebrate with reruns and Internet porn all afternoon.

And then there are days when I am so filled with don’t-want-to that I’m still working at nine o’clock at night because I refuse to leave a To Do list unfinished. The effort that it takes just to get started is more than I want to expend, even though I know that once I get going, I’ll get it all done in no time.

It is laziness, I know. Don’t-want-to laziness that I’ve carried with me all of my life. In my head, all of the projects seem bigger and harder than they really are. I think about how much I don’t feel like doing something and so I put it off until I can’t put it off any more. And then when I finally get around to doing whatever it is, I get it done in less time and usually with less difficulty than I imagined and I kick myself in the ass for not getting it done and over with sooner.

For example, I need to do my taxes. But I don’t feeeeeel like it. I know it’s not difficult. I know it’d probably only take me 20-30 minutes to get it all done. My taxes have never been that complicated. I might as well just get it done and over with.

But, like I said. I don’t feeeeeel like it.

That feeling rules me sometimes. That kind of laziness. I don’t feel like it so I don’t. Sometimes I make myself. Sometimes I don’t have a choice. But, if I have a choice, then I’ll make the choice to put it off.

So, yeah, my mother was right. I am lazy. I’ll probably always be lazy.

But so long as I have those excellent productive days, I’ll keep breaking even.

Even when I don’t feeeeeel like it.

Name That Tune

February 18, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

The other day my niece, the middle one, asked me what my all-time favorite song was. Without hesitation I answered.

“Sunny Girlfriend by The Monkees.”

“I don’t know that one,” she said. “What’s your second all-time favorite song?”

“As We Go Along by The Monkees.”

Frustrated, she sighed loudly as nine year olds in that house are prone to do and said, “What’s your all-time favorite song that’s NOT by The Monkees?”

Now, had she not put that stipulation on it, I was readily prepared to answer “You Told Me”, but with that stipulation, I had to think.

And I found myself stumped. Put on the spot like that I couldn’t think of one song that I could call my favorite that wasn’t by The Monkees.

The question has since haunted me.

I love music. I’m not one of those snobby, educated music lovers. I just like music, period. If I like the tune, put it in my ears and I’ll groove. I like all kinds of stuff. Country, rock, hip hop, rap, pop, whatever. Name a genre and I can probably think of a song in it that I like. There are very few artists that I can honestly say I don’t like. Most of the time it’s just because they haven’t put out a song yet that I like. I even like a Nickelback song. I’m still waiting on Justin Beiber to do something I want to hear, though.

The point is that a music lover such as myself, with such non-discriminating tastes, whose iPod plays 80’s synth then Southern rock then big band then gangsta rap then disco should be able to think of a favorite song that’s NOT The Monkees.

I couldn’t do it and I still can’t. Not really.

The closest I could come to answering the question was hours later when “Car Wash” by Rose Royce came on the radio. That’s a song that I will drop everything to groove to. It makes me want to put on booty shorts and roller skates. I love that song.

But, though I love it, I couldn’t think of it when I needed it. So it can’t very well be my favorite non-Monkees song, now could it?

I don’t think I have one. I think my moods dictate my preferences too much. The Monkees are my all-time favorite band so that music isn’t as affected by my whims. Everything else, though, is up for grabs.

And you know what? I kind of prefer it that way.

If the middle niece asks again, that’s what I’ll tell her.

I bet she sighs.

That Personal Line

February 4, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I mentioned in my last Megalomania post that I’ve got an imaginary line drawn in some imaginary sand in regards to what I will and will not share on the blog. And I will be the first to admit that it’s a confusing, variable line. More like a squiggle, really.

I have no trouble letting the world know that there are a lot of bad words that apply to me, but I shy away from really getting into the extent to which they apply. For example, I’m paranoid and I know it, but I hesitate to get into how paranoid I can be and what things I can be paranoid about. I want you to take my word for it, I suppose. To go into any more detail is just too revealing. It opens up the thick skin I’ve developed just a little too much.

