There are times when everything is bad. The whole world is bad. The news is nothing but bad. The personal circumstances of existence are bad. The pettiest of petties are bad. The smallest, most insignificant things are bad.
And it is in those times that my psyche sponge cannot absorb anymore and I have to be done for a while. I need to ring out, dry out, so I can once again face the bad of my continued existence.
On those days, I opt out.
“But, Christin!” you cry, “that’s a privileged thing to do!”
You know what, fine. I don’t care. I claim my privilege to opt out for a day or two when I can no longer wade through the shit that floods this reality. As someone who is no stranger to unaliving thoughts, I prefer not to actively court hopelessness. And sometimes, I need to step away for a breath or two of fresh air to do that.
It is not wise to expect me (or anyone else) to be able to function like the world is not heavy during the moments that the world is actually crushing us. Sometimes it’s all too much –knowing is too much, feeling is too much, being is too much- and quite frankly, I’d much rather lie of the floor and hope to become one with the carpet. How am I supposed to go to work when the world’s on fire? How am I supposed to look forward to anything when my rights are being taken away? When other people’s rights are being taken away? How am I supposed to carry on like everything is normal when it’s not? How am I supposed to be a good little cog in the capitalist machine when I absolutely don’t want to turn because the turning is pointless? How in the fuck am I supposed to continue when I know that the people who could actually make a difference in all of this have absolutely no interest in doing so and it’s somehow my fault that they don’t because I didn’t vote hard enough or something?
“Christin, you’re being dramatic!”
Well, call me a theatrical bitch then. Because sometimes it feels like that. Sometimes it is like that. I know that I’m not exempt and I resent the fact there’s anything to be exempt from. It’s quite frankly bullshit and whoever is in charge needs to fix it. But they won’t. We all know they won’t. They have too much to gain and keep hold of by not fixing things. By letting the status quo remain and soothingly cooing to us that it’s actually fine, situation normal.
I would love to give the bigger picture the finger and get lost in the minutiae of life. To go through life acting as though none of it will touch me. That it doesn’t pertain to me.
But it does. I’m aware of it and I can’t stop being aware of it.
I can only hope to tune it out for a bit periodically so I can ring myself out.
Because there’s always more bad for me to absorb.