There are things that other people would consider personal that I have no trouble talking about. My boobs for instance. I’ve done several blog posts about my boobs and my reduction surgery. Ask me any question about my titties and more than likely, I’ll have an unembarrassed answer ready for you. While some women (most women, dare I say) would consider their bosoms to be off-topic, mine have been sliced and stitched and pierced and seen and drawn on, so there’s really no secrets left for them to have. I might as well talk about them.

But ask me about what I’m writing right now and I’ll probably be pretty vague in my answer (once I get over the shock of someone asking me what I’m writing because that doesn’t happen very often). It’s partially a jinx thing. I’m afraid I’ll jinx myself by talking about a project that’s not ready to be talked about. It’s also a personal thing. To talk about what I’m writing is to open myself up for judgment and I think I get judged enough as it is.

Hell, it’s only been recently that I’ve started to really come clean and willingly offer up that I am a writer. Period. Everything else I do is to support that career goal. It’s made for some interesting job interviews.

I’ll talk all about being single and bisexual and that sort of thing, but don’t ask me who I’m attracted to or who I have a crush on now because you’re not going to get that from me. I even shy away from admitting to celebrity lusts. That sort of thing, I think, shows too much of my heart and I’d really rather not have it broken. Or even bruised. Give me a writing rejection over a personal rejection any day.

I imagine it’s confusing for people reading this blog. She’ll talk about this, but not that. Hey, I thought she was supposed to be honest. Why won’t she say this, this, and this?

I can only say so much, you know? And I don’t want to talk about what makes me uncomfortable. Because that gets transmitted in the post and I don’t want to make any of the few folks reading this blog uncomfortable, too.

I’m awkward enough in my life. I need one place where I’m not. Let that place be here.

Hopefully, you guys don’t feel awkward here, too.

Keeping It on the Lighter Side

January 28, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I come up with a post that I want to do for Monday Megalomania and I think it’ll be really good. And then after thinking on it for a while I end up changing my mind, shoving it to the back burner of “not right now”.

The reason?

It’s too heavy.

I don’t mean that in specific gravity terms. I mean it in subject terms. I mean that it’s kind of a serious business post and upon review, I think that maybe it’s not the best time for that. Or I think that maybe it’s a little TOO revealing. Sure the goal of this blog is for me to be honest about my life and my work and who I am as a person, but there’s a line I’ve drawn in the sand that sometimes I’m willing to blur and sometimes I’m willing to crossover and sometimes I fill it with cement. I want to be honest and revealing, but I only want to reveal so much. Like a burlesque dancer, people only THINK they see everything. That’s me on this blog. I give you enough to get the idea, but I don’t show you everything.

Getting back the heavy.

Maybe it’s because I’m a Capricorn and Capricorn’s are known for being very serious that I don’t want to be seen that way. I deal with much of my life with humor and I don’t want anyone to get the impression that I take things too seriously, or worse, that I take myself too seriously. I want my sense of humor (which many people feel is one of my few shining qualities) to show through.

Some blog posts are too serious for that. Or at least I think they are. I don’t think I can inject enough humor into them to make them worth reading. They’re worth talking about, some of the topics anyway, but if I can’t do it my way, then I don’t want to do it.

And so those posts are put to the side until a time comes when I think it’s okay to be a little more serious or until I think I can be light enough to balance the heavy or, in the more rare occasion, I think this bit of information is okay to share.

I feel weird about it sometimes. Like maybe I’m cheating. But since I’m the one that made the rules in the first place, and since I’m free to change the rules any time I want, then I guess it’s really impossible for me to cheat.

That’s right. This blog is one big game of Calvinball.

And I think I score more points going light.

Winner!

I’m Pretty Much Kind of a Bad Person

January 14, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ 2 Comments

We’ve discussed before all of the bad words I am, but I think I should just come clean and admit that I’m pretty much kind of a bad person. You just don’t know it because I don’t come right out and act like it. I want to, but I don’t.

The huge benefit about conducting so much social interaction via the Internet is the backspace button, so I’m able to phrase things in a socially acceptable, just so way. You also can’t see my face so you have no idea how many times during the day I roll my eyes. Because I do. A lot. To the point that without an occasional application of WD-40, stuff starts grinding up in there.

For example, I don’t think anyone’s kids are that damn cute. Hey, there, parents. You’re supposed to love your kids and think they’re the greatest thing on the planet. That’s kind of part of your job description. But they’re not my kids, so don’t expect any return in kind. Even if I like your kids and agree that they are pretty cool, I will begin rolling my eyes at kid-bragging overload. Some bragging is justified. I know that and I’m cool with it. But there’s a line that parents can so easily cross on any given day and I want to respond to their 15th Instagram showcasing how absolutely adorable their offspring is by saying, “Dude. I get it. Your kid is the best thing ever. Now slow that roll and post a picture of your lunch. I’d like a change of subject now.”

Here’s another good example: people getting sick. People do get sick. It’s winter. That’s what happens. And I’m not picking on all sick people, mind you, just the ones that post about how they’re sick and they NEVER get sick.

Except for the last several times they’ve complained that they’re sick.

This also goes for the people who say they never go to the doctor except for the documented evidence that they’ve been to the doctor more in the last six months than I’ve been in the last decade.

It’s no big deal in the grand scheme, but this shit annoys me. It’s humble bragging/sympathy gaining garbage and it’s pretty damn tiresome and I roll my eyes every time. Sorry, kids, I can’t help it. I’m not much in the way of sympathetic to begin with. Trying to milk that bone like that ain’t going to get you marrow. I’m just saying.

I’ve probably rolled my eyes at every person I know. You put it on Twitter and/or Facebook and I read it, it’s probably happened. Your thoughts on child-rearing, gun rights, drug use, the president, the Baseball Hall of Fame, your favorite TV show, Nickelback, gay marriage, taxes, hunting, the NHL, unions, Channing Tatum, teachers, rich people, the Superbowl, Nicki Minaj, the police, smoking, naps…anything and everything, has probably elicited an eye roll from me at some point.

I’m an equal opportunity asshole. I think bad things about everyone at some point.

Here’s the thing. I fully expect the behavior to be reciprocated. If I run off at the mouth, on the Internet or in real life, then I expect to cause some eyes to roll. It’s only fair. And I’m sure I deserve it, too. I’m not immune to sounding like a complete idiot or a total jackass.

I know I’m not the only one out there that’s a pretty much kind of bad person.

2013: Getting Louder

January 7, 2013January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

My goal for 2013 is to be louder.

I want to be louder about who I am and what I want and what I’m doing.

I want to be louder in my support of my friends and the really cool things they do and the cool people they are.

I want to be louder in my support of my family, too.

I want to be louder about needing help and support.

I want to be louder about being a writer.

I want to be louder about being a Rerun Junkie.

I want to be louder about being a bad fan.

I want to be louder about being a fat girl.

I want to be louder about being a fat girl belly dancing.

I want to be louder about my fashion sense.

I want to be louder about getting what I want.

I want to be louder about having a good time.

In short, I want 2013 to be one hell of a noisy year.

So, About 2012…

December 31, 2012January 22, 2016 ~ Kiki Writes ~ Leave a comment

I was going to do some kind of reflective, year-end post about 2012, but I’ll be honest…I don’t really feel like it.

Most of it was pretty boring. I did boring, routine things. I struggled to pay my bills, used up a big part of my savings, felt like a complete failure, failed to meet many of the writing goals, and totally lacked any kind of success on the professional front (and most of the personal front, too). Really nothing to get into or write the Internet about.

But I did rarely have the occasion to do some cool things. I went to Cubs Con and Casino Night. I saw the Cubs lose their 100th game of the season, but Pat Hughes waved at me and that totally kills any of that pain. Let me repeat that. Pat Hughes waved at me.

I was able to hang out with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time (Hi, Becca!) and I met some really cool people, too (Hi, Harry!). I reconnected via social media with some people I haven’t seen in ages (Hi, Josh!) and I met some really cool people that way, too (Hi, everybody!).

I found out just what I’d do to try to make a life and a career my way and just how frustrating and hard that can be (and just how frustrating and hard I can be, too).

I changed a little, grew a little. It wasn’t all fantastic and glamorous. Most of it wasn’t. But it wasn’t an absolute waste either.

2012 was okay. And it’s a good thing I went through it because I have a feeling that 2013 won’t be much different.

I’m ready.